5 'If-Then' Rules That Can Sabotage Your Relationships

These conditional expectations can feel logical, but they often create distance instead of connection.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | June 2, 2025

Whether you realize it or not, your relationship is shaped by a set of silent rules. These rules often appear in the form of "if-then" statements, a sort of mental shortcut that helps us navigate love but can just as easily trip us up.

While some "if-then" beliefs can create boundaries and emotional clarity, others can lead to unrealistic expectations, miscommunication and ultimately emotional distance.

Here are five common relational if-then statements that might be silently driving your relationship, and how to revise them in ways that promote connection, rather than confusion.

1. If My Partner Really Knows Me, Then I Shouldn't Have To Ask For What I Need

This belief often stems from the romantic notion that true love means never having to explain yourself. The fantasy is that if it's real love, then you're soulmates, a concept often equated with intuitively sensing each other's moods and desires without speaking a word.

While this idea may feel comforting, research suggests it can quietly chip away at your relationship.

A 2015 study exploring "mind reading expectations"— the belief that partners should inherently understand each other's feelings without being explicitly told — found that such expectations are linked to problematic patterns of interaction.

Specifically, when participants felt their partners had failed to recognize that they were upset, they reported feeling even more distressed and were more likely to respond with combative behavior or the silent treatment. These reactions weren't random. They actually stemmed from a violated expectation that their partner should have known something that was never communicated.

Relying on your partner to "just know" can trigger an unintentional chain reaction: unspoken needs become unmet needs, which escalate into frustration and conflict. Even when your partner cares deeply, they can't be expected to anticipate every emotional nuance, especially if it hasn't been shared.

Instead of letting resentment build in the silence, try revising this belief to something like: "If something matters to me, then I need to communicate it clearly."

Remind yourself that clear communication isn't a sign of weak connection. Instead, it's a hallmark of emotional maturity. As the research shows, unmet mind reading expectations often create more emotional upset and strain. By expressing your needs directly, you not only increase the chances they'll be met — you also protect your relationship from the misunderstandings that drive disconnection.

2. If I Stop Trying, Then The Relationship Will Fall Apart

This belief comes about when one partner feels solely responsible for keeping things afloat, whether that means initiating difficult conversations or planning quality time when life gets too busy.

It's as if only one partner is responsible for carrying the emotional weight of the relationship, and it's an exhausting position to be in. While effort is essential in any relationship, effort that feels one-sided can lead to emotional burnout.

Instead, a 2021 study published in Communication Monographs found that when individuals received more relationship maintenance from their partners, including gestures that demonstrate care, support and engagement, they experienced less conflict, felt more emotionally united and bore less relational load (a term describing the emotional strain one feels in a relationship).

Interestingly, the study also found that when women held more communal perspectives, that is, thinking in terms of "we" instead of "me," both partners demonstrated better executive functioning after stressful conversations.

In other words, shared maintenance and a collective mindset reduce the emotional toll of relational stress. It's not about never trying. It's more about both partners contributing to the emotional upkeep of the relationship.

Rather than holding onto the belief, "If I stop trying, we'll fall apart," try this shift: "If I'm the only one maintaining this connection, something needs to change."

The deeper you reflect, the more you will realize that sustainable connection doesn't come from one person doing the work of two. It comes from both partners showing up, supporting each other and sharing the effort, especially when things get hard.

3. If We Argue, Then Something Must Be Wrong With Us

Many couples shy away from conflict, assuming that disagreement is a sign of trouble. But recent research conducted across two national contexts — the UK and Hungary — suggests otherwise.

A 2020 study found that it's not arguing itself that's harmful, but the belief that couples shouldn't argue at all. In fact, this aversion to disagreement was the only one of several tested lay beliefs that consistently predicted lower relationship satisfaction.

This could be because when we treat disagreement as a threat, we often suppress our needs or tiptoe around issues that actually matter. Over time, this silence, intended to preserve closeness, ends up creating emotional distance instead.

So, notice what happens if you replace the default belief with, "If we argue, we're being honest."

Disagreement can be uncomfortable, sure. But train yourself to also view it as an invitation to learn something new, to clarify misunderstandings and to connect with parts of the relationship that go unnoticed, conveniently.

Conflict is not a sign of dysfunction when handled constructively. Rather, it's a sign that both people are invested in making the relationship better, and showing up as their full selves.

4. If I Let Someone In Again, Then I'll Just Get Hurt

This belief often stems from lived experience such as betrayal, neglect or abandonment that teach us to protect ourselves by shutting down emotionally. And while those defenses may shield us from further pain, they can also quietly block us from the connection we deeply want.

A 2022 study published in Current Psychology found that people high in attachment-avoidance often cope with vulnerability through "defensive isolation," which is the act of pulling away from social situations to protect themselves from potential hurt. They may seem independent or aloof, while actually fearing the cost of closeness.

On the other hand, those high in attachment-anxiety tend to express distress through passive-aggression or simply acting out — all calls for help that don't always invite care or safety. These patterns don't mean someone is "too broken" to love again. Rather, they reflect the different ways people learn to manage emotional risk.

It's important to realize that these defenses aren't flaws. They're protective adaptations. But when left unexamined, they can make it harder to build the closeness we long for.

So instead of retreating behind familiar walls, try this reframe: "If I feel unsure, I can express that directly instead of acting defensively."

Continue to remind yourself that emotional safety isn't about avoiding hurt at all costs. Life has its ups and downs. But things change for the better when we start recognizing our defenses and gently practicing new ways of relating. Letting someone in doesn't mean forgetting past pain; it means allowing yourself to be seen with boundaries that work for you and choices that favor you.

5. If We've Been Together Long Enough, Then Effort Shouldn't Be Necessary

It's a comforting idea that love, once earned, should sustain itself. But in reality, the passage of time doesn't make effort optional. If you look deeper, it makes it essential.

A large-scale study of over 8,000 individuals in various types of romantic unions including first marriages, cohabiting relationships and second marriages, found that the amount of effort partners put into a relationship was strongly and positively associated with both satisfaction and stability.

In other words, couples who remained actively engaged through presence and care that reflected their deep investment reported feeling happier and more secure, regardless of how long they'd been together or what kind of union they were in.

Interestingly, the association between effort and satisfaction was even stronger in first marriages than in cohabiting relationships, hinting that effort doesn't just maintain the quality of your relationship — it may be especially meaningful in long-term commitments.

Rather than viewing effort as a sign of something being wrong, what if we saw it as proof something's worth preserving? Consider this reframe: "If we want this to last, we have to keep showing up."

Continued effort is how intimacy stays alive. All it takes is consistency in the way you show kindness and affection to each other.

Love, then, is clearly not a "set-it-and-forget-it" arrangement. It's something we choose to nurture again and again. And the science couldn't be clearer.

Such if-then beliefs are more common than we realize. So, the next time your inner voice says, "If they loved me, then they would…," just pause. Don't default to assumption. Choose conversation. Replace fear with curiosity, and remind yourself that love isn't about flawless intuition, but about the willingness to stay engaged and co-create the reality that you came together for in the first place.

Are your if-then beliefs helping your relationship, or quietly undermining it? Take the research-backed Relationship Sabotage Scale to find out.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.