2 Reasons Why You Should Start Embracing 'Healthy Selfishness'
Selfishness isn't just necessary in some cases, but encouraged. Here's how to adopt it healthily.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | September 27, 2024
Being selfish has a bad reputation. We're often taught from an early age that prioritizing our own needs makes us cold or self-centered. But what if selfishness—when approached in the right way—could actually be beneficial?
"Healthy selfishness" is a mindset that encourages self-care without tipping into harmful narcissism. It involves prioritizing our own well-being, growth and needs in a balanced way, without neglecting or harming others.
Here are two reasons why it's important to be healthily selfish, according to research.
1. It Enhances Your Well-Being
A 2020 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that extreme selflessness, known as "pathological altruism," can have harmful consequences. This occurs when someone's desire to help others becomes so excessive or misguided that it leads to self-sacrifice or harms others.
"Not all selfishness is necessarily bad, and not all altruism is necessarily good," the researchers explain.
This type of altruism can result in unhealthy levels of self-sacrifice, enabling destructive behaviors or worsening situations despite good intentions. For instance, many participants high on pathological altruism report that people around them feel overwhelmed by their constant helping or that their help could sometimes harm others.
"Examples at an interpersonal level include the overly attentive 'helicopter' father who threatens to sue instructors that give well-deserved bad grades, or the mother who attempts to protect her son by refusing to vaccinate him," write the researchers of a 2013 study on the subject.
"Very different personalities can become entangled in pathologies of altruism, ranging from the sensitive hyperempath, to the normal person, to the utterly self-absorbed narcissist. These differing personalities share genuinely good intentions that play out in detrimental ways," the researchers add.
Many people who engage in excessive selflessness often do so out of a subconscious need for approval, which can create a cycle of giving without regard for their own well-being. This is usually an attempt to control others' impressions and feelings about them and avoid facing interpersonal rejection.
Researchers of the 2020 study found that pathological altruism is also associated with maladaptive psychological outcomes such as depression, self-neglect and a higher need for admiration. In contrast, healthy selfishness is associated with greater psychological well-being, higher self-esteem and more positive relationships.
Healthy selfishness encourages you to assert your own needs alongside others'. Many people view self-care as indulgent or unnecessary, but it's vital to draw personal boundaries with others and prioritize one's well-being for a better life.
When you take the time to reflect on what you truly need and want, you become more aligned with your authentic self. Instead of constantly trying to meet the expectations of others at your own expense, you begin to honor your own needs and desires.
2. It Allows You To Authentically Show Up For Others
Researchers found that while pathological altruism involves selfish motivations for helping others, healthy selfishness is associated with genuine prosocial behavior that is meant to benefit and uplift others.
In relationships, practicing healthy selfishness can prevent the buildup of resentment, which often arises when we overextend ourselves to meet the needs of others. This protects your mental and emotional health and enhances psychological resources. When you're feeling your best, you're more capable of helping others from an authentic space.
Such acts of kindness stem from a place of emotional abundance rather than obligation. Ultimately, healthy selfishness allows you to be present and emotionally available in ways that excessive selflessness—which heavily drains internal resources—cannot.
In a world where selflessness is often glorified, it's crucial to rethink the way we view selfishness. Healthy selfishness isn't about neglecting others or becoming self-absorbed; it's about recognizing that your well-being is the foundation for everything else in your life.
By honoring your own needs, you give yourself the freedom to live more fully, while simultaneously showing up as your best self for the people who matter most.
How well do you look after your own well-being? Take this science-backed test to find out: Self-Care Inventory
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.