How To Use 'Cognitive Reappraisal' To Reduce Conflict In Your Relationship

Tired of arguments and disagreements in your relationship? All you need is a change in perspective.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | March 03, 2025

In the heat of the moment, it can feel as though there's no way to get around conflict in a relationship. When the same problems keep getting brought up and rehashed time and again, it can easily start to feel like you're going around in circles.

Over time, this exhaustive process only leads to more frustration, more resentment and more conflict—even over the smallest of disagreements.

Thankfully, research from the journal Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice has revealed a straightforward yet effective way to end the cycle of conflict in a romantic relationship. According to Lindsey Rodriguez, lead author of the study, the trick is simple: "cognitive reappraisal."

What Is 'Cognitive Reappraisal'?

Cognitive reappraisal, according to research from Emotion, is an emotional regulation technique. In simple terms, it entails changing the way you feel about something by changing the way you think about it; it's as simple as a change in perspective.

Say, for instance, you're stuck in a traffic jam. You could either choose to see this as an inconvenience, or you could instead see it as an opportunity to finally listen to an episode of your favorite podcast. You could view a missed job opportunity as a failure, or you could rather see it as a sign that it just wasn't the right fit for you—and that there are bigger and better things for you out there.

The concept may be simple, but it's inherently powerful: actively choosing to see things from a different viewpoint instead of your own immediate perspective.

Notably, however, there are different ways to practice cognitive reappraisal—and according to Rodriguez, finding a neutral perspective is the most effective way to combat relational conflict.

How 'Cognitive Reappraisal' Defuses Fights

Lindsey Rodriguez tested the effectiveness of cognitive reappraisal during the COVID-19 pandemic. As she explained to me in an interview, "Rates of intimate partner violence rose during this period, so it seemed like a particularly relevant and critical time to test if cognitive reappraisal could be helpful."

As such, during the lockdown period, Rodriguez asked 716 participants to practice basic writing tasks. These participants were randomly assorted into five groups, each of which were given a different prompt:

• The first and third group were asked to write about a conflict they recently had by using cognitive reappraisal.
• The second and fourth groups were asked to write about a recent conflict they'd had from their own perspective—expressing their deepest thoughts and feelings.
• The fifth and final control group were asked to write about mundane daily tasks and chores—like laundry, house cleaning or lawn care.

Upon following up with the participants two weeks later, Rodriguez noticed that those who practiced cognitive reappraisal writing tasks experienced significantly less conflict, aggression and disagreements in their romantic relationship.

In explaining these results, Rodriguez emphasized, "Adopting a neutral perspective about a disagreement with a loved one helps people step back and be more objective." The benefits of this can be observed in various ways:

• Perspective gain. Often, it's hard to see the bigger picture during an argument; without objectivity, all we can feel are our own emotions—and all we can see is our own perspective. By choosing otherwise, however, we may come to realize that, in the grand scheme of the relationship, the conflict isn't as big of a deal as it may feel. Moreover, you may also find yourself empathizing more with one another—as you may be able to recognize where you're both coming from in the disagreement. In turn, you can make space for compromise, reconnection and—if necessary—apologies.
• Emotional regulation. Beyond being able to view things rationally, cognitive reappraisal also offers you and your partner the time to cool off when a disagreement becomes heated. By the time you're done reappraising, whatever anger or frustration you previously felt may have subsided. This not only stops you from escalating arguments and jumping to conclusions, but it also allows you to regain a sense of empathy for your partner. In the end, you can both acknowledge that things got out of hand, move on and maybe even laugh about it.

How To Practice 'Cognitive Reappraisal' In Your Relationship

When a disagreement starts to escalate, it's easy to get swept up in frustration. Consequently, it can become incredibly difficult to see the situation clearly, for what it actually is.

As Rodriguez explains, "Trying to remain objective during a highly tense and emotional encounter with someone else is difficult and overwhelming for most of us. We also know that negative communication behaviors like yelling, storming off or hanging up on someone else is detrimental to both the people involved and their relationship."

As such, cognitive reappraisal is ideal when you need to slow down, reassess and break the cycle of conflict. Here's how to practice it in the moment:

1. Pause before reacting. When emotions run high, our initial response is often defensive or aggressive; this only fuels the conflict. Instead of reacting immediately, take a few deep breaths or count to ten. This small pause creates space between your emotions and your response. In turn, you allow yourself to engage more thoughtfully—rather than reactively.
2. Adopt a third-party perspective. Imagine a close friend or therapist is listening to your conversation. What advice might they offer? Would they see both sides or encourage compromise? The trick is to mentally step outside the argument—from where you can distance yourself from the intensity of the moment and gain a more balanced viewpoint.
3. Reframe the conflict. Resist the urge to retaliate or let frustration get the better of you. Instead of immediately asking yourself, "Why are they always like this?", try asking bigger questions. "Is this disagreement about something deeper, or is it just today's stress talking?" Often, conflicts reflect a lot more than just the surface issue—fatigue, work stress or past experiences are always silent actors. Accounting for these factors can prevent small arguments from spiraling into bigger fights.
4. Consider the long-term impact. Ask yourself, "Will this argument still matter in a week, a month, a year?" If the answer is no, it's definitely not worth the emotional energy. Instead, redirect your focus to the bigger picture.
5. Acknowledge your partner's perspective. Even if you don't agree with them, try to verbalize your partner's point of view once you've reappraised it: "I can see why you'd feel that way." This simple acknowledgment can dramatically lower defensiveness and increase the chances of a constructive conversation. When people feel heard, they're less likely to dig in their heels or double down.
6. Seek solutions, not victories. Arguments often become about proving who's "right," rather than actually trying to fix the issue at hand. Instead of aiming to win, shift your focus to finding a fair resolution: "What's a solution that meets both our needs right now?" This change in mindset encourages teamwork, as opposed to competition.

As Rodriguez explains, "I think the biggest obstacle to building the habit of reappraising conversations is remembering to do it regularly." She continues, "The more people reappraise, the more natural it will feel and the easier it will come during times of stress and conflict."

However, it's imperative to remember that cognitive reappraisal is a mental exercise; it isn't a band-aid. In other words, this is a skill that you will have to repeatedly practice—which will take concerted effort in the beginning stages.

Over time, however, seeing things from new perspectives will become second nature. In turn, you'll become better at recognizing that your relationship is worth a lot more than an argument—even during tough conversations.

Are arguments the norm in your relationship? Take this science-backed test to find out if you and your partner are in need of a check-in: Relationship Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.