3 Ways To Stay Calm During A Fight With Your Partner

The way you respond when your partner triggers you can make or break your relationship. The choice is yours.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | September 16, 2024

Every relationship is a unique interaction between two individuals, each with their own set of beliefs, experiences and emotional triggers. As you navigate life together, differences of opinion are inevitable, and sometimes these differences can lead to clashes.

You might find yourselves pushing each other's buttons, struggling to stay on the same team or overwhelming one another with intense emotions. These moments can feel like emotional minefields, where one wrong step could lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings or prolonged conflict.

But even in these challenging moments, you always have a choice in how you respond. It's at these critical junctures that the true strength of your relationship is tested. Your response to being triggered can either escalate the conflict, creating distance and resentment, or it can serve as a bridge to deeper understanding and connection. The way you choose to handle these situations doesn't just reflect your current emotional state—it shapes the future of your relationship.

Here are three ways to consciously choose your response when you feel triggered by your partner.

1. Change The POV, Change The Feeling

Cognitive reappraisal is a powerful technique that involves consciously reframing your initial thoughts to alter your emotional response to a triggering situation. When you feel a surge of anger or frustration, take a moment to pinpoint the specific thought driving that emotion. Ask yourself: Is this thought grounded in reality or could it be an assumption?

Challenge your initial interpretation by considering a more balanced perspective. For example, if your first thought is, "they don't care about my feelings," pause and reframe it to, "maybe they didn't realize how hurtful that sounded." This simple mental shift can reduce emotional intensity and set the stage for a calmer, more productive conversation. Approaching the situation with curiosity rather than defensiveness fosters better communication.

Jennifer Veilleux, a psychologist and a researcher at the University of Arkansas, highlights that cognitive reappraisal is a valuable skill because shifting perspectives and seeing things from different angles are crucial life abilities that benefit us in many ways. However, she advises to only practice cognitive reappraisal when you're thinking clearly, as it may not be effective when emotions are running high.

She offers the following advice on how to employ cognitive reappraisal effectively:

• Ride out intense emotions. Recognize that strong emotions can cloud your judgment. If you're feeling overwhelmed, focus on sensory or physical activities to ground yourself—take a shower, go for a run or engage in progressive muscle relaxation. These techniques can help manage impulsive behaviors until the emotion subsides.
• Use cognitive strategies when calm. Once your emotions have lessened, utilize cognitive strategies like reappraisal to gain perspective and problem-solve. Avoid falling into rumination, which can heighten emotions. Instead, reflect on the experience to learn from it and process the emotion constructively.

2. Label Your Emotions

Emotional labeling involves identifying and naming the specific emotions you're in a tense moment. When triggered, pause and ask yourself, "what am I feeling right now?"—It could be anger, frustration, sadness or a blend of several emotions.

Once you've identified your emotions, express them calmly to your partner. Labeling emotions can reduce their intensity by bringing conscious awareness to them. For example, saying, "I'm feeling really frustrated because of what just happened," helps you regain control and shifts the conversation from conflict toward resolution. This also allows your partner to better understand your feelings without feeling accused.

A 2013 study revealed that how we label emotions—whether our own ("my fear") or someone else's ("his fear")—influences how we process emotional stimuli. Self-related labeling led to deeper emotional processing and higher arousal, while labeling another's emotions improved emotional recognition. This shows how language and labeling shape our emotional experiences and responses.

Practicing emotional labeling helps you manage your own emotions and promotes clearer, more empathetic communication with your partner.

3. Own Your Reactions While Standing Your Ground

A study published in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy highlights how the instinct to protect ourselves from hurt can lead to sabotaging our relationships. Lead author Raquel Peel explains, "While it's natural to seek meaningful, intimate connections, experiencing pain can activate a self-protective instinct, making avoidance of pain the priority over pursuing intimacy."

After a triggering event, it's essential to take responsibility for your emotional reactions, even if the situation was challenging. Owning your response doesn't mean admitting fault or compromising your feelings. It's more about recognizing how you handled your emotions.

For instance, saying, "I realize I got defensive earlier, and I'm sorry for reacting that way. However, I still feel strongly about what we're discussing," shows accountability without sacrificing your stance.

This balance of accountability and assertiveness allows you to stand firm on important issues while respecting your partner's viewpoint. By owning your reactions while holding true to your needs, you foster an environment where both partners feel heard, reducing the chances of escalating conflicts.

Wondering if your relationship allows you to be fully honest about your feelings? Take the Authenticity In Relationships Scale to know where you and your partner stand.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here, and on PsychologyToday.com, here.