2 Ways 'Willpower Beliefs' Can Make Or Break A Relationship

Are your 'willpower beliefs' limited or non-limited? Here's how each can uniquely impact your love life.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | January 13, 2025

"Willpower beliefs" refer to the internal theories individuals hold about the nature of their self-control and how it operates. These beliefs exist on a continuum and influence how people perceive, experience and manage their mental and emotional resources.

At one end of the spectrum are "limited willpower beliefs," which suggest that self-control is a finite resource that becomes depleted with use. People who endorse this belief are more likely to experience mental fatigue after exerting effort, feel a diminished sense of energy for subsequent tasks and prioritize recovery when they perceive their resources as exhausted.

On the other end are "non-limited willpower beliefs," which involve believing that self-control is a renewable and self-sustaining resource. Individuals with this belief tend to maintain higher levels of self-control and energy even after demanding tasks, experiencing less mental fatigue.

A 2023 study published in the European Journal of Personality examines how limited willpower beliefs can impact relationships.

"Many behaviours that are important for building and maintaining interpersonal relationships can be effortful – from the provision of support, to self-sacrifice, to planning shared experiences. Because people who believe that their willpower is limited tend to experience more mental fatigue, they may feel like they have less energy to use for their romantic relationships," the researchers explain.

Here are two reasons to pay close attention to your willpower beliefs and how they may be affecting your relationship, according to the study.

1. They Can Derail Mutual Support

Perceived support, or lack thereof, can make or break a relationship. Researchers found that partners with limited willpower beliefs were less likely to provide both instrumental support and emotional support to their partners.

Instrumental support involves more practical assistance, such as helping with chores or solving problems for a partner, while emotional support involves providing comfort, empathy, warmth and understanding.

People who hold limited willpower beliefs are less likely to provide these forms of support to their partners, often because they feel too mentally or emotionally drained to do so.

A 2019 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships aptly titled "You seem tired, but so am I" found that those with limited willpower beliefs may be more likely than others to understand and empathize with their partner's tiredness or exertion, but are also likely to experience mental exhaustion and low moods themselves, which diminishes their ability and motivation to be a supportive partner.

Researchers of the 2023 study suggest that providing emotional support in particular can feel mentally taxing. It requires focused attention, sincere empathy and sometimes the regulation of your own emotions to meet your partner's needs. Without sufficient energy or motivation, attempts to reassure or comfort can come off as insincere or lacking, potentially harming the relationship.

Instrumental support, while sometimes less demanding, can still feel burdensome for individuals with limited willpower beliefs, especially if it involves tasks requiring extra perceived effort. These individuals may avoid offering help altogether, creating an imbalance in the relationship. Researchers found that such partners were, in turn, also less likely to receive instrumental support from their partners.

"Potentially, those who believe that their willpower is limited might be, on average, less busy and less likely to be engaging in demanding or difficult activities when around their partner, and thus less likely to require or receive instrumental support," the researchers explain.

"People with limited beliefs are less likely to be physically active and more likely to rest and recover—so perhaps their partners have fewer opportunities to assist them in concrete ways," the researchers add, highlighting how both partners struggle to support each other.

2. They Can Be A Threat To Relationship Satisfaction

Researchers also found that having strong limited willpower beliefs is associated with experiencing lower satisfaction in one's relationship. Why? Because when someone feels constantly drained, their overall mood and perception of the relationship can sour. This can also make minor disagreements or challenges feel insurmountable, leading to frustration and dissatisfaction.

Another 2023 study published in Psychological Reports speaks to the importance of how such relationship beliefs can affect a connection. Researchers suggest that when individuals have a growth mindset in love, and believe that the quality of their relationships can improve, they are also more likely to be caring, responsive and supportive, which enhances relationship satisfaction.

"Individuals with stronger growth beliefs are more likely to attribute relational events to controllable factors and take action to maintain their relationship," the researchers write, highlighting how such an empowered stance can sustain commitment and effort in relationships.

But, when partners feel personally limited or helpless in relationships, they may also hold restrictive beliefs about whether their relationship can evolve and how much they can contribute to it, underestimating their ability to show up for their partners.

Fortunately, willpower beliefs are not set in stone. Here are some ways to strengthen your willpower beliefs, and in turn, your relationship:

• Develop a growth mindset. Embrace the idea that both you and your relationship can evolve. Recognize that you have the power to influence your relationship through positive action and focus on the potential for growth rather than feeling limited by current challenges.
• Pay attention to the little things. Learn about your partner's needs and how you can meet them while taking care of your own. Grand, romantic gestures are great, but it's often the small, consistent acts of care—like listening attentively or helping with everyday tasks—that strengthen bonds over time.
• Avoid burn-out. Notice when you're feeling overwhelmed in different areas of your life and take measures to counteract these effects. Self-care can enhance your capacity to be a loving and supportive partner, and help you show up from a place of abundant energy rather than lack and sacrifice.

While it's essential to know your boundaries and respect your mental, emotional and physical capacity to show up in a relationship, it is equally essential not to unintentionally cap your ability to provide support and deepen your connection.

It's not about denying your own needs or pretending you're never exhausted—it's about recognizing that effort and love often feed into each other, creating a cycle of relationship vitality and connection.

So, take those few extra minutes out of your day to buy your partner flowers, leave them a loving message or take some work off their plate. These seemingly small gestures go a long way.

As you reflect on your willpower beliefs, ask yourself: Am I giving my relationship room to grow by believing in my ability to give? Relationships thrive on effort, but effort doesn't have to feel like crushing obligation. When you shift your mindset toward abundance, believing that you have the internal resources to nurture love, you open the door to a far more fulfilling love life.

Do you think your partner is responsive to your needs? Take this test to learn more: Perceived Responsiveness Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.