3 Strategies To Conquer Intimacy Anxiety, According To A Therapist
Here's how to courageously step beyond fear's grip and embrace the power of love.
By Jourdan Travers, LCSW | July 19. 2023
Building and maintaining healthy connections requires individuals to be vulnerable, trust one another, and invest emotionally in the relationship. Unfortunately, many people struggle with anxieties that hinder their ability to form and sustain fulfilling bonds.
These relationship fears often stem from past experiences that have left emotional scars, deep-seated insecurities, or negative beliefs about oneself and relationships in general. While most people label their acquired fears and insecurities as a general 'fear of intimacy,' it can be worth diving deeper and picking apart the notions shaping this fear in the first place.
Not only will it help you be the best version of yourself in your relationship, you will also be able to articulate your needs more precisely.
Here are three inherent fears you might have that could, over the years, develop into a larger, more amorphous fear of being intimate and vulnerable with someone.
1. Fear of Rejection
Fear of rejection can be a formidable barrier to building and nurturing relationships and might stem from the deep-seated, evolutionary anxiety of not being accepted or valued by others, which can lead to self-doubt. It can manifest in many ways, such as avoiding social situations, being overly self-conscious, or being excessively critical of oneself.
In a study focusing on rejection, lead author and psychologist Mark Leary found that many people tend to perceive more rejection in their lives than they actually experience.
"We tend to have negative, rather than neutral, reactions to learning that someone feels neutral about us. What this means is that most people probably go through life feeling more rejected than they actually are," he explains.
Therefore, if someone is experiencing feelings of rejection or struggling to feel accepted, it is important for them to consider whether they may be underestimating their worth in relationships due to ambiguous social cues or perceiving neutral feedback as negative. The initial step in addressing concerns about rejection is to objectively examine the evidence and avoid over-interpreting it with negativity.
Another way to avoid being controlled by your fear of rejection is to challenge your negative thoughts and embrace your self-worth through self-regulation.
Self-regulation is the ability to identify and control your emotions and behaviors, which plays a key role in challenging negative thoughts that lead to feelings of fear and insecurity. Once you are aware of maladaptive thought patterns, you can reframe them by seeking evidence for your belief, consciously practicing positive self-talk in weak moments, and taking time to truly appreciate yourself.
2. Fear of Inadequacy
The fear of inadequacy or the belief that we are not deserving of a fulfilling relationship can take a heavy emotional toll on us. This fear can manifest in a number of ways too, like constantly comparing yourself with others or your partner's ex(es), or experiencing the lingering feeling of never being good enough.
In a recent study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, psychologist Gul Gunaydin of Sabanci University in Istanbul, Turkey suggests that reflecting on positive romantic experiences and simple acts of love and affection can accumulate to make both partners feel more secure in a relationship.
"When jointly reminiscing about these positive experiences, partners can try to validate one another and the relationship. Telling how grateful they are for sharing the experience, disclosing positive emotions they felt during the experience or expressing how much they look forward to similar experiences in the future can be reassuring," states Gunaydin.
3. Fear of Abandonment
The fear of abandonment can be rooted in past experiences of feeling left behind or neglected, creating a lingering fear of being alone or unloved in relationships. This fear can manifest in two ways:
- If you've been emotionally neglected in the past by parents, a caregiver, or a partner, you might fear that other people will neglect you too, causing fear of emotional abandonment.
- Physical abandonment happens when an important person exits your life abruptly. For example, you might live with fear of abandonment today that is connected to a parent leaving you in your childhood.
In fact, a study published in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence explains that the death of a parent can also lead to deeply entrenched abandonment issues, giving rise to anxiety in romantic relationships and even depressive symptoms as late as six years into the relationship.
To dilute the long-term impact unaddressed abandonment issues can have on your life, you can start by recognizing your triggers to manage your fears. Identify the situations, behaviors, or specific relationships that trigger your fear of abandonment.
For example, notice if your anxiety escalates during disagreements with your partner, or if you fear being replaced when you see them spending time with friends or engaging in activities without you.
Acknowledging your fear of abandonment might be the most difficult, but ultimately the most effective, step towards a life where you feel secure in your closest relationships.
Conclusion
Being propelled by your fears is possibly the most unsatisfying approach to living life. But this does not mean that you have to throw yourself into the deep end all the time. Slowly dismantling your fears and their underlying faulty cognitions can bring about a massive transformation in the way you view and behave in relationships.