1 Skill You Need To Keep Your Sex Life Alive And Kicking

Suffering from a dead bedroom? Here's how mastering 'sexual autonomy support' can bring it back to life.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | December 03, 2024

A "dead bedroom" or a lack of sexual intimacy can be deeply upsetting and frustrating, leaving partners feeling disconnected, undesirable and unsure about the future of their relationship.

However, a new study published this September in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletinsuggests that a powerful way to keep your sex life alive and kicking is "sexual autonomy support," which refers to the perception that your partner genuinely values and supports your individual sexual preferences and interests, encouraging you to express yourself freely in the bedroom.

"Self-determination theory suggests that perceiving a partner as autonomously supportive—feeling that a partner acknowledges their perspective, provides choice and options and encourages self-initiation—can promote need fulfillment within relationships," the researchers explain.

Researchers found that perceiving such support from your partner is associated with greater sexual need fulfillment, sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction for both partners.

Here are two signs that your partner offers such support and helps keep the spark alive, according to the study.

1. Your Partner Is Responsive To Your Needs In Bed

Couples are more likely to experience a fulfilling sex life when both partners feel comfortable to explore their desires and communicate openly about them, without fear of judgment or rejection.

When a partner truly listens to how you view sex or what you'd like to explore with them, they create an environment of trust and emotional safety. This sense of being "sexually understood" can enhance both emotional and physical intimacy, making it easier to continue opening up about your desires and boundaries.

"People may feel empowered to assert their own needs when they notice a partner encouraging them to express and pursue their sexual interests and desires," the researchers explain. For instance, if one partner has a fantasy they want to enact, a sexually responsive partner would not only listen but also encourage further discussion, offering reassurance that their desires are important.

Researchers also suggest that when people feel autonomously supported in their sexual relationships, they experience greater confidence, freedom and connection, which significantly contributes to sexual satisfaction and relationship happiness.

Additionally, when a partner expresses faith in your ability to connect and satisfy each other, it boosts self-assurance and reduces performance-related anxieties that can sometimes inhibit sexual spontaneity.

2. Your Partner Encourages Sexual Expression

Autonomy-supportive partners make space for your sexual interests and desires to flourish. People who experience high levels of sexual autonomy also tend to engage in sexual activities for more self-determined reasons, focusing on mutual pleasure and intimacy rather than external pressures or unspoken obligations. This can be empowering, leading you to explore what feels right for you without worry.

Another reason why sexual autonomy support is so impactful is that it empowers individuals to be their authentic selves. In many relationships, especially long-term ones, partners may struggle to express their changing desires or preferences. Over time, this can lead to suppressed feelings, unmet needs and ultimately, a dead bedroom.

In contrast, encouraging a partner to openly express their preferences, ask questions and set boundaries reflects a high level of autonomy support. Such partners will invite questions and discussions about your shared sexual experiences and encourage you to voice your thoughts and needs. For instance, a supportive partner might say, "I want to know what makes you feel good in bed, and tell me if there's anything new you'd like to try together."

"People who perceive their partner as autonomously supportive in the sexual domain are likely to provide sexual autonomy support in return, reflecting a dyadic process through which partners benefit from supporting each other's sexual needs," the researchers add.

Here are a few ways to better support each other's sexual autonomy.

• Encourage open dialogue. Make a habit of discussing your needs and preferences regularly, asking open-ended questions and actively listening to each other's responses. Research shows that discussing sexual preferences enhances your partner's understanding of them, which leads to a more rewarding sexual experience.
• Respect sexual choices and boundaries. Rather than assuming preferences or feeling pressured to conform to societal expectations, offer choices in the bedroom, while respecting each other's limits. This encourages each partner to act on what feels true to them.
• Celebrate each other's unique desires. Show appreciation for your partner's willingness to express themselves and try new things. This enhances their sense of ease and confidence, strengthening your connection.

Encouraging a partner to tap into their sexual preferences is a powerful way of showing love, respect and acceptance. By embracing this crucial skill, couples can create a space where each partner feels empowered to express their authentic self. This creates a lasting connection where intimacy thrives—both inside and outside the bedroom.

Curious about how sexually satisfying your relationship is? Take this test to find out: Sexual Satisfaction Index

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.