In every relationship, partners make certain compromises. Yet strangely, some of these efforts seem to strengthen the bond, while others may barely make an impact. You might go out of your way to make your partner feel loved, only to feel unseen or taken for granted. Or, you could have been on the other side, realizing only later that your partner was quietly giving something up for your comfort.

These are the simple everyday sacrifices that often come wrapped in love and not duty. While they can help build connectivity and warmth, it’s important to remember that they are meaningful only when they come from a place of willingness, rather than one of pressure.

Sacrifices can turn into something much uglier when they stop being a choice and start feeling like a requirement. You or your partner may begin to feel unseen or, worse, unappreciated, as if your efforts are a minimum requirement, instead of the thoughtful gesture you intend them to be.

This brings us to the question of why some sacrifices deepen love, while others tend to create more distance? Based on research, here are two key factors that determine their impact.

1. Awareness Of The Sacrifice

Often, people assume that love speaks for itself or that their partner will simply know how much they care. But, in reality, even the most thoughtful gestures can go unnoticed. In relationships, what truly nurtures the connection isn’t just what you do for each other, but what you see in each other’s actions.

It’s surprisingly common for genuine efforts to slip under the radar. Between busy routines and the natural biases you might have in seeing your partner’s efforts, it’s possible to miss the small ways they’re showing their care for you.

In a 2018 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science, researchers conducted two daily experience studies with 426 participants, all of whom were part of romantic couples. All partners were asked to track their daily interactions over several days. Participants were then asked to reflect on two key things each day:

• Their own sacrifices. Whether they had done something they didn’t really want to do, or gave up something for their partner’s sake.

• Their partner’s sacrifices. Whether they had noticed any sacrifices their partner made for them that day.

By comparing both partners’ reports, the researchers observed and understood how often sacrifices were accurately recognized, missed entirely or even imagined when none had occurred.

The results revealed that people were just as likely to miss their partner’s sacrifices as they were to accurately notice them. What this means is that genuine acts of care often go unseen. And about half the time, people “saw” a sacrifice that their partner hadn’t actually reported making. This, in essence, was a kind of loving overestimation.

But the most interesting of these findings was that it didn’t really matter whether the perception was perfectly accurate. When people believed their partner had made a sacrifice for them, whether real or imagined, they felt more appreciative and connected.

On the other hand, when a real sacrifice went unnoticed, the person who made it often felt unappreciated. This also had a negative impact on the overall satisfaction with the relationship.

Mainly, the study highlighted the role of perception in loving sacrifice. It’s not just the act of giving that strengthens love. What is equally, and arguably more important, is the awareness of effort and sacrifice. Seeing and appreciating each other’s efforts, even imperfectly, is as vital as the efforts themselves.

But when we’re going through daily life on autopilot, we can’t help but overlook the small ways our partner shows care. To make sure the little gestures don’t go unseen, it is important to bring more awareness and intentional recognition to everyday interactions. Here are two ways to do just that:

• Pause and observe. Taking a conscious moment to notice your partner’s efforts helps you recognize the thought and intention behind them. For example, noticing that they packed your lunch or handled a chore you dislike shows that you’re paying attention. Even if these gestures have become habitual, it is important to let your partner know you see their efforts and care.

• Acknowledge their efforts. Recognition doesn’t need to be grand or dramatic. A simple “thank you,” a smile, a hug or returning a small favor can go a long way in making your partner feel seen and appreciated. This kind of acknowledgment validates their effort, which reinforces that their care hasn’t gone unnoticed. This, in turn, encourages more of the same thoughtful behavior in the future.

This way you enhance awareness and appreciation in your relationship, helping both partners feel more valued and connected.

2. Expectation Of Sacrifice

A 2019 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships explored how people’s expectations about sacrifices in relationships influence their appreciation for their partner and overall relationship satisfaction.

Over several days, the researchers observed 253 Dutch couples who reported their own sacrifices, actions where they gave up something for their partner or relationship, and also noted whether they noticed any sacrifices their partner made.

This approach allowed the researchers to capture how couples experience sacrifices in their daily lives as they actually happen, instead of relying on memory or general impressions.

The findings revealed that the impact of a partner’s sacrifice depends largely on the expectations held by the receiver:

• Low expectations increase appreciation. When partners in the study held low expectations, noticing a sacrifice led to greater gratitude, respect and relationship satisfaction.

• High expectations may reduce impact. With high expectations, perceiving a sacrifice did not increase gratitude or satisfaction, as the behavior was seen as normal or expected.

Simply speaking, sacrifices are most impactful when they exceed the receiver’s expectations, as it creates a pleasant surprise. Essentially, appreciation depends not just on the act itself, but on how the observing partner interprets the sacrifice.

However, expectations aren’t necessarily a dial you can crank up or down on command. That said, there are a couple things you can do that slowly unravel their grip on your relationship.

Specifically, you can start off by shifting focus from your “standard” to their intention. That is, instead of constantly comparing your partner’s actions to a fixed expectation or checklist, try to notice what they were trying to do or accomplish through their effort.

For example, you might assume your partner should always plan weekend activities or handle certain chores, but instead, they surprise you by taking care of errands, making a thoughtful meal or even handling a task that you’d usually do.

While you should certainly communicate your needs and wants to your partner honestly, it is just as important to remember that appreciating the ways your partner shows love (even if it’s different from what you expected) is still valuable. This way, you create space for pleasant surprises and deepen connection, rather than getting stuck on rigid expectations.

You can also try approaching love through curiosity, instead of a gradecard. Rather than judging or evaluating a partner’s actions or thinking, “Is this enough?” try asking yourself, “What is my partner trying to show me here?” This mindset can encourage understanding and recognition of subtle acts of care that might otherwise go unnoticed. Curiosity is what shifts your focus from criticism to connection.

Ultimately, sacrifices in a relationship cannot exist as one-sided efforts. It’s not just about giving, but about creating a shared awareness where each act of care is recognized and reciprocated. The idea is to transform everyday gestures into mutual expressions of love and connection.

Every act of care matters. Learn how you and your partner give and receive love. Take this science-backed test to find out your love language: Love Language Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes, here.