2 Easy Ways To Nip An Argument In The Bud
Want to defuse a fight? Here's two easy ways to stop them in their tracks.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | October 09, 2024
In moments of conflict, tensions run high, we say things we don't mean and act in ways that escalate the conflict, without necessarily meaning to. In trying to get our point across and be heard, we often miss out on something crucial—that's all the other person wants, too.
They want to be heard, understood and validated. They want to know that their emotions matter and that their perspective is respected, if not agreed with.
Research published in Frontiers in Psychology examined how one can bring about such "extrinsic emotional regulation"—managing and regulating the emotions of others in a conflict. In addition to keeping your own temper and emotional reactivity in check, doing this can quickly de-escalate and leave your relationship in a much better place than before.
Researchers found that the key to this lies in "empathic paraphrasing." This is a communication technique where the listener restates what the speaker has said in their own words, while also reflecting the speaker's emotions and underlying concerns. This demonstrates that you have not only heard them out, but acknowledged their emotional experience.
In fact, researchers found that participants recalling a recent conflict they experienced reported feeling less negative and lowering their voices after hearing the interviewer paraphrase what they had said.
Here are two ways to practice empathic paraphrasing and "fight right," according to research.
1. Listen Actively Before Responding
Empathic paraphrasing involves truly listening when the other person is speaking, without interrupting or mentally planning your response.
It's also important to then restate both the content of what the other person is saying and acknowledge the emotion behind it. This shows that you're listening on both a cognitive and emotional level. When people feel heard, they're less likely to stay defensive, which is key in defusing tension.
For example, if your partner says, "I'm really frustrated because you didn't call when you said you would," instead of reacting defensively or dismissively, you could respond by saying, "I can understand why you're frustrated. You were expecting me to call, and I didn't follow through."
"We find that people evaluate a listener who disagrees with them to be a worse listener than a listener who agrees with them," write Bella Ren and Rebecca Schaumberg, the authors of a study published this April in Psychological Science.
"On average, speakers felt a listener listened to them better when the listener focused on the speaker, demonstrated understanding and showed respect and interest in what the speaker was saying. So, even if a listener disagrees with the speaker, it is still worthwhile for them to engage in these behaviors," the researchers add.
2. Encourage A Respectful Dialogue
If you're unsure about what the other person is truly feeling or why they're upset, asking clarifying questions can prevent misunderstandings.
For instance, if a co-worker says, "you never take my suggestions seriously," you might respond with, "it sounds like you feel like your contributions aren't being valued. Can you tell me more about why you feel that way?" This not only shows that you're interested in understanding their perspective, but invites further dialogue rather than shutting it down.
By following up with a question, you open the door for them to clarify or expand on their feelings, while avoiding any miscommunication. Maybe they'll say, "yes, but it's more that I felt undermined." This deeper insight can shift the direction of the conversation toward a resolution, as the speaker feels more understood and less likely to react emotionally.
Empathic paraphrasing also involves acknowledging the speaker's emotions without inserting your own judgments or opinions. This means focusing on how they feel, even if you don't agree with their perspective, and resisting the urge to correct or explain yourself right away. By doing so, you create a safe space for dialogue, which naturally de-escalates conflict.
A 2022 study published in Psychological Science revealed that when participants have to choose between two conversation partners who disagree with them—one aiming to persuade them and the other seeking to understand their perspective—the majority prefer the latter. People want their opinions to be thoughtfully considered, even when there are differences of opinion.
Additionally, by reframing the issue through their emotional lens, you validate their experience without arguing whether their perspective is right or wrong. When emotions are acknowledged, conflicts can shift from power struggles to cooperative conversations.
Such empathy requires you to zoom out of your own experience and see not only the other person more clearly, but the bigger picture of what really matters. It allows you to look beyond who is "right" to how you both can move towards a peaceful resolution.
For instance, in a conflict with a spouse who has forgotten to do a house chore, you may remember that they've had a lot on their plate and that they don't usually forget. You could empathize with them and focus on the larger, shared goal of making the relationship work, rather than wanting to "win" the argument.
Of course, empathy does not have to mean agreement, or even letting go of your own point of view to accommodate theirs. It's about balancing the need to stand up for yourself while also showing regard for the other person's feelings. In this way, we can transform conflicts into opportunities for deeper understanding and stronger connections.
Are you an empathic listener? Take this science-backed test to find out: Active-Empathic Listening Scale
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.