Is 'Good-Enough Love' Good Enough For You?

Romantic perfection is a mirage. Here's how to aim for a sustainable relationship instead.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | January 21, 2024

In the quest for love and partnership, we often end up chasing after the elusive perfect match—someone who aligns seamlessly with our ideals and triggers intense passion. 

Introduced by renowned psychologist and relationship researcher John Gottman, the idea of a “good enough” relationship challenges the notion of perfection and suggests that lasting love is about maintaining a balance of realistic expectations, authentic connection and a commitment to mutual growth. This perspective flips the script on the widely held belief that flawless relationships are the ultimate goal.

“Good enough” relationships, despite their imperfections, often outlast seemingly flawless unions glorified by society. Here are three reasons why you should aim for “good enough” relationships and steps you can take toward creating one. 

1. Keeping It Real Leads To Lasting Happiness

Exceptionally high standards can be detrimental for the health of a relationship in the long run. According to a study published in Personal Relationships, holding unrealistic or lofty standards for a marriage partner may lead to a tendency to delay or forgo marriage. Individuals with unrealistic standards also face greater challenges in establishing high-quality romantic relationships, express lower expectations of marrying their current partner and exhibit lower levels of psychological and behavioral investment in the prospect of marriage.

While it is crucial not to settle for being treated poorly, it is essential to understand that a good enough relationship does not support the idea of lowering expectations to avoid disappointment. 

A “good enough” relationship involves being treated with respect, love and affection. Couples in such relationships recognize that occasional disappointments are inevitable, and consider their combined conflict resolution skills to be the relationship’s defining strength. By maintaining reasonable expectations, individuals set the stage for a partnership where both parties feel valued and understood.

To achieve this:

• Foster open and honest communication to ensure a clear understanding of each other’s expectations, leading to a sense of transparency and trust. 
• Polish your indispensable conflict resolution skills to navigate disagreements constructively, averting the accumulation of lingering resentments that can erode the relationship over time. 

2. Passion Invigorates, Friendship Sustains

While many concentrate on the initial stages of falling in love, fueled by attraction and shared interests, John Gottman proposes that true love encompasses more profound sentiments. In his “Sound Relationship House” theory, he asserts that couples in “good enough” relationships establish a foundation of intimacy and friendship. 

Research too underlines the significance of valuing the friendship aspect of romance as a predictor of positive concurrent romantic qualities like love, sexual gratification and commitment. 

These essential ingredients act as slow-release agents that show their efficacy and impact over the course of a long-term relationship. Components of the “Sound Relationship House” theory provide a guide to fortify the foundation of intimacy through:

• Building love maps. Delve into your partner’s inner world, comprehending them in depth.
• Sharing fondness and admiration. Express appreciation and respect to counteract contempt.
• Turning towards instead of away. Acknowledge and respond to your partner’s bids for connection in your daily interactions.
• Maintaining a positive perspective. Adopt a constructive problem-solving approach, recognizing the success of repair attempts.
• Managing conflict. Address both solvable and perpetual problems, acknowledging the natural existence of conflict.
• Making life dreams come true. Foster an environment encouraging open communication about personal hopes, values, convictions and aspirations.
• Creating shared meaning. Understand and embrace important visions, narratives, myths and metaphors within the relationship.

3. Reliability Fuels Romance

Falling in love marks only the initial phase; the true test of a relationship’s mettle lies in the couple’s ability to construct and sustain trust and commitment. Couples in “good enough” relationships understand that love, to endure, must rely on intentional effort to create shared meaning and purpose. It requires ongoing dedication beyond the euphoria of the early stages. 

To actively cultivate this enduring connection, prioritizing trust-building activities becomes paramount.

• Initiate by exemplifying trust-building behaviors. Be reliable by consistently fulfilling promises, practice transparency through open communication and offer support during tough times by demonstrating empathy, understanding and standing by each other when needed.
• Establishing shared life goals, whether financial or career aspirations. This collaborative effort deepens commitment and infuses the relationship with a profound sense of purpose. The progress made leads to a shared sense of accomplishment, creating a narrative that binds a couple together and enhances the overall quality and longevity of the relationship.

Conclusion

In the realm of romantic relationships, the pursuit of perfection may lead to unrealistic expectations and eventual disappointment. However, embracing the concept of a “good enough” relationship, characterized by elements like respect, love, intimacy and friendship, provides a practical roadmap to lasting happiness.

If you’re unsure whether your relationship passes the “good enough” test, take this psychological assessment to gain clarity: Relationship Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.