3 Things You Need To Consider Before Getting Back With Your Ex
Rekindling an old flame is a risky path—especially without careful consideration. Here's everything you need to consider before you try.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | February 18, 2025
Getting back with an ex often carries a negative connotation—many believe it's a step backward rather than forward. While it's true that many breakups happen for good reason, not all relationships are doomed to fail the second time around.
Sometimes, even the right relationships end—not due to a lack of love, but because of external pressures like careers, distance or personal struggles getting in the way. In such cases, the breakup can reflect a couple's circumstances rather than the relationship's potential.
In fact, some time apart can lead to growth and self-improvement. When both individuals evolve, what once caused separation may no longer stand in the way, creating the possibility for a healthier relationship.
Love isn't just about history; it's about evolution. If both individuals have reflected on what went wrong and what needs to be done to make things right, a rekindled relationship can be even stronger than before. That said, it's crucial to approach this decision with clarity, honesty and strong discernment.
Before you take that leap, here are three key things to consider.
1. Evaluate If You've Both Addressed Past Concerns
Breakups don't happen without reason—whether it was unresolved conflicts, trust issues or unmet emotional needs, something led to the split. Before rekindling the relationship, both partners must take an honest look at what went wrong and, more importantly, what has changed.
Understanding each other's perspectives is essential for a healthier dynamic moving forward. Simply wanting things to be different isn't enough—there needs to be a conscious effort to address past mistakes and implement real change. Both partners should be willing to make a concrete commitment to personal growth and healthier relationship dynamics.
Have you both developed better communication skills? Have you worked through old insecurities or unhealthy patterns? True reconciliation isn't just about missing each other—it's about ensuring the same problems won't resurface.
An interesting study published in the Journal of Divorce & Remarriage in 2016 explored why some couples choose to stay together even after filing for divorce. Researchers interviewed seven couples who had started divorce proceedings but decided to reconcile before finalizing the separation.
The study highlights that successful marital reconciliation requires personal growth, reflection, communication and staying united through difficult times. Time apart allowed couples to reflect on their relationship challenges and gain a clearer understanding of what went wrong.
While separation can provide clarity, lasting reconciliation depends on whether both individuals have done the necessary emotional work to be the partners they need to be.
2. Assess Your Intentions To Put In Consistent Effort
A rekindled relationship can only thrive if both partners are equally invested in making it work. It's not enough for one person to carry the emotional weight—both individuals must be willing to put in the same level of effort, not just in the beginning, but consistently over time.
A healthy reunion isn't about one person proving their love or trying harder to make things work; it's about mutual dedication and shared responsibility.
The 2016 study found that couples who successfully reconciled actively worked through their challenges, made multiple repair attempts and remained dedicated to improving their relationship. Rather than letting conflicts divide them, they learned to support each other, communicate more effectively and set clear boundaries.
Consistent effort involves open and honest communication and making changes based on each other's needs. It also involves being mindful of negative patterns that led to the breakup and continuously working together to create healthier habits.
Small and consistent actions like prioritizing quality time, expressing appreciation and resolving conflicts constructively help rebuild trust and emotional security. To further strengthen reconciliation, couples can implement structured check-ins—regularly scheduled conversations to discuss progress and feelings in a non-judgmental space.
Another effective approach is creating shared goals, such as learning a new skill together or setting relationship milestones, which also encourages teamwork and deeper connection.
3. Reflect On Your Willingness To Forgive Each Other
Forgiveness plays a crucial role in whether a relationship can truly heal and move forward. When past conflicts, betrayals or misunderstandings remain unresolved, they continue to create emotional distance.
Research published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that forgiving partners tend to regulate their behavior to improve the relationship.
The study identifies two ways that forgiveness improves relationships:
- Reducing negative conflict. Forgiveness prevents destructive behaviors like blaming or holding grudges.
- Encouraging positive behavior. Forgiving individuals actively work on improving their relationship instead of dwelling on past conflicts.
These two factors work together to increase overall satisfaction in a relationship. Of course, forgiveness does not mean ignoring past mistakes or pretending they didn't happen; it means consciously choosing to release resentment and work toward rebuilding trust.
However, forgiveness must be mutual; if only one partner is willing to let go of past grievances while the other continues to harbor resentment, the relationship may struggle to find true peace and stability.
If you and your ex are considering reconciliation, ask yourselves: Are you both willing to genuinely forgive past mistakes? Can you let go of resentment and focus on creating a better future rather than dwelling on past pain? If the answer is yes, then you have a foundation to rebuild trust and strengthen your bond. If not, lingering bitterness may continue to damage the relationship despite the desire to reconcile.
Sustaining A Rebuilt Relationship
Rekindling a relationship is possible when both partners can find common ground and genuinely believe in moving forward together. However, one of the biggest challenges in long-term relationships is the illusion of complete familiarity—when you've known someone for a long time, you might feel like you already understand them entirely.
This assumption can become a barrier, preventing you from recognizing the ways your partner is growing and changing. To rebuild a strong and lasting connection, both individuals must remain open to viewing each other with fresh eyes, acknowledging personal growth and adapting to new dynamics in the relationship.
Here are some strategies for sustaining a healthier relationship than before:
- Building a conflict resolution plan. Establish ground rules for handling disagreements constructively and avoid falling into older patterns of conflict that didn't work for you.
- Strengthening emotional intimacy. Engage in activities that foster connection, like gratitude exercises or shared rituals that highlight your commonalities and shared goals as a couple.
- Seeking external support. Consider therapy, self-help resources or relationship workshops to gain new perspectives on making your partnership work.
- Encouraging individual growth. Support each other's personal goals to maintain balance in the relationship. Individual fulfillment is an indispensable part of relationship satisfaction.
So, before taking the leap, ask yourself: Are we building something new, or simply revisiting the past? The answer will determine whether your relationship is truly built to last.
Have you and your ex found healthier ways to resolve conflict? Take this science-backed test to find out: Ineffective Arguing Inventory
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.