3 Things You Need To Do After A Fight With Your Partner

The best thing to do after an argument with your partner? Following these three simple steps.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | October 16, 2024

Conflicts are inevitable in every relationship. However, true growth comes not from avoiding arguments but from how you repair the relationship afterward. Often, couples overlook a crucial step that follows a disagreement—the "aftermath conversation."

An aftermath conversation goes beyond the surface-level resolution of a disagreement. It's about addressing the emotional impact that conflict left behind. Even after apologies are exchanged or agreements are made, there are often lingering feelings—hurt, frustration or confusion—that don't magically disappear. These emotions, if not addressed, can erode trust and emotional intimacy over time.

Couples who regularly engage in these deeper post-conflict discussions tend to experience greater emotional resilience, connection and understanding. They don't just settle disputes—they heal and grow together.

Here are three key components of aftermath discussions.

1. Assessing The Damage

Once the fight is over, couples often don't take the time to discuss how the conflict really made them feel. Emotions like hurt, fear or feeling misunderstood get buried under the surface. In an aftermath conversation, you each need to open up about how the argument impacted you emotionally. This allows your partner to see your perspective more clearly and creates empathy.

Here's how you can introduce an aftermath conversation after a heated fight:

Start by naming your emotions clearly, such as, "I've been feeling hurt after our argument." Then, invite your partner to share their feelings by asking, "Can you help me understand how you felt during that moment?" This opens up a two-way conversation focused on emotional connection rather than blame.

Reflect on what your partner shares to ensure understanding. For example, you can say, "It sounds like you felt frustrated because of [X]. Is that right?"

This builds empathy and creates space for healing.

Interestingly, while the process of affect labeling may seem intentional, research published by the International Society for Research on Emotion suggests it helps regulate emotions unconsciously, making it an effective form of emotion regulation without the need for full awareness.

2. Identifying Underlying Needs

Often, arguments are not just about the specific issue at hand but are driven by deeper, unmet needs. Maybe one partner felt abandoned or unimportant during the disagreement, or perhaps there's an unresolved need for more affection or attention that was triggered.

Research published in Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy in 2020 shows that experiences of childhood emotional neglect and abuse often lead to feelings of being unloved, which can cause insecurity and mistrust in adult relationships.

These factors contribute to misunderstandings, emotional distance and ongoing conflict, making it difficult for partners to cultivate intimacy and communicate effectively. Consequently, aftermath conversations should prioritize identifying these underlying needs, as they often remain unexpressed during the heat of the argument.

Here's how you can dig deeper into the root of a recurring issue during an aftermath conversation:

Ask yourself, "what did I really need at that moment?" Then, communicate that to your partner in a calm and open manner.

For example, you can say, "what I needed during that argument was reassurance that we're on the same team."

Encourage your partner to do the same and work together to understand each other's emotional needs, creating more mutual support in the relationship in the process.

3. Building Future Solutions

An essential part of any aftermath conversation is planning how to manage future conflicts, which are inevitable in any relationship. Rather than simply moving on, couples should use this opportunity to strategize and strengthen their ability to navigate challenges together.

Research on how conflict and mediation impact brain activity in romantic partners reveals that those who participated in mediated discussions showed increased activation in the nucleus accumbens—a region of the brain linked to the reward system—especially among those who felt satisfied with the resolution.

This finding underscores the positive effects of conflict resolution on both emotional well-being and neural responses within relationships. Engaging in this process not only fosters trust but also ensures that both partners feel heard and supported during future disagreements.

Here's how you can harvest solutions from an aftermath conversation:

Conclude the conversation by asking, "what can we both do differently next time?" or "how can we support each other better in these situations?"

This way, the focus shifts from the conflict itself to constructive, proactive solutions.

Strategies For Effective Aftermath Conversations

Despite their importance, aftermath conversations are often avoided due to fears that discussing past conflicts will make things worse. Many couples find it unnecessary or exhausting to revisit these topics and lack the communication tools to navigate them effectively.

However, skipping these conversations doesn't eliminate emotions; unaddressed feelings can fester, leading to distance, resentment and recurring conflicts.

For aftermath conversations to be effective, both partners need to feel safe, open and non-defensive. Here are some strategies to create that safe space:

1. Time it well. Avoid diving into an aftermath conversation immediately after the argument. Wait until both of you are calm and ready to discuss things without lingering anger or frustration.
2. Set clear intentions. Clarify that the purpose of the conversation is emotional healing and understanding, not assigning blame. This keeps the focus on growth and empathy.
3. Practice active listening. Take turns speaking without interrupting. Reflect back what the other person is saying to ensure understanding before responding. For example, say something like, "I hear you saying that you felt unappreciated. Is that right?"
4. Stay emotionally grounded. If emotions start to run high again, take a step back and remind yourselves of the goal—to connect and heal, not to reopen old wounds.
5. Be patient. Aftermath conversations may not resolve everything in one sitting. Be willing to revisit these discussions over time as more feelings arise.

Do you avoid difficult conversations with your partner? Take the Ineffective Arguing Scale to see how you stack up.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.