3 Questions That Reveal If Your Relationship Is Built To Last

With these three simple 'yes' or 'no' questions, you can discover profound insights about the health of your relationship.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | January 13, 2025

As much as we'd like to believe otherwise, there probably isn't a single "trick" or "secret" to making relationships last. Our relationships are as individual as we are, and there's no rulebook that accounts for the countless ways they can be built up or fall apart. Nevertheless, thriving relationships often share certain universal traits and behaviors.

Below are three relationship-related questions you can answer with a simple "yes" or "no." If you find yourself saying "yes" to all of them, chances are you've already built a relationship that's made to last—no tricks or secrets required.

1. If You And Your Partner Weren't In A Relationship, Could You See Yourselves Being Good Friends?

For some, it can be quite hard to imagine what their relationship would look like if it hadn't turned into something romantic. However, for people in a truly healthy relationship, this question is often answered with a confident "yes." Since, as research from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships explains, "Romantic relationships are, at their core, friendships."

Specifically, the researchers note that partners who strongly value the friendship aspect of a relationship are far more likely to exhibit greater sexual satisfaction, commitment and love overall.

This is likely because these couples recognize that being in a romantic relationship, much like a friendship, should be a conscious choice that partners make every day. In friendship, we choose to maintain closeness with those who make us happy and contribute meaningfully to our lives. Naturally, the same should apply to a romantic relationship.

Unfortunately, however, many couples maintain their relationships for less endearing reasons. Some stay together purely because they've already invested in the relationship—despite how incompatible they may be—and fear that a breakup would be a "waste" of all the physical and emotional resources they've spent. Others simply remain in a complacent relationship because it's all they know; it may not be a happy relationship, but over time, it becomes familiar and comfortable.

However, if you know in your heart that you and your partner would be good friends if romance were off the table, this is a promising sign. Partners who cherish each other as both friends and lovers—exclusively, yet to equal extents—are partners who recognize the many ways that they enrich each other's lives.

Such partners cannot imagine a life in which they do not share with one another, watch each other grow or enjoy one another's company. They actively and intentionally choose the other person each day, over and over.

2. Do You Like The Person You Are When You're Around Your Partner?

It can become habitual for couples to see themselves as a unit—an inseparable duo. Of course, this kind of shared identity is an invaluable aspect of a romantic relationship. However, individuality is just as important, and it informs many of the ways we interact within our relationships.

So, considering the kind of person you are when you're around your partner—versus alone or with others—is vital. And, for healthy couples, they both know and love this version of themselves.

This is the product of the "Michelangelo phenomenon," according to research from Current Directions in Psychological Science—which describes the positive, beautiful ways in which partners influence one another's existence. The concept is inspired by the pioneering painter and sculptor, Michelangelo, who was able to turn one of the most mundane and inflexible mediums, stone, into something entirely new and awe-inspiring: art.

Similarly, partners who exhibit the Michelangelo phenomenon symbiotically carve and sculpt one another's selves when together. They support, love and cherish one another unconditionally. Over time, this constant love and adoration allows them to grow into more fulfilled, motivated and happier versions of themselves.

Incompatible partners, on harder days, may consistently feel resentful, combative or simply annoyed in one another's presence. Healthy partners, on the other hand, can take comfort in knowing that no matter how terribly the day went, they'll come home to someone who will love and uplift them—no matter what mistakes were made. Their commitment and motivation never strays; they beam in one another's presence so brightly that they shine even when apart.

3. If Your Partner Never Changed, Would You Still Want To Be With Them?

In popular culture, "I wouldn't change you for the world" is revered as one of the most heartfelt compliments you could offer. And while it should be esteemed, many individuals fail to recognize why this saying is so profound.

Often, we think this compliment signals perfection—that we are flawless people, with no bad habits or traits worth changing. However, this is almost never the case; perfection is a myth when it comes to personality—and the true meaning of this compliment shines when we recognize this.

It isn't to say that there's nothing you could or should change; it's to say that, no matter what, you are loved just the way you are. While perfection may seem like the ideal compliment, unconditional acceptance is worth far more. As a 2021 study from the Journal of Family Psychology explains, acceptance from a partner and, in turn, feeling accepted, contributes significantly to relationship satisfaction.

It goes without saying that partners who desperately wish that one another would change—be it their habits, personal views or their personalities—will struggle to feel satisfied, and rightly so. No one should feel pressured to maintain a relationship with someone who, day in and day out, displays obnoxious behavior without consideration for the other's feelings. However, in a healthy relationship, partners recognize each other's shortcomings (none of which are damning) without allowing it to cloud their view of the relationship overall.

A loving partnership doesn't involve ignoring bad habits or weakness; rather, you recognize that these are not defining characteristics. On good and bad days, you accept your partner wholly—not despite these flaws, but regardless of them.

You also acknowledge that perfection is unrealistic, and refuse to let their wrongs carry more weight than their rights. Even if they never changed, you would continue to devote yourself to them—as you continually recognize that they are greater than the sum of their parts.

Were these questions more difficult to answer than you expected? Take this science-backed test, and find out if your relationship is thriving, or just surviving: Relationship Flourishing Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here, and on PsychologyToday.com, here.