How To Combine Your Instincts And Rationality In Your Search For Love

In matters of love, it can be hard to decide whether to listen to your heart or your head. Here's how to benefit from the powers of both.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | March 01, 2024

The interplay between instinct and rationality influences our decisions, particularly in relationships. Instincts, honed by evolution, guide us through social landscapes, while rationality provides critical analysis for discernment and long-term planning.

Embedded within our cultural psyche is the romanticized notion of the spark—a mystical connection that ignites upon meeting someone new. Though alluring, pursuing the spark can blind us to red flags, overriding rational judgment. It romanticizes impulsivity over discernment, favoring emotion over rational thought.

While initial chemistry sets a foundation, sustainable relationships evolve gradually, nurtured by shared experiences and aligned values. Forcing a relationship based solely on the "spark" neglects compatibility and emotional intelligence, potentially leading to disillusionment and heartache.

Here are two strategies to find balance between instincts and rationality.

1. Create A Relationship Vision Board

The tactile and visual representation of your desires, via vision boards, allows you to merge instinctual attraction with rational considerations. An article exploring the effectiveness of using vision boards as a tool to aid in setting and visualizing goals across different life areas suggests that these boards can empower individuals to take control of their goal outcomes, leading to greater clarity regarding their priorities and motivations.

To start with:

• Gather images, quotes and symbols that represent your ideal partnership and the qualities you cherish in a significant other
• Display your vision board prominently in your living space to serve as a daily reminder of your aspirations
• Reflect on your core values to ensure your goals are aligned with what truly matters to you. Consider how you want to contribute to others and spend your time, keeping these values in mind as you define your goals.
• Identify what motivates you and why your goals are important. Reflect on past experiences and personality traits that may influence your aspirations.
• Deepen your understanding of why your goals hold significance and adjust them accordingly if they no longer align with your values
• Prioritize your goals to focus on achievable objectives within your desired timeframe. Highlight your priorities on your vision board to give them the attention they deserve.

2. Conduct Relationship Audits

A systematic review and meta-analysis published in Psychological Bulletin revealed intriguing patterns in relationship satisfaction across the lifespan:

• Satisfaction tends to follow a non-linear trajectory. It decreases from ages 20 to 40, hits a low around age 40, then gradually rises until age 65, stabilizing in late adulthood.
• Similarly, satisfaction fluctuates over relationship duration. It declines during the first 10 years, hits a low point at the 10-year mark, rises until 20 years and then declines again. This decline is especially notable in young adulthood and early relationship years, with children often influencing these patterns.

To weather these ups and downs, it's essential to adopt a proactive approach to maintaining relationship health through regular relationship audits. Here's how you can go about it:

• Set aside dedicated intervals to reflect on your partnership dynamics, both individually and as a couple. Explore communication patterns, emotional intimacy levels and shared values.
• Reflect on your relationship history, considering how past experiences with caregivers and friendships may influence your choice of romantic partners. Evaluate whether childhood needs were met or neglected, impacting your selection of partners with similar traits. Repeated love patterns often stem from a desire to resolve past issues, yet they seldom lead to fulfillment.

While you try a structured approach to navigating the early stages of a relationship, give yourself at least a few weeks to fully immerse yourself in the initial excitement and connection without rushing into hasty decisions. This timeframe encourages mindfulness and introspection, as you remain attentive to both positive aspects and potential red flags.

Want numerical clarity on the status of your relationship? Take the evidence-based Relationship Satisfaction Scale to see how you score.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.