2 Ways The 'Hero Instinct' Can Ruin A Relationship

Not every love story needs a knight in shining armor. Here's how this 'hero instinct' can sabotage your love life.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | January 06, 2025

There appears to be no shortage of advice when it comes to relationships. From quick fixes to supposed psychological hacks, almost everyone has tips on how to create the perfect connection.

This constant need for the "perfect formula" can often send us searching for answers in all the wrong places. One of the more popular ideas that has been gaining traction is activating a partner's "hero instinct."

This concept was popularized by James Bauer in his book His Secret Obsession: How to Get Inside the Mind of Any Man. It suggests that all men have an innate urge to step in and take care of others. According to Bauer, if a man isn't expressing this instinct, there are ways to trigger it, making him feel more compelled to protect and eventually commit.

While the idea of enhancing love in a relationship is valid and valuable, relying on psychological "triggers" to elicit these responses can create manipulative and unhealthy relationship dynamics.

Here are two reasons why such advice can harm relationships, according to research.

1. The Hero Instinct Perpetuates Gender Stereotypes

There are plenty of articles out there claiming to teach you how to trigger a man's hero instinct. A popular tip is to "let him make decisions for you" or do things to make him feel needed. At first, this might sound like a simple way to build connection, but it can actually create a sense of obligation for both partners to act in accordance with traditional gender roles.

This approach reinforces outdated stereotypes, where one partner feels pressured to "step up" and "provide," while the other takes on a more submissive role. This advice usually puts the onus on women to trigger this instinct to "keep" their partners, rather than respecting each person's autonomy to contribute to the relationship in a way that feels authentic to them.

This dynamic also perpetuates the idea that women must bear the responsibility for maintaining the emotional and relational health of a couple. Such expectations can lead to burnout and frustration, as one partner is forced to constantly strategize their behavior while the other is implicitly absolved of self-reflection and personal growth. Consequently, partners can fall into a trap of dependency, unrealistic expectations and resentment.

Moreover, framing love as contingent on fulfilling specific roles can strip the relationship of its individuality, turning it into a transactional dynamic rather than a mutual partnership. It can also hinder emotional intimacy, as partners are encouraged to conform to societal expectations instead of authentically expressing their needs and desires.

Relationships thrive on genuine equity and mutual respect. It's essential to openly discuss responsibilities, prioritize shared decision-making and allow each other to lead in your areas of strength, without imposing preconceived ideas of what these contributions should be.

Notably, a 2024 study published in Sociological Research Online concluded that while many couples aim for equality in their relationships, this does not always mean striving for a "50/50" split in every aspect.

Instead, couples can prioritize a sense of fairness, where contributions are viewed in a more holistic and flexible manner. For instance, this might mean recognizing that one partner may naturally take on more financial responsibility during a particular season of life, while the other contributes more emotionally or logistically.

Such flexibility allows for periods when one partner may need more support—whether due to personal challenges, career changes or health issues—without the relationship devolving into a completely one-sided dynamic.

Additionally, when you build a relationship where both partners feel empowered to make decisions, it strengthens trust, individual autonomy and connection.

2. One Size Doesn't Fit All In Relationships

While the idea of the hero instinct focuses on men wanting to feel needed or to rescue, it's essential to understand that modern-day relationships are more complex. Not all men are drawn to the idea of being the protector or "rescuer." Some men may even feel uncomfortable with a dynamic where their role is primarily to fix or save.

Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows how attachment styles strongly influence caregiving behaviors in adult relationships.

People with secure attachment styles are generally more likely to provide mutual care and support in relationships. This means they can care for their partners without feeling the need to take over or prove their worth through constant acts of rescue.

In contrast, those with anxious attachment styles may become overly focused on caregiving as a way to gain approval or security in the relationship. Similarly, individuals with avoidant attachment styles might resist caregiving altogether, perceiving it as an obligation or a threat to their independence.

Relying on a generalized approach like triggering the hero instinct can exacerbate these patterns of insecurity, rather than address underlying needs. It can also oversimplify the complexities of human connection, because what works for one couple might not work for another.

Some partners may thrive in a dynamic where traditional roles play out, while others value an equitable distribution of responsibilities that challenges societal norms. The point is, couples must do what feels right for them, and prioritize respect, support and healthy communication regardless of the roles they play.

Instead of focusing on being rescued or rescuing, create an environment where both partners help each other grow. This way, both can navigate challenges by offering support, rather than trying to solve everything for one another.

Say, if one partner is facing a challenge at work, instead of taking over and trying to solve it yourself, ask how you can best support them through it. Provide encouragement by helping them brainstorm solutions or just listen, depending on what they need.

The allure of quick fixes like "triggering the hero instinct" is undeniable, since they offer immediate solutions to relationship concerns. However, this approach risks introducing manipulative behaviors and undermining authenticity in relationships.

Ironically, the fastest way to a genuine connection may be to slow down instead. Be mindful of each other's needs, be intentional about spending quality time together and learn what truly makes your partner feel valued and satisfied in a relationship.

For instance, a great way to honor your unique connection is by leaning into the popular, but helpful idea of learning each other's love languages. Dr. Gary Chapman's concept of the five love languages—words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch—suggests that individuals have preferred ways of giving and receiving love.

Identifying your partner's primary love languages allows you to communicate and enhance affection in the way that feels most meaningful to them. It encourages you to acknowledge and celebrate who they are as a person, rather than subject them to a generalization of what they should want or need in a relationship.

After all, the best relationships aren't about being a hero for someone else; they're about being true teammates in life.

Are you curious to learn about the way you feel most loved? Take this science-backed test to find out: Love Language Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.