The 'Sunk-Cost Fallacy' Could Be What's Ruining Your Dating Experience
This bad habit could be leading you to more loss than gain in matters of love.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 29, 2024
Unhappy relationships are an unfortunate reality for many. People find themselves staying in enduring unfulfilling relationships long after they have run their course. Despite feeling dissatisfied, several reasons make it notoriously difficult to end a relationship.
One such reason that influences the fate of our relationships is the sunk-cost fallacy. It refers to a commitment bias wherein individuals continue investing in something even if the outcome doesn't seem promising. We tend to stay in failing relationships because we have invested significant time, effort and money on them and leaving would mean all of it "going down the drain."
A 2021 study published in Personality and Social Psychology Review concluded that when people invested more in their relationships, they felt more dependent on their partners. Increased dependency strengthens commitment bias and one continues investing time, effort and emotional labor into a relationship that may have become unsatisfying. Even though the relationship lacks fulfillment, it provides a predictable comfort that one is afraid to part with.
Here are three factors that supplement the effects of the sunk-cost fallacy.
1. We Struggle To See Our Partners In Pain
People choose to remain in unhappy relationships because of the fear of inflicting pain on or causing hurt to their partners. A 2018 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people were motivated to stay in unfulfilling relationships for the sake of their partners. The more dependent they believed their partner to be, the less likely they were to initiate a breakup.
We tend to consider the potential costs of leaving the relationship before we walk out, and the burden of putting our partner through a difficult time can be enough to make us stay, sometimes against our will. We might feel unappreciated by our partners, but we stay in the relationship for their sake.
Research also suggests that individuals feel motivated to commit to their relationships when they perceive mutual investment from their significant others. Despite feeling stuck in a relationship rut, our acknowledgement and gratitude toward our partners makes us wary of causing them pain.
2. Romantic Alternatives Do Not Strike Our Fancy
When we perceive alternatives outside of our relationship to be limited or unattractive, we feel more inclined to stay in our current relationship. A study found that a "poor quality" selection of alternatives increased an individual's commitment toward their current partner.
We seem to hesitate leaving our unsatisfying relationships if we feel that we won't be able to find a better partner. A fear of solitude or uncertainty about alternatives can foster dependency in the current relationship, leading us to tolerate unhappiness over risking it on the unknown.
Additionally, research explains that individuals exhibit biases when assessing their partners and their alternatives. They prefer the traits associated with their partners and evaluate them more favorably in comparison to their alternatives. The findings suggest that we tend to love the person we are with and overestimate their traits over what anyone else may have to offer, even if the overall level of relationship satisfaction is low.
3. Anxious Attachment Shackles Us To Our Relationships
People with insecure attachment styles tend to crave emotional intimacy—they are heavily invested in their relationships and yearn to feel more secure. Anxious individuals, especially, tend to feel strong negative emotions at the thought of separating from their partners. A 2022 study found that high attachment anxiety is associated with a willingness to remain in unhealthy relationships due to a fear of rejection and abandonment.
Anxiously attached people also tend to depend on their partners for emotional regulation, further increasing their reluctance to leave an unsatisfying relationship.
Additionally, a study found that individuals with insecure attachment may devalue their negative emotions, leading to a dismissal of their own dissatisfaction with the relationship. This may prolong the unhappy relationship as the individual continues to rely on one's partner while ignoring their own emotions.
Every day that we decide to remain in an unfulfilling relationship, we miss out on the opportunity to find one that makes us happy. Prioritizing our well-being and addressing unhealthy bonding patterns can help us break away from stagnant relationships. It is important to recognize that muscling your way through stale relationships due to fears or insecurities does not serve the best interests of either partner. Ultimately, breaking free from the sunk-cost fallacy comes down to finding the courage to pursue a more fulfilling and emotionally satisfying path.
Wondering how satisfied you are with your relationship? Take the evidence-based Relationship Satisfaction Scale to find out.
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.