3 Reasons Why Not Oversharing On A Date Makes You More Attractive

Staying mysterious on a date with someone new can actually help build a deeper connection.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | June 14, 2025

There are two types of dates that can shake your confidence: one where you feel so nervous that you can barely get a word out and another where your nervousness leads you to overshare. You want to be authentic and "show them who you really are" but it's tough to strike that balance.

In such cases, the best step to take is to show a little restraint. You don't have to bare it all right away, but you also don't need to be tight-lipped. The key lies in pacing.

Think about the people you're most intrigued by. They're usually the ones who are just a little hard to read. They might be open and welcoming, but share their lives bit by bit as they get to know you.

Here are three reasons why having a touch of mystery makes you stand out to your date.

1. It Gives Them A Reason To Fantasize About You

The reason why situationships can sometimes hit us so much harder than relationships may have to do with our fantasies. We already know how and why a relationship ended, but a situationship comes with a lot of blanks that our mind tries to fill with fantasies. We may have imagined a future with the version of them that we liked, and this vision keeps us hooked.

The same phenomenon can be used more constructively in dating, where you slowly get to know the other person. For instance, you might reveal that you're a ballet dancer and later mention how you enjoy fishing with your brothers. This can make the other person wonder what else there is to figure out about you and recognize that you are multi-faceted.

When you leave certain things unsaid, you invite the other person's imagination to fill in the blanks. This taps into a phenomenon called the Zeigarnik Effect, which refers to our tendency to fixate on incomplete information.

Dating is a journey of figuring each other out. This is why it's also important to allow yourself to evolve and keep up your hobbies, interests and social life while you date, so you have stories of your authentic self to share. That is what makes the process of getting to know each other consistently interesting.

Create room for curiosity and let the attraction build over time. You're not being evasive on purpose. You're trying to let the other person engage with you over shared interests, lighter topics and slowly delve deeper as you get to know each other better.

2. It Offers Them A Chance To Miss You

In the age of constant connectivity, we underestimate the seduction of absence. When you don't reveal everything at one go and create some distance between the two of you, you give your date the chance to think about you and to miss you.

By doing so, you're not pulling back. All you're trying to do is ensure you're not getting sucked into a whirlwind of romance and pacing your relationship. You need to have some emotional breathing room.

One 2010 study published in Psychological Science shows that college women were most attracted to the men when they weren't sure how much those men liked them. This doesn't mean that anyone should chase emotionally unavailable partners, but confirms that creating a little bit of mystery can increase anticipation and likely, attraction.

While we should always aim for mutual attraction and honest communication in relationships, both partners taking space and time for themselves can be healthy and energizing for a couple.

3. It Allows A Deep Connection To Build Over Time

If you give away too much about yourself on the very first date, the other person may show signs of discomfort or even indifference. This is the result of a dating practice called floodlighting, where you overshare, perhaps about childhood challenges or work woes, and anticipate immediate emotional reciprocity.

When you reveal everything upfront, you risk overwhelming the other person, or worse, letting them define you too quickly. But when you share yourself in layers, you create space for curiosity. You invite them in to pay attention and earn each piece of the puzzle that you are.

You don't have to be inauthentic to build intimacy. However, sharing details about yourself with time gives you a chance to choose what to reveal, when and to whom, and ensure that access to you lies with the right person.

By being intentional with what you share and how you engage, you not only build intrigue, but also show emotional maturity. Remember that in the art of connection, sometimes the most seductive thing you can do is leave something to imagination.

Are you self-aware enough to notice when you're oversharing? Take this science-backed test to find out: Self-Awareness Outcomes Questionnaire

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.