A Psychologist Explains How The 'Empathy Paradox' Is Working Against You

You don't have to choose between being compassionate and protecting yourself. Here's how to spot when empathy is quietly backfiring.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | August 21, 2025

Not everyone experiences empathy in the same way or to the same degree. For some, tuning into other people's feelings is almost automatic or natural, like a reflex. For others, it's more like a skill that has to be consciously practiced and sometimes, it's possible that it doesn't develop much at all.

Even if empathy comes naturally to you, it can fade or be withheld in certain situations, often without you realizing it. In a 2025 study published in The Journal of Social Psychology, researchers set out to understand the reasons behind this paradox.

To explore this, participants were placed in situations where they had the opportunity to connect with others emotionally. The researchers then tracked how they approached or avoided these moments.

By looking closely at how people navigated these decisions in real time, the study shed light on the subtle mental trade-offs that can influence whether empathy comes to the surface or stays tucked away.

Based on the research findings, here are three ways your brain might be keeping you from engaging with empathy.

1. Emotional Overwhelm Can Reduce Empathy

While empathy is widely seen as a moral duty and a cornerstone of close relationships, it's not always automatic. You may have noticed that it's harder to be compassionate when you're already running on empty.

Sometimes, another person's sadness can feel less like a means of connection and more like a weight threatening to pull you under. This isn't about being cold or selfish. In many situations, it's your brain stepping in to prioritize your own stability.

You may not always extend empathy in every situation that demands you to. Sometimes, you may unconsciously choose not to when you expect it might come at a personal cost.

This was clear in the findings of the 2025 study. In the series of experiments, participants were given opportunities to empathize with others in need. Interestingly enough, many opted out when they believed doing so would be emotionally draining, time-consuming or lead to uncomfortable obligations.

Let the awareness of this natural limitation help you be kinder to yourself when empathy feels challenging. This just reiterates a well-known fact — that you cannot pour from an empty cup. If your own emotional resources are depleted, your ability to truly connect with others will be limited.

Honoring your own need for rest and self-care helps sustain empathy in the long run. Recognizing when you're running low can serve as a reminder to choose to recharge first. So, when you do show up for others, you do so with genuine presence and compassion.

2. Your Brain Calculates The 'Opportunity Cost' Of Empathy

Empathy often competes with other demands on your time, energy and attention. It doesn't just exist in a vacuum. This is exactly why your brain constantly weighs these competing priorities. It considers empathy as a choice that comes with hidden costs.

This mental calculation of "opportunity cost" means that when empathy threatens to interfere with something you value, such as your goals, work or personal downtime, your brain may downregulate your emotional response to protect your resources.

This was demonstrated in the 2025 study, where participants showed less empathy toward friends in situations when engaging empathically was perceived to block valuable opportunities.

For instance, if helping a friend emotionally might mean that you have to sacrifice time that could be spent on an important task or personal goal, it's possible you might be less likely to offer your full empathic attention.

Additionally, researchers found that not only did empathic feelings decrease in these participants, but they also consciously allocated less time to be with those friends. This highlights how the brain's cost-benefit analysis extended beyond feelings and translated into concrete behavior.

The takeaway here is not that empathy is always a burden. Instead, these findings suggest that being mindful of when you might be unconsciously minimizing empathy due to competing priorities can help you find a healthier balance.

One way to handle this is to be intentional about when you choose to show up empathetically. When you genuinely want to be there for someone, you can give them your full presence and attention by showing up with your whole heart.

At the same time, you can build the habit of honoring your own needs and priorities by setting boundaries around when to focus on your goals. It's about trusting yourself to prioritize effectively so empathy doesn't become a source of overwhelm or guilt but something you offer fully when it truly matters.

Learning How To Find A Balance

Empathy is often seen as a boundless gift or something that can be offered endlessly. But the truth is more nuanced. Your brain's natural tendency to protect your emotional well-being by limiting empathy when it feels too costly does not make you a bad person.

Empathy is not an infinite resource. In life, you inevitably have to choose where to invest your emotional energy. Know that this discernment isn't about keeping others at arm's length or being selfish. This knowing can help you recognize your limits so you can truly be there for the people who matter most.

Think about your closest friends or family members; when you're with them, you want to be fully present, not distracted or drained.

When you spread yourself too thin by being emotionally available to everyone, it can leave you exhausted and disconnected. You simply can't be there for people all the time without losing your own balance.

A powerful way to honor empathy is by choosing wisely who you show up for and when.

When you do decide to step back, allow yourself the space to recharge with the knowing that this cycle of giving and resting is what keeps empathy genuine and sustainable.

Embracing this balance can help you transform empathy from a vague expectation into a meaningful practice that nurtures deep and authentic connections without burning you out.

Curious how true of an empath you are? Take the science-backed Affective Empathy Scale to find out.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.