2 Compliments That Come With Strings Attached

Some compliments affirm who you are, while others pressure you to stay who someone wants you to be.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | May 23, 2025

Compliments can be disarming. They make us feel chosen and understood in ways words rarely do. But sometimes, the praise that feels the most flattering is also the praise that teaches us to edit ourselves.

In certain relationships, compliments don't just affirm, they also secretly instruct. They reward the parts of you that are most convenient, most regulated or least disruptive. And without realizing it, you begin to shape yourself around someone else's comfort. Over time, what felt like love starts to feel like performance.

This isn't always intentional or malicious, in fact, these compliments are usually subtle and subconscious. But repeated reinforcement of selective traits such as composure, availability or selflessness, can lead to a gradual erosion of authenticity.

Here are two compliments that seem generous on the surface, but may carry unspoken terms that could be conditioning you to stay small in order to stay loved.

1. 'How Are You Always So Calm?'

This is praise that can be used to reward emotional silence, not emotional strength. At first, it may sound like a genuine compliment, painting you as emotionally mature, unshakeable and the kind of person who rises above conflict. For those who've spent years being the peacekeeper — especially in families marked by volatility — this can feel like long-awaited recognition.

However, there are moments where someone praising your calmness is less about your inner resilience and more about their own comfort. They may not be celebrating your emotional health. Instead, they might just have been relieved you didn't have an emotional reaction, even if it was warranted in the scenario.

Your stillness doesn't challenge, confront or disrupt anything, and you were rewarded for it. And so, consciously or not, you may feel implicitly incentivized to perform that calmness even when you're hurting. Because now, being "the calm one" feels like your relational value.

This kind of compliment may reinforce a deeper pattern rooted in childhood or adolescent socialization, especially for women and girls. A 2008 qualitative research project by Cheryl van Daalen-Smith illustrates this phenomenon by offering a window into young girls' lives through the eyes of a school nurse.

The findings confirm what we might already know about the female journey when it comes to authentic emotional expression:

"Experiences of disrespect, dismissal, denied agency, and a denial of the right to verbalize anger eventually led to self-silencing and an eventual disconnect from this important emotion."

Rather than learning to regulate their emotions, many girls learn to erase them — developing a sort of ultra-adaptive strategy, much like a chameleon adapting to its environment, in Daalen-Smith's own words. Their calmness is not necessarily a reflection of peace, but of their survival instinct.

When such emotional suppression is later praised in adult relationships, it reinforces the message that your worth lies in being agreeable and low maintenance. You may begin to perform calmness, even in moments of deep hurt, because that role has been rewarded.

But when calmness is no longer a choice, it can become a form of self-abandonment.

So ask yourself: "Is my calmness authentic, or is it a mask I've learned to wear to keep others regulated and myself accepted?"

Remember, true emotional strength doesn't mean the absence of emotion. It means the freedom to feel and express your full emotional range, without fear of losing connection.

2. 'You're The Only Person I Can Talk To'

This is a compliment that pedestalizes your empathy while quietly making you responsible for someone else's emotional regulation. At first, this may feel like the highest form of trust. You're the chosen one — the person they finally feel safe enough to open up to. But beneath the surface, this statement may be less about connection and more about emotional dependency.

A 2014 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science, conducted on "emotionships," characterized by emotion-specific support relationships, reveals that people experience better mental health when they turn to different individuals for different emotional needs.

One friend may be the person you vent to when you're angry. Another may know just how to calm your anxiety. This diversity in emotional support leads to greater well-being, because no single relationship is overloaded with the task of holding it all.

When someone declares that you are the only person they can talk to, it disrupts that healthy balance. It places you at the center of their emotional regulation system, creating an unspoken pressure to be endlessly available, attuned and responsive. What starts as flattery can quickly turn into emotional obligation.

This kind of dynamic might be used to target individuals with people-pleasing tendencies or a history of caretaking. You feel needed, perhaps even indispensable. But over time, that sense of being essential can erode your boundaries and drain your emotional reserves. You stop asking yourself what you need — because someone else's feelings always seem more urgent.

Instead of creating true intimacy, this type of compliment can breed emotional enmeshment; a blurring of responsibility where your support becomes their lifeline. So before you absorb the praise, pause and ask: "Am I being appreciated for who I am, or are they just making sure that I'm perennially available for their emotional needs?"

Real closeness doesn't mean being someone's only safe space. It means being one part of a healthy, interdependent emotional landscape.

How To Actually Tell If A Compliment Is A Condition

When someone praises you, it's natural to feel good. But not all compliments come without strings. Sometimes, praise isn't about seeing you, it's about shaping you.Here's how to tell when a compliment is quietly conditioning you rather than celebrating your wholeness:

1. Pay attention to what part of you is being celebrated. Are you praised for being "so calm," "always there" or "never complaining"? Those might sound positive, but they often highlight traits that make life easier for others, not necessarily fuller for you. If you're rarely praised for your honesty or your boundaries, you might be getting approval, not acceptance. You can also try making a list of the compliments you get most often. Then next to each, write down what it costs you to keep being that way. If you are constantly giving more than you receive, then the praise coming your way might be bait, disguised as a gift.

2. Look for the invisible rule. Some praise comes with hidden expectations:

• "You're so easygoing" could mean "Don't start speaking up"
• "You're the only one who gets me" could mean "Always be available to regulate me"
• "You're always strong" could mean "Don't ever fall apart"

If it feels like you have to keep showing up in that exact way to stay loved, it's not a compliment — it's a contract. So, ask yourself: What if you stopped being this way? Would their affection still be the same or would something significant shift?

3. Notice how you feel after the praise. Do you feel seen, or do you feel boxed in? If you find yourself constantly editing what you say, hiding your needs or performing a personality trait to keep someone comfortable, the compliment has become a cage.

Check in with yourself after a compliment: "Do I feel freer or more restricted?", "Can I be myself without having to be someone's full time emotional manager?"

4. Investigate which parts of you don't feel safe to bring up. In healthy dynamics, the praise doesn't just land on your productivity, patience or perfection. It makes space for your fatigue, your limits, your changes — your humanness.

Try to complete the sentence for yourself:

"Around this person, I don't feel like I can ___."

The answer will tell you whether you're being celebrated or simply tolerated. Remember, the most dangerous red flags aren't always loud or aggressive. Sometimes, they're wrapped in kindness. They sound like admiration but teach you to stay small.

You deserve relationships where your growth isn't threatening and where your changing needs don't cost you your value or desirability — where being yourself doesn't feel like a performance review. Because the right people won't just compliment you for being good at disappearing. They'll respect you for showing up fully, messily and honestly.

Can you bring your authentic self to your relationships? Take the science-backed Authenticity In Relationships Scale to find out.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.