New Research Reveals A Simple And Effective Way For Couples To Reduce Conflict

Lindsey Rodriguez explains the unsung benefits of 'cognitive reappraisal' in mitigating conflict within romantic relationships.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 17, 2025

A new study published in the journal of Couple & Family Psychology: Research and Practice explored the role of "cognitive reappraisal"—that is, a mindset shift that offers new perspectives on problems—in reducing romantic conflict between intimate partners during the COVID-19 lockdown period.

The study showed that simple cognitive reappraisal writing tasks—where partners were asked to envision their own relationship disagreements from a neutral, third-party perspective—significantly reduced the amount of conflict in the relationship in the weeks that followed.

I recently spoke to the lead author of the study, Lindsey M. Rodriguez, from the Department of Psychology at the University of Florida, to discuss the various benefits of cognitive reappraisal in terms of relationship conflict. Here is a summary of our conversation.

What initially inspired you to explore cognitive reappraisal as a tool for reducing romantic conflict?

I have spent much of my career dedicated to developing and testing brief exercises that people can do that require relatively little mental effort, time, or resources, but that have a high return on investment for improving their mental or physical health or close relationships.

Other researchers have previously tested cognitive reappraisal in newlywed couples and found that it effectively stops the decline in marital satisfaction that often happens during the first few years of marriage.

So, it seemed like a natural next step for my colleague Sherry Stewart and I to see if this kind of exercise could be implemented in people from the general population during a particularly stressful time—namely, the COVID-19 pandemic.

Since this study was conducted during the COVID-19 pandemic, do you think these findings are specific to that stressful period, or could they apply in normal circumstances as well?

I was passionate about implementing this exercise during the pandemic because there were a number of factors interacting to create a perfect storm for relationship conflict and intimate partner violence—like stress and uncertainty around finances, jobs, health, and people having to either stay quarantined with their family or leave for work in an environment where they could catch and then transmit the virus.

As we might expect, rates of intimate partner violence rose during this period, so it seemed like a particularly relevant and critical time to test if cognitive reappraisal could be helpful. That being said, I have tested this exercise in other settings both before the pandemic and after, and have found similar results. So, it seems it also works for people in times of normal stress.

However, our results showing benefits during the pandemic suggest that it might be even more important for people to try out cognitive reappraisal when they are feeling more tense or worried than normal, as these particularly stressful periods are usually associated with more conflict and emotions running high.

Your study suggests that adopting a third-party perspective can significantly reduce conflict and aggression. What do you think is happening psychologically when people take on this perspective?

Some insight about this comes from reading what people write about during the exercise and comparing it to what people write about when they just think about conflict from their own perspective (as people naturally do).

Adopting a neutral perspective about a disagreement with a loved one helps people step back and be more objective, which also helps people:

• Gain perspective on the event, as people often realize while writing that the conflict was not as big of a deal as they had made it out to be at the time—particularly in the larger context of their relationship with their loved one.
• Stay calm and help 'cool' the anger or other negative emotions that arise when we have disagreements with loved ones.
• Not jump to conclusions so quickly, to step back and think through what might be happening.
• Feel more empathy for the other person and understand where their loved one is coming from, appreciating the context of both sides.
• Identify a 'neutral' compromise that might satisfy both sides.
• Build a closer relationship through understanding that only focusing on their own perspective usually does not benefit the situation

Some couples might resist the idea of stepping outside their own perspective during an argument. What would you say to someone who finds it difficult to reframe conflicts this way?

It is certainly true that trying to remain objective during a highly tense and emotional encounter with someone else is difficult and overwhelming for most of us. We also know that negative communication behaviors like yelling, storming off, or hanging up on someone else is detrimental to both the people involved and their relationship.

Indeed, research shows that when our heart rate goes above 100 beats per minute, we experience something called "emotional flooding." When this happens, we are unable to process new information which is necessary to resolve disagreements.

I find it helpful to be aware of my emotions and body sensations during conversations, and if I start to feel flooded, I take a temporary pause from the conversation and do something calming. This is a good time to implement the third party exercise if possible, so that when the conversation resumes, it is more constructive and less destructive.

In long-term relationships, some conflicts can build up over time. Could this exercise be effective for long-standing issues, or is it better suited for resolving smaller, day-to-day disagreements?

This is a great question, and one I have not specifically tested yet. My sense is that the more people get into the habit of regularly perceiving interpersonal events from a neutral perspective, the more smoothly their interactions will go, reinforcing the habit. It may also help prevent resentment from building up over time if smaller disagreements are reappraised, discussed, and then resolved before they accumulate.

Beyond writing exercises, what are some practical ways couples can incorporate this perspective shift into their daily interactions?

I think the biggest obstacle to building the habit of reappraising conversations is remembering to do it regularly. The more people reappraise, the more natural it will feel and the easier it will come during times of stress and conflict.

In the beginning, it takes more effort. It is helpful for me to notice whenever I start to engage in what I consider "unhelpful thinking patterns"—ruminating or thinking about a conversation from only my perspective—and immediately interrupt that thought to instead think about what a mutual friend or someone objective like a therapist might say.

If you have a friend who often offers helpful advice, what might they say about this conversation? Does this disagreement really matter in the bigger picture of the relationship? Either way, how can we resolve it to move forward?