5 Ways That Love Can Change Our Personalities

Research shows that love can shape more than just your heart.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | March 26, 2024

Love has the power to uplift, inspire and deeply affect us. It can act as a catalyst for growth, pushing us to confront our fears, vulnerabilities and insecurities. It fosters empathy, communication skills and emotional resilience—all of which are fundamental aspects of personality.

On the other hand, facing rejection or the loss of love can be a debilitating experience. So, can love truly alter our personalities in lasting ways? Researchers have studied its impact on the following five personality traits:

1. Openness to Experience. This trait reflects the extent to which a person is open-minded, imaginative, curious and receptive to new ideas and experiences.
2. Conscientiousness. Conscientiousness refers to the degree of organization, responsibility, self-discipline and reliability in a person's behavior. Individuals high in conscientiousness are typically organized, dependable and goal-oriented.
3. Extraversion. Extraversion reflects the degree to which a person is outgoing, sociable, assertive and energetic in social situations.
4. Agreeableness. Agreeableness refers to the tendency to be compassionate, cooperative, trusting and empathetic towards others. Individuals high in agreeableness are typically warm, considerate and accommodating.
5. Neuroticism. Neuroticism reflects the degree of emotional instability, anxiety, depression and moodiness in a person's temperament.

Here are three love-related milestones that influence these personality traits over time, according to research.

1. Falling In Love

Research shows that experiencing your first love or entering a new relationship is associated with greater emotional stability, extraversion, conscientiousness and self-esteem. However, it can also decrease one's sense of openness.

The beginning stages of a romantic relationship often involve feelings of validation, acceptance and emotional security. Being in a loving relationship can boost one's self-esteem and likely enhance emotional stability, confidence and the ability to be sociable.

Healthy relationships are also built on mutual support and encouragement. Partners may motivate each other to pursue personal goals, adopt healthier habits and take on responsibilities, fostering conscientiousness.

However, as individuals become more intertwined with their partners, they may feel a need to prioritize the relationship over personal interests or pursuits. This shift in focus may result in a decreased willingness to explore new experiences or ideas.

Additionally, dysfunctional relationships can also leave lasting scars, shaping personality in detrimental ways. Emotional abuse, manipulation and codependency can erode self-esteem, foster distrust and fuel maladaptive patterns of relationship behavior. In such cases, individuals may struggle to break free from destructive relationship dynamics, hindering their ability to grow and flourish.

Not all new relationships will have the same impact on personality and factors such as compatibility, communication and mutual respect play crucial roles in determining the outcomes.

2. Getting Married

A 2018 study found that newlyweds undergo significant personal and relational transformations as they navigate their new roles and the adjustments that come with them. Researchers found that:

1. Husbands experience increases in conscientiousness but declines in agreeableness and extraversion
2. Wives exhibit declines in agreeableness, openness and neuroticism

As couples grapple with the realities of their new life together, such as adjustments in living arrangements, financial matters and emotional and physical interdependence, their life may not align with their idealized expectations.

Further, the decreases in openness among wives may reflect their habituation to the routines and norms associated with marriage. Conversely, the significant increase in conscientiousness among husbands may be a result of wanting to prioritize being a reliable partner.

The decline in extraversion among husbands could be attributed to the tendency for married couples to restrict their social networks compared to when they were single. As husbands prioritize their relationship with their spouse, they may become less inclined to engage in extensive socializing outside the marriage.

Both husbands and wives exhibit decreases in agreeableness over time and this shift could indicate becoming more assertive and understanding their needs better with time.

Research also shows that married couples tend to have better mental health than those in less committed relationships. Newlyweds' increase in emotional stability could be a result of the positive effect of marital commitment on their sense of emotional security.

3. Navigating Divorce

A 2023 study found that losses in relationships can have long-term effects on one's personality. Divorce is associated with worse mental health and lower emotional stability, highlighting the crucial importance of having a support system in the aftermath of romantic loss.

Additionally, a 2020 study found that losing love can influence one's self-concept since being with another person can shape their understanding of themselves. The researchers write, "when one is falling out of love, one loses an important point of reference for self-understanding. While this disorientating process is typically taken to be harmful to the person experiencing it, by re-evaluating who we were in the relationship and who we are now, we can escape from oppressive practices in subsuming relationships."

Importantly, the same life event can be perceived differently by different people. Divorce may be either a heart-breaking process, a cause for celebration or both, which can affect the ways in which their personality changes.

Like an earthquake leaving behind aftershocks, a major life event like getting divorced can leave smaller, enduring effects. However, research shows that it is unlikely to lead to permanent personality change.

While love can influence personality, it is not the sole determinant. Personality is a complex interplay of genetic predispositions, environmental factors and individual experiences. Love may serve as a catalyst for change, but ultimately, it is our own agency and resilience that shape who we become.

Want to know if your relationship is changing your personality for the better or worse? Take this test: Relationship Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.