3 Signs That Your Partner Is Gaslighting You

If you're in a constant state of guilt or shame around your partner, you may be a victim of gaslighting. Here's how to tell.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | September 11, 2024

Gaslighting is a cunning form of emotional abuse. When it sneaks into a romantic relationship, it leaves you questioning your reality and feeling guilty for entirely natural emotions. You might catch yourself thinking, "was I overreacting?" or feeling bad for being upset—even when your feelings are valid.

A recent study ran a psycholinguistic analysis on the 2021 short film Your Reality, which has garnered more than 6 million views since it was first published on YouTube. The study highlights moments where the "gaslighter" in the film intentionally twists and denies the protagonist's reality, which makes her question her own actions, memories and even her sanity.

"Little digs, constant critiques. They are miserable people and want you to think you're the cause of all their problems. Then they get people around you to think you're the cause of the problems too," explains one of the 18,000 comments under the video.

This may lead us to think: why do people let themselves be mistreated in this way? It is because gaslighting often involves a confusing mix of kindness and cruelty, making it even more difficult for the victim to identify the manipulation. One minute your partner is sweet, the next they belittle you, forcing you to apologize for feelings you had every right to express.

Remember—no one should make you doubt your own emotional truth. While some emotions might overwhelming, they all deserve to be handled with care and acceptance. Here are three signs that your reality in your relationship has been marred by a gaslighting partner.

1. Distortion of Reality

A key sign of gaslighting is when your partner distorts your sense of reality. They might deny things that you know happened or insist you said or did something you can't remember. Imagine recalling a hurtful comment, only for them to say, "I never said that," making you doubt your own memory.

This tactic is meant to confuse. A 2019 study published in the American Sociological Review found that gaslighting often involves psychological manipulation and misquoting, aimed to shake your original perception of your own reality and the autonomy of feeling your emotions. However, over time, you might even start distrusting your own thoughts and relying more on your partner's version and narrations of events over them.

If you're constantly second-guessing what really happens, or if your partner's reality always seems to overshadow yours, it could be a clear sign of gaslighting. While some situations might confuse you, you should start observing if that happens either every time or too many times.

2. Targeting Your Self-Worth

Imagine being told repeatedly that your feelings don't matter or that you're "overreacting" or "overthinking" about concerns that are objectively well-founded. Over time, you start believing those lies, feeling isolated and dependent on the very person diminishing your self-worth.

Gaslighting doesn't stop at just distorting reality—it also chips away at your self-worth. Your partner may make subtle comments that belittle your intelligence, appearance, belief system or abilities.

They might say things like—"you're too sensitive" or "no one else would put up with you." These remarks, though seemingly harmless or said in frivolous jest at first, can accumulate over time and cause lasting damage to your self-esteem.

A 2023 study published in The Journal of Family Violence reveals that gaslighting inflicts deep, lasting damage to self-trust. Victims often internalize the relentless negativity, gradually believing they are just inadequate or unworthy. This manipulation creates an insidious inner conflict where the victim begins to think—"I am the problem in this relationship," trapping them in a cycle of self-blame and constant need to compensate for the abuser's behavior. The psychological harm can be profound, making recovery a daunting challenge.

3. Falsifying and Detaching You From Your Support System

A gaslighter often attempts to sever your connections with friends and family by fabricating stories or sowing distrust. They may tell you that your best friend said something negative about you behind your back or claim that your family is too controlling. This tactic isolates you from the people who care about you, leaving you more vulnerable to their manipulation.

Gaslighting is purely based on one-on-one manipulation. Any third party to the situation might take away the abuser's authority.

Isolating a victim from their social support network is a common tactic used by gaslighters to exert greater control over the relationship. By creating doubt about the intentions of your loved ones, gaslighters make you feel like your partner is the only "go-to person" you can trust.

These signs are not just isolated incidents but are part of a broader pattern of a harmful form of emotional abuse designed to destabilize and control you. If you recognize any of these behaviors in your relationship, remember—first, that it's not your fault and, second, that it needs an immediate repair starting with opening up a conversation with your partner. If that seems like a risky step, reaching out to trusted friends, family or a mental health professional can be an important step in breaking free from this cycle.

The inability to say your truth in a relationship is one of the hallmarks of being gaslit. Take the Authenticity In Relationships Scale for science-backed answers.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.