2 Reasons Why You're Still Single

Is your singlehood a choice, or is it a consequence? Here's how to tell.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | September 02, 2024

You might be doing everything "right"—putting yourself out there, going on dates and genuinely trying to make a connection. Yet, despite your best efforts, love seems to elude you, leaving you to wonder what's going wrong.

It's easy to point fingers at external circumstances: maybe you haven't met the right person, or perhaps the timing just hasn't been in your favor. But what if the answers lie not in the world around you, but within yourself?

In reality, there are often underlying reasons why relationships haven't worked out yet. These reasons can be subtle, and without looking inward, you might never recognize the patterns that are holding you back.

Here are two significant ways you might be getting in the way of your own relationships, and how understanding them could be the key to finally finding the love you desire.

1. Having Unrealistic Standards

Maintaining standards in a relationship is important—they reflect your values, self-respect and understanding of what you need to thrive in a partnership. However, when those standards become veer outside the realm of reason, they can turn into significant obstacles, preventing you from connecting with others on a deeper level. This often stems from a desire to protect yourself from disappointment, but can also signal self-obsession, where finding an ideal partner becomes more about serving your ego than building a genuine connection.

Self-obsession can manifest as an inflated sense of what you deserve, shifting the focus from finding someone who compliments your life to seeking someone who elevates your status or image.

You might convince yourself that you deserve nothing less than perfection because anything else would feel like settling. This can lead to an endless search for a partner who meets every criterion on a never-ending checklist—someone who doesn't just align with your values but also reflects your idealized self-image.

A 2013 study published in Journal of Social and Personal Relationships suggests that while some idealization can enhance relationship satisfaction, excessive idealization leads to unrealistic expectations and added pressure, ultimately straining the relationship and reducing satisfaction.

To keep self-obsession in check:

• Reflect on where your need for perfection and validation comes from. Often, it's rooted in insecurity or anxiety about not being enough on your own. High standards may be more about confirming your worth than finding the right partner.
• Ask yourself. Are your expectations genuinely about compatibility, or are they about fulfilling a vision of perfection that serves your ego?

When self-obsession drives your standards, it can prevent you from appreciating the value of imperfection—the quirks and unique traits that make someone special. Real connection happens when you allow yourself to see and accept people as they are, not as how they can enhance your image or status.

2. Self-Sabotaging Beliefs

Self-sabotaging beliefs can subtly undermine your chances of forming meaningful connections. Internal narratives—such as feeling unworthy of love, believing all relationships are doomed, or thinking it's safer to stay single—are often rooted in past experiences or fears.

You might have witnessed dysfunctional relationships growing up or been hurt in love, leaving emotional scars. These beliefs can also be shaped by societal messages about love and internalized fears of rejection and inadequacy. Holding on to such beliefs can influence your actions and decisions, keeping love at a distance.

For instance, if you fear heartbreak, you might become overly critical or pick fights, creating the conflict that leads to the breakup you anticipated. Feeling unworthy of love may lead you to settle for unfulfilling or toxic relationships, or to avoid them altogether, reinforcing your isolation. Believing that love always ends in pain might cause you to end relationships prematurely, preventing deep connections. Consequently, you may end up choosing emotionally unavailable partners, further reinforcing the belief that love is unattainable.

A litany of research underscores the impact of early negative experiences on one's relationship skills as an adult. A 2019 study published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies found that childhood feelings of shame and self-criticism can contribute to paranoid thoughts later in life.

To combat these self-sabotaging beliefs:

• Recognize them for what they are—stories you've told yourself to protect against pain. Once you've identified these narratives, challenge their validity by asking yourself questions like: Is it really true that you're unworthy of love, or that all relationships end in heartbreak? Are these beliefs based on facts, or are they assumptions driven by fear?
• Reframe these beliefs to change the way you approach love and relationships. For example, instead of telling yourself that relationships are doomed, you might remind yourself that every relationship is unique, and that challenges are a natural part of growth. Instead of believing that you're unworthy of love, you can work on building your self-esteem and reminding yourself of your inherent worth.

Changing these beliefs takes time, but with effort, you can dismantle the barriers you've built around yourself. As you let go of self-sabotage, you open the door to relationships based on mutual respect, trust, and love, rather than fear and self-protection.

Unconscious beliefs and habits might be meddling with your agency in your love life. Take the Relationship Sabotage Scale to learn more.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.