2 Ways 'Letter-Writing' Can Help You Reduce Relationship Conflict

You may think letter-writing to be a practice of the past, but it can have revolutionary effects on your relationship. Here's how.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | December 06, 2024

In a world dominated by instant messages and quick replies, the art of letter-writing has become something of a lost treasure. But it holds surprising potential to improve our relationships, particularly when navigating conflict.

Whether you prefer to put pen to paper or reveal your deepest emotions to your "Notes" app, letter-writing is a timeless way to express yourself, work through difficult emotions and connect with others.

In a study published this September in Trends in Psychology, researchers highlight how letter-writing is a powerful therapeutic tool for reducing relationship conflict.

When practiced with intention and specific principles in mind, letter-writing offers the following unique benefits:

• It reduces shame. Research shows that people often find it easier to write rather than speak about emotions such as shame. Writing creates a safe distance, giving them the space to process and articulate emotions without the immediate vulnerability of speaking them aloud. By externalizing shame through written words, they can gain relief and perspective.
• It helps set boundaries. Writing also empowers people to control who reads their words and how much of themselves they wish to reveal. This intentionality helps clarify personal boundaries in a way that feels safe and respectful.
• It helps process emotions. Research shows that writing allows individuals to process complex feelings, such as anger, sadness or disappointment, with greater depth and clarity. This emotional work often leads to lower anxiety and a sense of readiness for in-person conversations.
• It de-escalates conflict. Expressive writing about relationships improves communication and relationship stability. Couples who engage in reflective writing are also likely to use more positive emotional language and experience strengthened relational bonds. By articulating thoughts and feelings on paper, they can approach conflicts with greater empathy and understanding.

Unlike verbal conversations, letters allow time for reflection, mental preparedness and emotional clarity. Researchers suggest that they can also bypass some of the challenges of face-to-face interactions, such as interruptions or a fear of immediate rejection.

"When one sits with their thoughts and has time to process them, they are able to articulate in a more cohesive manner rather than if they were speaking at the moment and reacting to a situation," the researchers explain.

Researchers suggest the following questions to reflect on before writing such a letter:

• How do I feel when beginning this?
• What should I do to get in the right headspace to write this letter?
• How do I structure this so all my points are addressed?
• What is my goal in writing this?
• How do I want to feel after finishing?
• What is my plan if I feel worse after?
• Do I share with my friends that I'm writing the letter? If so, do I let them read it?
• What if my friends do not agree with what I wrote?
• How vulnerable is too vulnerable?
• How long should this letter be?
• Would I be okay with my partner reading this? If yes, why? If no, would you want to rephrase, omit something, add more?
• What is my plan if this person does not respond?
• What if I don't get the response I want?
• What is the best outcome if they read this? Worst outcome?

Researchers also provide the following guidelines on writing a therapeutic letter.

1. Write It For You

Researchers emphasize that the primary purpose of writing a letter is not to elicit a specific response from the recipient, but to express your emotions and thoughts clearly. Avoid setting rigid expectations for when, if or how the other person will respond. This mindset shifts the emphasis from gaining external validation to internal clarity.

"It is important to remember your purpose for writing the letter and how it feels for you, as compared to being focused on how that other person will receive it," the researchers write.

To write the letter, you can start with a "brain dump," jotting down all your thoughts and feelings without worrying about grammar or structure. Once you've captured your ideas, review and revise them for clarity and tone. You can also consider sharing your draft with a trusted friend or therapist for feedback.

Unlike text messages or spoken words, letters provide a built-in pause. This gap between writing and delivering allows for thoughtful revisions and ensures that emotions are communicated effectively.

This process can also prevent misunderstandings and reduce the emotional intensity of conflicts. Researchers suggest that this can be a great opportunity to experience compassion, gratitude and forgiveness for oneself or the recipient.

Sending a letter can feel vulnerable, as it places the recipient in control of their response. However, this act of vulnerability is also an opportunity to reclaim personal power as the author of one's own story. Researchers find that writing allows individuals to "find their voice," articulate their needs and advocate for themselves in an empowering way.

Remember, there is no formal word limit or page requirement, and it's important to write in a way that comes naturally to you, just as you might speak in-person.

"There is no need to utilize proper grammar or speak in academic terms when writing this letter. Additionally, it can be beneficial to reference inside jokes or stories, as this provides a connection," the researchers advise.

The authors also encourage us to question our assumptions about what the recipient may want or how they feel, and avoid writing letters based on that. Again, it is about you, not them.

2. Avoid Blame

Blaming language, whether explicit or implied, creates defensiveness and escalates conflict. The authors also strictly warn against name-calling or insulting a partner, as this can only create relationship strain and signal disrespect.

Instead, use "I" statements to take ownership of your feelings and needs. For instance, instead of saying "you always prioritize work over us," you can write, "I feel disconnected when we don't spend quality time together." This approach invites dialogue rather than argument.

Vague or unrealistic demands in the letter can also lead to frustration. Clearly state what you need and ensure your expectations are achievable. For instance, using the earlier example, you can add "I'd like us to set aside one evening a week to spend together without distractions."

Letter-writing offers benefits beyond resolving immediate conflicts. If sent, a well-crafted letter conveys care, vulnerability and a willingness to invest in the relationship. It can also follow up on a difficult conversation, provide reassurance during challenging times or simply remind the recipient of their value.

If kept to oneself, a letter still provides a valuable space to collect one's thoughts, rehearse important conversations and regulate one's emotions, allowing you to intentionally respond to your partner, rather than impulsively reacting to them in the heat of the moment. Perhaps, in learning to write with care, we also learn to love with greater depth.

Do you and your partner handle conflict well? Take this test to find out: Ineffective Arguing Inventory

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.