3 Ways That 'Roommate Syndrome' Can Ruin A Relationship

Does your partner feel more like a roommate than they feel like a partner? You could be battling 'roommate syndrome.'

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | October 07, 2024

"Roommate syndrome" occurs when a once-loving relationship starts to feel more like a living arrangement than it does a partnership. Couples in this state likely feel a severe emotional disconnect; they function as cohabitants who share responsibilities, but lack the closeness that defines a healthy relationship. Instead of being lovers or best friends, they become two people that simply share a space.

Here are three ways that roommate syndrome can manifest, according to psychological research—as well as how to spot the signs in your own relationship.

1. You Lead Completely Separate Lives

Couples with roommate syndrome will likely have completely different hobbies, routines and social circles. While this, at face value, may not seem like an immediate red flag, real problems can arise when partners spend little to no time together outside of daily chores or responsibilities.

Such partners will often find themselves doing their own thing—whether that's going out with friends, diving into solo hobbies or even just managing their day-to-day lives in isolation. This isn't to say that enjoying time alone or pursuing personal interests is problematic. Rather, the concern is that their lives may not overlap at all; they operate like two independent individuals who happen to live under the same roof.

Interestingly, research supports the idea that investing time in your relationship is key to maintaining its health. A 2020 study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that couples who actively invest their time in one another have significantly higher levels of well-being. However, this only applied to couples who already had a high-quality, satisfying relationship. If the foundation of the relationship is shaky or unfulfilling, that investment may not lead to increased happiness—which could be why some couples stuck in roommate syndrome don't feel a boost from spending time together.

Take a moment to reflect on your relationship. Does spending time together feel like something you genuinely look forward to, or has it turned into a responsibility you begrudgingly fulfill? When putting in effort for your partner feels more like an obligation—a task on your never-ending to-do list—it's a sign that the emotional bond between you has weakened.

While it's normal for life's demands to pull you in different directions at times, a relationship may start to feel more like a business arrangement if you no longer make each other a priority. Think about the last time you truly enjoyed your partner's company, without distractions or a sense of duty. If that's hard to recall, it might be time to address how disconnected you've become.

2. You're Rarely Intimate With One Another

Intimacy, whether sexual or affectionate, is essential in healthy relationships. But when it starts to feel routine or performative—or if desire dwindles away altogether—both partners are sure to feel disconnected. Sex may feel like an obligation rather than a moment of passion, and small gestures—like holding hands, hugging or kissing—may feel off-putting or unnecessary.

The role of desire, specifically, is emphasized in a 2019 study published in Personality and Individual Differences. The authors note that couples who maintain strong, implicit sexual desire for one another tend to have more fulfilling, responsive sex lives. That is, when partners truly want each other on a fundamental, emotional and physical level, their sex life will remain vibrant, active and mutually pleasurable. When that desire wanes, however, there too may be a deeper emotional withdrawal as well.

Reflect on how intimacy—or the lack thereof—has been showing up in your relationship. Has physical affection become rare or mechanical, more like a task to check off than something you both crave? It's important to remember that intimacy isn't far more than just sex. On the contrary, it's most visible in the little ways you show love and care for each other—like a hug after a long day or a kiss goodbye in the morning.

When those moments of connection disappear, it's easy for partners to feel more like distant acquaintances than romantic companions. If the idea of physical closeness feels awkward, perfunctory or something you'd rather avoid, it's worth considering whether the emotional connection between you has begun to unravel into a roommate-esque dynamic.

3. You Don't Talk Much About Anything

Communication is the backbone of any relationship, and thus a lack thereof will likely leave partners feeling miles apart. Couples with roommate syndrome, however, won't just avoid difficult conversations—they likely won't talk to each other about anything.

Couples with roommate syndrome might see no purpose in asking each other about their days or sharing their thoughts or feelings. In fact, they might not chat casually at all—likely because they've run out of things to say. And, without any open, thoughtful or even just fun dialogue, they will soon feel both emotionally and socially deprived.

The importance of sincere and open communication in maintaining healthy relationships is highlighted in a 2021 study from the Journal for Ethics in Social Studies. As the author notes, "Effective communication is based on the principle of openness towards the other and sincerity." In other words, the openness of one partner begets the openness of the other. But when that sincerity fades, the relationship can feel hollow; they may no longer feel emotionally safe or connected, let alone as though they have anything in common or to share with one another.

Think about the role communication plays in your relationship. When was the last time you had a meaningful conversation with your partner—one that went beyond the logistics of daily life? If casual chats about your thoughts, dreams or even how your day went have become rare, it's a strong indicator that emotional distance has settled in.

Over time, this lack of communication can lead to partners feeling as though they're living with a stranger, someone they barely know or understand anymore. When couples stop talking about anything important—or anything at all—it's a clear sign that the connection is fading. Ask yourself: Do you still feel like you have things to talk about with your partner, or has the silence become too comfortable?

Does your partner feel more like a roommate than a lover? Take this evidence-based test to know: Loneliness In Intimate Relationships Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here, and on PsychologyToday.com, here.