Why We Overthink Saying 'No'—And Why We Shouldn't

New research reveals why you should never be afraid to say 'no' to someone else.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | October 14, 2024

Imagine, for instance, that you're texting a friend, and they invite you out for coffee tomorrow morning. Now, also imagine that tomorrow was the day you'd planned to have some uninterrupted you-time—no plans, no people, just a day to yourself. Would you decline the invitation or accept it?

If you were to accept the invitation, even begrudgingly, you're certainly not alone. In fact, 77% of people fear rejecting others out of sheer worry about potential negative ramifications—according to a September 2024 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. But the study's findings suggest that this fear may be largely unwarranted.

Here's why, according to psychological research, saying "no" is nothing to be scared of.

How Rejection Was Measured

Lead authors of the study, Julian Givi and Colleen Kirk, sought to understand why so many people hesitate to decline invitations. In their words, they hypothesized that, likely, "invitees—those who are invited by someone to do something—overestimate how negatively inviters—those who extend the invitation—react to invitation declines."

To test this hypothesis, they conducted five separate experiments. In the first, participants were asked to imagine that they were either inviting someone or being invited on a trip to a museum. Then, they were asked to imagine the negative consequences of declining the invitation—or having their invitation declined.

While the first study was purely hypothetical, the second involved real-life rejection. Romantic partners were assigned as either inviters or invitees. Inviters were required to ask their partner to do something with them, and the invitees were instructed to decline said offer—by saying something along the lines of "I just want to stay home and relax."

The third, fourth and fifth studies simulated similar conditions, but with a few twists—participants were asked to imagine their real-life friends, observers were included, and participants switched between the roles of inviter and invitee. After each experiment, Givi and Kirk analyzed the discrepancies between what the participants imagined the negative ramifications of rejecting the invite would be, versus the reality.

Why We're Hesitant To Decline Invites

In terms of fear, Givi and Kirk hypothesized various reasons as to why we so deeply fear saying "no" to others—all of which were reflected in their research findings. These reasons include:

• Fearing that the inviter may be angry. We often worry that people will resent us for rejecting an invitation—whether it's because they put effort into organizing it, or simply because they feel hurt by the rejection.
• Fearing that the inviter assumes we think less of them. Another common fear is that friends or family will assume we don't care about them if we turn down their invitation; despite this almost never being the case, it can still strongly deter us from saying "no."
• Fearing that we might not be invited again. We may even fear that declining one offer may ruin our chances of ever being asked to do something fun again. It's a catastrophic thought, but it's also intuitive; we don't want to be seen as the person who's never available and, in turn, become the person who's never invited out.

As Givi and Kirk explain in their study, "Questions like these run through our head, making it challenging to turn down invitations." They continue, "In some cases, we even end up accepting invitations that we would rather decline, due to these concerns." However, each of their five experiments' results suggest that these fears lack almost any basis in reality.

Why There's No Need To Fear Saying 'No'

Across all five studies, one consistent finding emerged: we significantly overestimate how negatively inviters will react when we say "no." In other words, we're far more concerned about declining than those on the receiving end are about being turned down. This tendency to overthink is something many of us are guilty of—even the researchers themselves.

In an interview with PsyPost, Givi shared a personal experience that sparked his interest in the research: "I was invited to a wedding that was a bit of a hassle to go to (it was far away and my significant other could not come)." Despite his hesitations, he went because he was worried the couple would be upset if he didn't attend. He admitted, "I wondered if I was possibly overblowing just how upset they would be by me not attending." His research confirmed that he, like many of us, was indeed overblowing the potential impact of his decision.

Givi and Kirk attribute this overestimation of negative outcomes to cognitive bias—more specifically, the tendency to give more weight to our own overthinking than to the actual thoughts of others. We often worry that the inviter will fixate on the fact that we said "no," when in reality, they're much more likely to focus on our reasons for declining—as opposed to the rejection itself.

These findings offer hope to those who struggle with people-pleasing. As Givi explains, "Inviters are more understanding than we might expect." In other words, it's perfectly okay to say "no" from time to time—most especially when you need to prioritize yourself. After all, if you were the one extending the invitation, you'd likely be understanding if someone turned you down. So why not extend that same courtesy to yourself?

It takes empathy to face rejection with understanding. Take this science-backed test, and see how you compare to others: Cognitive Empathy Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.