5 Questions Every Couple Needs To Ask Each Other

If you're looking for new avenues to grow with your partner, then you need to ask them these five questions. Here's why.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | April 18, 2025

Relationships thrive when both partners commit to continuous growth and understanding. This is why great relationships are sculpted, not just found. Research published in Current Directions in Psychological Science explains how the "Michelangelo phenomenon" is instrumental in stimulating mutual growth and evolution in couples.

Just as Michelangelo saw the potential within a block of marble, we must actively uncover — rather than assume — our partner's evolving thoughts, feelings and dreams. Asking intentional questions creates deeper connection, emotional safety and shared purpose.

Here are five key questions to help you and your partner grow together.

1. 'Are We Working Together To Solve The Problem?'

Conflict is inevitable, but how you approach it defines your relationship's health. Morton Deutsch's Theory of Cooperation and Competition suggests that couples who view goals as shared (rather than opposing) can likely communicate better and grow stronger.

When you operate as a team, you're likely to view your partner's joy as your own. This encourages you to actively celebrate each other's successes and face challenges side by side, viewing obstacles as shared battles rather than individual burdens. This mindset enhances security and mutual growth, making you invested in each other's flourishing in addition to just your own.

A competitive mindset might unconsciously brand a partner's achievement as a threat to one's own, triggering insecurity rather than pride. Disagreements might devolve into scorekeeping or power struggles, where "winning" the argument matters more than resolving the issue. As a result, the relationship can become a subtle (or overt) battlefield, eroding trust and emotional safety over time.

2. 'Do You Feel Emotionally Safe With Me Right Now?'

Emotional safety is the foundation of a healthy relationship. And it's not just about love, but about feeling seen, heard and respected, especially during tough conversations.

Research published in Family Process in 2016 shows that couples who cultivate this kind of safety are better able to break free from negative cycles and reconnect. Therapists who use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) help partners build this safety by validating each other's feelings by using affirming phrases as simple as "I hear how hurt you are" or "It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed."

You can employ these strategies outside of therapy sessions as well. Try speaking gently, and use each other's words to show understanding. Focus on staying present rather than digging up past conflicts. In everyday life, small shifts, like truly listening or softening your tone, can go a long way in making your partner feel emotionally secure.

3. 'What's Changed For You Lately And How Can I Show Up Better?'

What mattered to your partner a year ago may not be the same today. This question shows you're paying attention to who they are now, not who they used to be. And most importantly, it signals to your partner that you are creating room for them to grow and change.

For instance, if your partner is stressed at work while you're thriving, avoid any hint of superiority. Instead, you can ask, "How can I help you feel more supported?"

A 2017 study on the feeling of being understood in relationships suggests that we often project our own feelings onto others, assuming they see us the way we see ourselves. We think people notice us more than they do and believe our thoughts or feelings are more obvious than they are. We also assume our partners are more like us than they might really be.

These assumptions can lead us to overestimate how much our partner understands us.
To correct these assumptions, practice active listening and ask clarifying questions like, "What does support look like for you right now?" instead of projecting your own feelings or operating from assumptions that were formed at the beginning of your relationship.

Recognize that your partner's needs and perspectives may differ from yours, and avoid mind-reading. Regular check-ins ensure you're responding to who they are now, not just past assumptions. By challenging the belief that they "just know" what you're thinking or that you fully understand them, you create a deeper, more intentional connection.

4. 'What Does Love Look Like To You Right Now?'

At the beginning of a relationship, physical touch might be the dominant love language — handholding, cuddles or kisses may be your go-to expression of love. But as life evolves, so do our needs. A partner juggling work, parenting and caregiving for extended family might now crave acts of service more than physical affection. That shift isn't about loving less, but about needing love in a different form.

This is why it's important to regularly ask, "What makes you feel most loved these days?"

A 2022 study published in PLOS One found that partners feel more romantically and sexually satisfied when love is expressed in the way they prefer to receive it. Surprisingly, even those with high empathy scores didn't always get it right.

This is proof that guesswork isn't enough and that love languages might change quietly, without you noticing. Sometimes it's affection, other times it's space, words of affirmation or shared goals. The "how" of love has to stay active and mutual. And if your love language has shifted, don't leave your partner guessing — communicate it. Staying silent only deepens the disconnect.

5. 'Are We Still Dreaming Together Or Just Managing Life?'

Long-term relationships can quietly slip into a rhythm of routines and logistics — meals, chores, school runs and bills. But it's the shared dreams that breathe life back into a bond — a future trip, a creative pursuit or simply a new way of living together.

Do you still have those quiet moments after dinner — when the kids are tucked in and it's just the two of you on the porch, reminiscing about your early days? Do you talk about what comes next, like traveling when the kids head off to college? Do your goals still intertwine? Do you light up when your partner smiles at the thought of being part of your future?

Relationships aren't built only on grand gestures. Sometimes, you just want space, and that's okay. But when routines take over and communication fades, it's easy to start taking each other for granted. And that's when things begin to crack.

Every once in a while, you need to reimagine your shared life as a puzzle where the picture keeps morphing into new scenes, prompting you to rearrange things all over again. Reimagining your relationship at relevant and regular intervals reminds you that there is, in fact, a big picture that you can fantasize about time and again.

Is your partner's way of showing love working for you? Use the evidence-based Relationship Satisfaction Scale to find out.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.