2 Signs You're In A 'Chaser-Spacer' Marriage

Are you and your spouse constantly pushing and pulling away from each other? There could be a 'chaser-spacer' dynamic at play.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | May 12, 2025

Some marriages don't unravel through conflict — they get caught in a more insidious, exhausting loop. When your marriage is struggling, you might feel like you're constantly trying to bridge the gap between you, but something still feels off no matter how much effort you put in.

One of you pushes for closeness, while the other pulls away to create space. The more one reaches out, the more the other retreats. Over time, this push-pull dynamic can leave you feeling stuck in the same frustrating cycle — always moving, but never getting closer.

This is the "chaser-spacer dynamic," a common relational pattern where one partner seeks emotional connection and the other needs distance to feel safe. It's not about who's right or wrong but rather about how unmet emotional needs and different ways of coping can quietly erode intimacy in even the most committed marriages.

The chaser's desire for closeness can overwhelm the spacer, who may feel emotionally suffocated or in need of autonomy. Over time, this tension can leave both partners feeling isolated and unable to bridge the emotional gap between them.

Understanding this dynamic is the first step toward healing, but recognizing it in your marriage can be difficult, especially when it shows up in small, everyday moments.

Here are three signs you may be caught in a chaser-spacer marriage.

1. Emotional Conversations Always End In Exhaustion, Not Resolution

In marriages caught in the chaser-spacer dynamic, attempts to discuss feelings often devolve into emotional exhaustion rather than resolution. The partner seeking connection (the chaser) may initiate conversations with the hope of creating understanding and closeness, but these discussions can overwhelm the partner who needs space (the spacer). The spacer might shut down, withdraw or become defensive, leaving the chaser feeling unheard and the spacer feeling emotionally ambushed.

A 2017 study exploring the experiences of 115 cohabiting couples found that individuals who withdrew following conflicts (or whose partners withdrew) experienced worse post-conflict recovery, with lower relationship satisfaction and more negative moods.

This kind of withdrawal, where one partner deliberately distances themselves to regain control or avoid emotional overwhelm, eventually contributes to emotional exhaustion and hinders any productive resolution. This dynamic is particularly strong in chaser-spacer patterns where one partner's need for closeness triggers the other's urge to pull away.

To break this cycle, both partners need to practice healthier communication strategies. Here are a few ways to shift this dynamic:

• Implement a "pause and reflect" agreement. When one partner feels emotionally triggered, agree to hit the pause button for a brief reflection period. During this time, both partners can take a step back to reflect on their feelings without reacting impulsively. This helps both individuals gain perspective and prevents an emotional standoff from escalating.
• Create a connection ritual. Set aside regular, intentional moments to connect emotionally, whether it's a weekly check-in, a daily 10-minute conversation or simply a moment of affection. This helps build emotional security and prevents the chaser from feeling ignored or abandoned.
• Practice mutual vulnerability. Both partners can take turns sharing their emotional experiences without the pressure to fix them. By expressing vulnerability, the chaser can feel heard, and the spacer can begin to understand that emotional closeness doesn't always require immediate action or resolution.

Shifting from reactionary responses to intentional communication allows the chaser to feel heard and the spacer to feel respected. Over time, this approach nurtures a deeper emotional connection, all while creating space for both partners to meet each other's needs without draining the relationship. With patience and mutual effort, the cycle of emotional exhaustion can be replaced with a more balanced dynamic.

2. You're Both Walking On Eggshells, But For Opposite Reasons

Quite often, when you're trapped in a chaser-spacer dynamic, both partners can feel like they are tiptoeing around each other, but for completely different reasons. The chaser is cautious, trying not to trigger the spacer's retreat, while the spacer is equally careful not to ignite confrontation or overwhelm the chaser. Instead of feeling free to express themselves, both partners find themselves in a constant state of alertness, never fully able to be their authentic selves.

Research explains this emotional tension by showing how expressing vulnerability, something meant to bring partners closer, can make some people feel more insecure. Researchers found that when individuals opened up emotionally, they often started to believe their partner saw them as weak or overly sensitive. This belief made them question whether their partner's kind or loving responses were even genuine.

As a result, they felt rejected, not because of what their partner did, but because of the doubt and self-judgment triggered by their own emotional exposure. Over time, this led them to see their partner in a more negative light and seek reassurance again, continuing the cycle.

Here's how this plays out in a chaser-spacer dynamic — if you're the chaser, opening up may leave you second-guessing yourself and your partner's support. And if you're the spacer, the emotional intensity of the conversation might feel overwhelming, making you pull away to protect both yourself and the relationship.

So, even though neither partner intends to hurt the other, the fear of rejection, whether real or imagined, can keep you both in a state of hyper-awareness, unable to relax.

The key to breaking this cycle is to create emotional safety within the relationship for both you and your partner. Here are a few ways you can create a space where both of you feel safe to be real:

• Use "I" statements. Practice using statements like "I feel unheard when I talk about this" instead of inherently blaming statements like "You never listen to me." This reduces the listener's defensiveness.
• Validate before solving. Acknowledge your partner's feelings without jumping into solutions. Validation builds trust.
• Set predictable check-ins. Regular, calm conversations create a sense of stability, so emotions don't only surface in conflict.
• Respect pacing. If one partner needs space and the other needs closeness, find a middle ground, like agreeing to revisit the conversation after a short break.
• Avoid emotional ultimatums. Saying things like "If you loved me, you'd…" can create panic and shutdown. Instead, focus on stating clear needs. For instance, "It's important to me to spend quality time together."

Small, consistent shifts in how you communicate can create the emotional safety that transforms tension into connection. When both partners feel seen and safe, the need to tiptoe fades and an honest connection becomes possible.

From 'Fixer' And 'Ghost' To Equal Partners

Ultimately, the chaser-spacer dynamic creates an imbalance in your marriage. The constant push and pull can lead to one partner taking on the role of the "fixer," while the other withdraws into the role of the "ghost."

This imbalance can erode trust, create feelings of isolation and deepen resentment, leaving both partners feeling disconnected despite being physically together. The chaser may feel like they're carrying the emotional weight of the marriage, while the spacer feels suffocated by its demands. Over time, these roles solidify and can make it even harder to break free from the cycle, pushing both partners further apart.

Since this imbalance often stems from unresolved issues and attachment styles, it's essential to address the emotional needs of both partners equally. Instead of allowing one person to assume the weight of the marriage, work together to create mutual emotional investment. It's also important to consider seeking professional help, whether individually or as a couple, to explore the roots of these dynamics and address them effectively.

Approach your marriage as a partnership where both people are actively involved in maintaining emotional safety and growth. Meet in the middle, so that no one needs to chase, and you can find peace without needing excessive space.

Want to understand the emotional dynamics in your marriage? Start exploring your attachment styles with these two science-backed tests: The Anxious Attachment Scale and the Avoidant Attachment Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.