3 Ways That Divorces Can Have A Domino Effect Among Couples

Research shows that divorces can spread like disease among couples. Here's why.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 29, 2024

Imagine you're seated at a restaurant. As you go through the menu, a friend excitedly recommends a dish they've just ordered. Suddenly, your decision becomes simpler, swayed by their enthusiasm and choice. This scenario, seemingly unrelated to the complexities of marriage and divorce, actually illustrates a fundamental human tendency: We are influenced by the actions and decisions of those around us. This same principle underpins the "divorce domino effect" within social circles.

It's a phenomenon that many of us may have observed anecdotally—watching as the divorce of a close friend or family member seems to set off a domino effect, leading us to scrutinize our own relationships with a more critical eye. Interestingly, there's data to back up the idea that you are more likely to get a divorce if someone in your social circle is also divorced.

According to a classic study, we are about 75% more likely to go through with a divorce if a direct friend is divorced and approximately 33% more likely if a friend of a friend is divorced. This suggests that divorce may spread through social networks up to two degrees of separation.

In fact, there are scientifically grounded reasons that explain why the end of one marriage might prompt individuals to identify previously unnoticed or underestimated issues within their own partnerships. Here are three big ones.

1. Social Contagion Theory

In the restaurant scenario, your decision to choose a dish based on your friend's enthusiasm reflects how our choices can be influenced by those around us. This same principle, when applied to the context of divorce, is encapsulated in social contagion theory.

The aforementioned study leveraged longitudinal data to explore how divorce can spread through social networks. The findings underscore the idea that divorce is not just an individual decision but can be influenced by the social ties that bind us. Just as we might be swayed by a friend's culinary choice, witnessing a friend's divorce can subtly shift our perceptions of our own marriages, making the option of divorce seem more acceptable and perhaps even necessary.

This understanding of social contagion theory leads us to another significant factor:

2. Comparison And Benchmarking

Contrary to the common belief that our romantic relationships exist in a vacuum, the reality is far different. External factors significantly influence both our choice of partner and our satisfaction within the relationship.

One of the most impactful of these factors is the tendency to compare our relationship to those around us. Just as in the restaurant scenario, where the choice of others can sway our own decisions, the state of our friends' marriages often serves as a benchmark for our own. This process of comparison and benchmarking is natural and almost inevitable.

We observe the interactions, communication styles and overall happiness of other couples and consciously or unconsciously compare them to our own. When friends divorce, it might highlight the perceived strengths or, more commonly, the weaknesses of our own relationships. If a friend's reasons for divorce resonate with our own marital grievances, it can amplify our dissatisfaction and lead to a critical reassessment of our partnership.

Moreover, the visibility of a friend's newfound happiness post-divorce can exacerbate this effect. Observing a friend thrive outside of a marriage that was perceived to be similar to our own can prompt us to question whether we, too, might be happier if we made the same choice.

3. Changing Social Norms And Expectations

The shift in social norms and expectations surrounding divorce is a crucial factor contributing to the divorce domino effect. As divorce becomes more prevalent within a social circle, it not only alters perceptions of marital dissolution but also changes the collective attitude towards marriage and relationships in general.

A 2005 study highlighted that children of divorced parents often exhibit a "positive attitude" towards divorce, suggesting that exposure to divorce from a young age can influence perceptions of its acceptability and normalcy. This acceptance is reflective of a broader societal shift where divorce is no longer stigmatized but seen as a viable option for those in unhappy or abusive marriages.

Watching close friends, coworkers or family members go through a divorce can further normalize this perspective, offering reassurance that ending a marriage does not equate to failure but can be a step towards personal happiness and fulfillment.

While social contagion theory and the tendency to compare and benchmark our relationships against those of our peers play significant roles in the divorce domino effect, it's essential to recognize that our "appetites" for what a marriage should look like are as varied as our preferences in a restaurant. Each marriage is unique, and the decision to stay or leave should be based on the specific circumstances and dynamics of that relationship. While the divorce domino effect is a real phenomenon influenced by social contagion, comparison and changing norms, it ultimately underscores the importance of introspection and personal choice in marital decisions.

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A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.