2 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn't Overlook

If these relationship deal-breakers show up in a potential partner, the healthiest move is to walk away. Here's why trying to 'help' them will only hurt you.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | May 09, 2025

One of the most fatal mistakes people make in relationships is believing, "I can fix them." When a potential partner checks the right boxes — attractive, charming, funny, financially stable — it's easy to convince yourself that their bad traits are manageable, or perhaps even changeable.

But sometimes, this optimism leads to sabotage. Certain traits simply cannot be reduced to mere "flaws." In severe cases, they may prove harmful in ways that can damage trust, stability and emotional safety.

Here are two traits that should never be overlooked in the pursuit for a partner. These traits shouldn't be considered minor imperfections, but rather as absolute deal-breakers.

1. Bigotry

In the early stages of dating, bigotry often goes unnoticed. And according to 2020 research from Deviant Behavior, there's a very specific and insidious reason for this perceived late onset.

According to the study, bigots go to extreme lengths to filter their pool of potential partners, which are made easy in online dating. By blocking, ignoring and simply filtering out the individuals who don't fit their ideals, they're left only with candidates who tick their own dogmatic boxes.

In most cases, you won't realize a person shows signs — such as racism, sexism, homophobia or any other harmful ism or phobia — until the relationship has progressed beyond merely "just talking."

Once they've found a partner that meets their "criteria," the researchers suggest that only then might they begin to make their discriminatory views known — or, rather, attempt to justify them to you.

At first, they surface subtly: as offhand jokes, as so-called "just facts" or as opinions that they argue are backed by logic rather than bias. They might present their beliefs as an intellectual stance rather than outright discrimination, and position themselves as "realists" who simply "see the world as it is."

In other cases, they may use personal anecdotes to justify their intolerance. They might claim they were "wronged" by a particular group, and therefore, their views are not discriminatory, but merely a "reasonable caution."

Over time, and without any pushback, this pattern will escalate. The justification deepens as they begin integrating their beliefs into everyday conversations; they'll treat their ideologies as self-evident truths rather than opinions up for debate.

If their partner expresses discomfort, they might counter with deflection — "You're too sensitive," "I'm just being honest" or the classic, "It's just my preference." These tactics are specially designed to minimize opposition. In turn, this makes it easier for their partner to rationalize staying in the relationship, rather than confronting the uncomfortable reality of who they're dating.

What makes this especially insidious is that when a partner already sees many admirable traits — intelligence, humor, stability — it becomes increasingly tempting to overlook their harmful worldviews in favor of their "good qualities."

This cognitive dissonance will only grow stronger. Their partner might tell themselves, "Sure, they think like this, but they're good to me. They're not outright cruel, and I'm sure they'll change over time." And so, the relationship continues — until the consequences become impossible to ignore. Their partners may only realize once it's too late that these traits never exist in a vacuum.

Say, for instance, they hold racist views: What do you think happens once their partner introduces them to their beloved friends or family of color? Say they're homophobic: What happens if their relationship progresses to the extent of marriage and children, and their child comes out as gay? More often than not, these scenarios are where the ugliest of consequences rear their heads.

Simply put, even if you don't hold the same views, accepting a partner who holds them is akin to saying they're dismissible simply because they don't apply to you directly. However, these views will affect you down the line — in ways that may severely harm the ones you love.

2. Chronic Dishonesty

Lies — especially small ones — are generally well-concealed beneath charm and reassurance in the early stages of relationships. And even when inconsistencies arise, people are inclined to brush them off. Too often, we reason that everyone"exaggerates" a little or "smooths over" uncomfortable truths.

Moreover, early attraction can greatly cloud our judgment. When someone seems like the ideal partner, their dishonesty can be overlooked under the guise that surely their intentions are good.

However, deception thrives in the spaces where scrutiny is absent. And by the time dishonesty reveals itself as a pattern rather than an exception, it's usually too late — the emotional investment is already deep. From there, descent is inevitable.

Research from the International Journal of Psychology emphasizes just how damaging dishonesty is to relationships. According to the study's findings, any form of deception — from little fibs and half-truths to deceit and blatant lying — can significantly and negatively impact relationship satisfaction over time.

In this sense, giving a liar the benefit of the doubt is rarely a one-time decision, nor does it have self-contained consequences.

The lies may seem minor at first: they forget to mention an old relationship, they exaggerate a personal achievement, they cover up something embarrassing. No matter how unassuming or trivial they may appear, even lies that seem harmless in isolation can set a precedent.

If these little lies go unacknowledged, without repercussions or reprimand, they will more than likely persist and grow. And when deception becomes more shrewd — once partners knowingly manipulate, hide significant details or fabricate realities — the relationship quickly becomes characterized by control, rather than trust.

Consider the everyday reality of being with someone who lies compulsively. You ask where they were last night, and they give you an answer — but how do you know it's true? You catch them in a contradiction, but they laugh it off and twist their words until you're left second-guessing yourself instead of them. They promise they'll handle an important responsibility — bills, commitments, job applications — but later, you find out they never followed through.

Minor embellishments breed mistrust; in turn, this diminishes whatever sense of emotional safety is left, one lie at a time. With each deception — small or large — you are forced to compensate: over-explaining, fact-checking, covering for them and even lying on their behalf to avoid social embarrassment.

Committing to a liar, in the long run, is a slow act of deceiving yourself. You tell yourself they'll change, that their dishonesty isn't that bad, that they mean well. In reality, however, rationalizing a liar's behavior is just a long-winded way of dismissing your own need for honesty and peace.

The truth is the absolute bare minimum in a relationship. And if someone is willing to lie about the small things early on, who's to say they won't lie about colossal, life-altering things later? This isn't something you can bargain for.

Have you overlooked potential deal-breakers in your relationship? Take this science-backed test, and find out if it's cause for concern: Relationship Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.