A Psychologist Explains 'Floodlighting'—The New Gen Z Dating Trend

The term 'floodlighting' captures an increasingly common issue in romantic relationships: coercive oversharing.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | March 20, 2025

Floodlighting is the latest dating trend making waves on TikTok, where people share deeply personal or emotional details too soon in a relationship, often in an attempt to accelerate intimacy.

Originally coined by Brené Brown, floodlighting refers to overwhelming someone with vulnerability in a way that feels more like a test rather than an attempt at genuine connection. While it may seem like a way to fast-track closeness, it can actually push people away.

Here are three signs you may be floodlighting and how to stop.

1. You Immediately Overshare Personal Traumas

Floodlighting often comes from an honest desire for connection but can backfire. Imagine going on a first date where "the spark" feels instant—they laugh at your jokes, their eyes brighten when they see you and by the third drink, the conversation is flowing effortlessly. They seem open and accepting, so you think, "Why not?"

One moment, you're sharing a lighthearted story about tripping in front of your class. The next, you're diving into the bullying that followed, detailing painful memories your date wasn't quite prepared to hear.

If you find yourself constantly sharing deeply personal stories—past breakups, childhood trauma or mental health struggles—within the first conversation, you might be floodlighting.

Some people floodlight because they mistakenly believe that such vulnerability creates instant intimacy. Instead of strengthening bonds, oversharing can make the other person take a step back, creating emotional distance rather than closeness.

A 2022 study published in Psychological Reports found that anxiety, attention-seeking and social media addiction were significantly associated with excessive oversharing online among adolescents. While this study focuses on digital self-disclosure, it highlights the role of underlying emotional needs—such as a desire for validation or difficulty regulating boundaries—in shaping oversharing behaviors.

Vulnerability is valuable in relationships, but timing matters. Pause, reflect and choose gradual disclosure. Before sharing something deeply personal, ask yourself:

• Why am I sharing this right now?
• Is this the right moment in our connection for this level of openness?
• Am I expecting something specific in return, such as validation or reassurance?

Additionally, floodlighting isn't just about what is shared—it's also about what is expected in return. Many people who floodlight don't just open up; they unconsciously wait for the other person to match their level of vulnerability.

2. You Expect Instant Emotional Reciprocity

Opening up in a new relationship should be a mutual process unfolding gradually as trust develops. But when someone floodlights, they often anticipate immediate emotional reciprocity—expecting their date to share their own deep vulnerabilities in return.

Imagine pouring your heart out to your date, so engrossed in recounting a personal story that you fail to notice their silence. When you finally look up, expecting understanding and empathy, you're instead met with confusion, discomfort or even indifference.

You assumed that by being open, they would do the same. But instead of feeling connected, you're now stuck in an awkward silence. The moment that felt lighthearted and enjoyable just minutes ago now feels tense and unfamiliar. You feel exposed—maybe even betrayed. Meanwhile, your date isn't sure how to respond.

According to "social penetration theory," relationships develop through gradual layers of self-disclosure, often compared to peeling an onion. Intimacy deepens slowly over time, beginning with more superficial details, then progressing to personal attitudes and eventually leading to deeper emotions and experiences.

Floodlighting disrupts this natural relational progression by pushing too much emotional depth too soon, which can:

• Create an unbalanced dynamic where one person overshares while the other feels pressured to reciprocate.
• Result in a false sense of intimacy, as deep disclosures without foundational trust can make the relationship feel closer than it actually is.

So, it's important to give others the space to open up naturally. Instead of diving into heavy topics early on, build emotional intimacy over time. Here's how you can do that in practice:

• Match the depth of the conversation. If your date shares light, fun stories, do the same instead of shifting to serious topics too soon.
• Follow the "three-date rule" for deeper disclosure. Save discussions about past trauma or vulnerabilities for when you've had at least a few interactions and mutual trust has formed.
• Ask open-ended but lighthearted questions. Instead of "What's your biggest fear?" try "What's something surprising about you that most people don't know?" This keeps the conversation engaging without emotional overload.
• Pay attention to verbal and nonverbal cues. If your date seems withdrawn or hesitant, slow down. Let them take the lead in how much they want to share.

This way, emotional intimacy develops naturally rather than forcefully, leading to more balanced, healthy connections. Even if floodlighting isn't met with immediate acceptance, you might find yourself continuing to share—testing whether the other person will truly accept all parts of you.

3. You Use Vulnerability To Test Acceptance

Vulnerability is a powerful tool for connection, but when it's used to test whether someone will accept you, it can create unintended emotional pressure. Instead of encouraging genuine intimacy, oversharing too soon can become a defense mechanism—one that covertly seeks reassurance rather than connection.

Imagine you've been talking to someone new for a while, and they seem perfect—checking all the boxes and green flags you've been looking for. You're excited for your first date, but a nagging doubt lingers, "What if they don't like you as much as you like them?" To ease the uncertainty, you test the waters.

You start small—sharing something light, something safe. They respond in kind. Encouraged, you go deeper. They reciprocate again. Then, you take the plunge—sharing something truly personal. You convince yourself, "If they're the right person, they'll understand, won't they?"

But their reaction isn't what you expected. Instead of acceptance, there's hesitation, discomfort—maybe even withdrawal. And just like that, you convince yourself it's over before it even begins.

A study published in Emotion Review suggests that emotional coregulation—where partners mutually influence and stabilize each other's emotions—is a key factor in maintaining healthy relationships. When vulnerability is shared too soon as a test, it can disrupt emotional balance by placing too much weight on the other person's reaction rather than allowing intimacy to develop naturally.

Build self-acceptance first, rather than seeking validation externally. Here's how:

• Build self-awareness. Ask yourself, "Am I sharing to connect or to test their reaction?" This awareness can help you distinguish authentic vulnerability from validation-seeking disclosure.
• Practice self-validation. Before seeking reassurance from someone new, affirm your own worth—through journaling, self-reflection or therapy.
• Create emotional safety within yourself. Instead of relying on a date's response to feel okay, remind yourself that you are worthy regardless of their reaction.

By cultivating self-acceptance, you remove the need for external validation—allowing your relationships to grow from a place of confidence and mutual connection rather than uncertainty and fear of rejection.

Seeking depth in conversation isn't a bad thing—in fact, it can be a sign of emotional intelligence and a desire for meaningful connection. If you naturally gravitate toward deep topics rather than more surface-level small talk, that's perfectly valid. Talking about real things—your passions, struggles and life experiences—is what fosters authentic relationships. However, it's important to be mindful of your intentions and timing.

Remember, floodlighting isn't a shortcut to intimacy—it's often a gamble with emotional exposure. True connection isn't about testing who can handle you but about having the courage to be patient. Trust that real intimacy unfolds in its own time.

Wondering if your relationship is built on genuine connection or emotional pressure? Take this science-backed quiz to assess your emotional dynamics: Relationship Satisfaction Scale.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.