a man and a woman walking down a road holding hands by Adam Davis

A Psychologist Reveals The Most Overlooked Relationship Skill

True intimacy happens when both people stand on their own, together. Here's how emotional sovereignty makes that possible.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | July 17, 2025

Ask any couple what makes a relationship work, and you'll likely hear the usual suspects: good communication, shared values, physical intimacy, maybe even laughter. But there's one emotional skill that rarely makes it to the list, and yet, it quietly determines whether a relationship thrives or simply survives.

That skill is "emotional sovereignty."

It's not at all flashy. But once a couple begins to practice it, everything changes. From how they argue, to how they reconnect, to how safe they feel in each other's presence.

What Exactly Is Emotional Sovereignty?

According to psychologist and emotional intelligence researcher Emma Seppälä, people with high emotional intelligence tend to possess a crucial skill she calls "emotional sovereignty." This means they've learned to move through their emotions with clarity and steadiness, instead of avoiding, suppressing, numbing or getting stuck in them.

In relationships, emotional sovereignty shows up as the ability to hold your emotional center, without outsourcing your mood, your triggers or your sense of worth to your partner. It's a quiet inner confidence that says:

"I can hold space for my emotions without blaming you."
"I can feel discomfort without needing you to fix it."
"I can love you deeply without losing myself."

Emotional sovereignty, in short, is your ability to take responsibility for your own emotional state.

Why Is It So Overlooked?

Because it's invisible.

Unlike communication skills, which show up in conversations, or acts of service, which show up in action, emotional sovereignty is internal. It's the pause before the reaction. The decision to self-reflect before lashing out. The discipline to own your emotional waves rather than drown your partner in them.

Even couples who are intelligent, caring and committed often keep looping through the same arguments. Why? Because underneath the conflict lies an unspoken assumption: "You're responsible for how I feel."

And that belief is where emotional sovereignty would make all the difference.

What Changes When Couples Practice Emotional Sovereignty?

1. Conflict becomes less explosive. Instead of "You made me feel abandoned," it becomes "When that happened, I felt abandoned, and I want to understand it better." That small shift in language ( "you" versus "I" language) reflects a huge shift in ownership — Blame dissolves. Curiosity takes its place.

But the impact goes beyond the usual advice of avoiding blame. In fact, research shows that the power of "I-statements" lies less in making your partner feel better, and more in how they help you show up differently.

Using "I-language" supports emotional regulation, reduces your own defensiveness and signals a willingness to engage rather than attack. That internal shift can make conflict feel less explosive and more constructive.

2. There's more room for honesty. When we don't fear our partner's emotional volatility or our own, we're more likely to speak honestly. We can say hard things gently, and we can hear hard things without defense.

According to a study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, when individuals feel supported in their autonomy, that is, when their thoughts, feelings and choices are respected, they experience greater emotional security, stronger attachment and deeper relationship satisfaction. These are exactly the conditions that make honesty possible.

When your partner creates space for you to be fully yourself, without trying to fix, control or dismiss your experience, you feel freer to speak your truth. And interestingly, the study also shows that offering this kind of support (not just receiving it) enhances the giver's sense of closeness and well-being, too.

3. Support feels like a choice, not a burden. When each person can self-regulate, offering support becomes generous rather than obligatory. You're helping because you want to, not because you're afraid of emotional fallout if you don't.

A 2020 study published in the American Journal of Family Therapy shows that individuals who are more emotionally differentiated — those who can stay connected to others without losing their own emotional clarity — are better at regulating their emotions and experience lower levels of anxiety.

This emotional steadiness means they're less likely to depend on their partner to "fix" their feelings or react out of fear or guilt.

In a relationship where both people are well-differentiated, support isn't driven by pressure or emotional fusion. Instead, it's offered freely, from a place of emotional balance. That's what transforms support from a survival strategy into a genuine, caring choice.

In essence, when both partners practice emotional sovereignty, the relationship becomes a safer space for growth. The more we take responsibility for our own emotional world, the more secure the bond becomes. Your partner no longer has to walk on eggshells, fear emotional fallout or carry the burden of your self-regulation. And you no longer have to fear theirs.

This stability invites vulnerability and makes room for deeper conversations. It anchors partners, allowing each person to be fully themselves, while still deeply connected. And that's the foundation on which real intimacy is built.

How To Start Practicing Emotional Sovereignty

Most of us weren't taught this growing up. We saw adults either suppress emotions or hand them over for others to manage. Many of us learned to either avoid feeling deeply, or to feel everything loudly and expect someone else to help us contain it.

Practicing true emotional sovereignty requires:

Pausing before reacting
Sitting with discomfort
Naming feelings without assigning blame
Asking for support without emotional manipulation

So, if you're wondering how to build emotional sovereignty practically, try to:

Lead with the feeling, not the accusation. Before telling yourself (or your partner) a story like "You don't care," pause and ask, "What am I actually feeling?" Try: "I'm feeling dismissed," or "I'm feeling overlooked." Clarity defuses blame.
Ask: What part of this is mine to hold? Not every uncomfortable feeling needs to be handed to your partner. Take a breath and sort it out. Think: "Is this an old wound resurfacing?" Could this be a stressor from outside the relationship? Own what's yours before asking for support.
Express needs, not ultimatums. Instead of "You need to stop ignoring me," say, "I'm feeling overwhelmed, could I take a few minutes to regroup?" When you communicate from the inside-out, your partner is more likely to meet you where you are.
Don't emotionally mirror by default. Just because your partner is spiraling doesn't mean you have to spiral too. And if they're emotionally shut down, you don't need to over-function to compensate. Hold your ground. That's sovereignty in action.
Keep reminding yourself: autonomy creates connection. The more emotionally responsible you are, the safer you become for your partner. Because you always know how to find your center again.

Every couple needs shared goals, kind communication and physical closeness. But none of that will hold if both partners are constantly riding each other's emotional waves without a life vest. Emotional sovereignty is that life vest.

It doesn't mean doing it all alone. It means knowing where "you" ends and "we" begins.

Wondering if you have the emotional sovereignty that would change your relationship for the better? Take the science-backed Emotional Quotient Inventory to find out.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.