2 Questions You Need To Ask Your Partner

Want to be the best partner you can possibly be? Then you need to ask your partner these two questions.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | September 12, 2024

In relationships, one of the most profound ways to strengthen trust, commitment and intimacy is by offering meaningful support to your partner. Yet, the idea of "support" can be subjective and tricky to navigate.

What might feel supportive to one person could feel suffocating or unhelpful to another. To truly support your partner in ways that resonate with them, it's essential to engage in open, honest conversations about their needs. Asking the right questions can provide insight into how to best be there for them.

Here are two questions to ask your partner to offer them the support they need, according to research.

1. How Can I Support You In Challenging Times?

Life inevitably presents us with challenges, and having a supportive partner by your side during tough times can make all the difference. However, support looks different for everyone. Some people need a listening ear, while others prefer practical help or space to process their emotions independently.

This question invites your partner to share their preferences and allows you to avoid making assumptions about what they need. For instance, your partner may express that in stressful times, they prefer emotional reassurance over problem-solving.

A study published last month in the European Journal of Personality found that, more than how you believe you've supported them, how a partner perceives your support is more likely to affect relationship quality for you both.

Researchers found that when partners feel heard, valued or supported to solve their problem through actionable steps, it positively influences relationship quality. However, trying to suppress or dismiss your partner's emotions has a clear negative effect.

"He listens, acknowledges my emotions and doesn't overreact. He lets me dictate what I need. It could be sleep, a little bit of tv, snacks, alone time, etc," one reddit user explains.

"A therapist's podcast I listen to says don't "SAC" your relationship. Don't offer Suggestions, give Advice or Criticize. If your partner is venting, let them vent. You can ask if they'd like advice, but don't give it unwarranted. Chances are they know what to do to fix the situation, they just want to vent about it," another reddit user writes.

Additionally, a 2021 study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin suggests that when partners are perceived as caring and responsive, it can enhance affection and intimacy in relationships. This creates a solid foundation for facing challenges together as a team.

It's also important to revisit this question periodically, as their needs may evolve over time. Different challenges may require different kinds of support, and checking in ensures that your approach remains attuned to their present situation.

Some variations of this question include:

• What do you need from me when you're feeling overwhelmed or stressed?
• Are there specific actions I can take to make your day-to-day life easier?
• When you're going through a tough time, what kind of comfort or encouragement do you prefer?
• Is there a particular way you'd like me to communicate with you when challenges arise?

2. How Can I Support You In Achieving Your Goals And Dreams?

Supporting your partner is also about encouraging them to reach their full potential and pursue their dreams. This question opens the door to understanding their aspirations and how you can play a role in helping them get there.

Whether your partner dreams of advancing in their career, learning a new skill, pursuing a creative passion or seeks personal growth, this question invites them to share their vision with you.

A 2022 study published in the European Journal of Social Psychology found that when you support your partner's goals through words of affirmation, being responsive and caring or offering practical support, they are more likely to feel confident, more committed to their goals and make progress in their pursuit.

For instance, your partner might want help staying accountable to their goals. They might appreciate a gentle reminder to stick to their plans or tangible support, such as assistance with time management, networking or taking on certain responsibilities at home to free up time for their pursuits.

"I just snuck off and filled my wife's car so she has a full tank going into the new week. I think that taking care of little things in life is helpful. Since I work from home and she goes in (hospital), I work to make sure that the homefront is ship-shape as much as I can so that she doesn't have to worry," one reddit user writes, highlighting how he supports his wife.

It is also essential to celebrate your partner's progress along the way. A 2021 study published in Frontiers in Psychology suggests that when an individual positively responds to their partner's personal milestones, achievements and good news, displaying genuine interest, enthusiasm and an ability to share in their joy, it enhances relationship quality.

Additionally, another 2022 study published in the Journal of Personal and Social Relationships found that working towards goals together is associated with higher relationship satisfaction. When you actively support your partner's goals, you also reinforce the emotional bond you share.

When both partners feel supported in their endeavors, they are more likely to thrive together. Remember, these conversations should be ongoing. By staying attuned to each other and remaining open to these dialogues, you can continue to offer support in ways that help your relationship thrive long-term.

Do you feel truly supported by your partner? Take this test to find out: Perceived Responsiveness Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.