4 Subtle Ways You're Self-Sabotaging Your Happiness Every Day
New research uncovers why self-sabotage happens even in healthy lives, and the mindset changes proven to restore joy.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | December 19, 2025
Most of us, at some point in our lives, have stood in the way of our own growth. We make progress on a project, start to feel hopeful about a relationship or finally get on track with a goal, and then we do something that undermines it. We fall into a procrastination spiral, pick a fight or simply quit; in doing so, we talk ourselves out of something that could potentially bring us happiness. There's a name for this kind of behavior: self-sabotage.
It looks like standing in your own way, but beneath the surface, there are deep cognitive and emotional dynamics at work. Here are four well-studied reasons why people sabotage good things, based on research in psychology.
1. You Self-Sabotage By Avoiding Blame
One of the most consistently researched patterns in self-sabotage comes from what psychologists call self-handicapping. This is a behavior in which people create obstacles to their own success so that if they fail, they can blame external factors instead of internal ability.
A prime example comes from classic research where researchers observed students who procrastinated studying for an important test. The ones who failed mostly attributed it to lack of preparation rather than lack of organization or discipline. For the ones who succeeded, it felt like a greater personal triumph because they succeeded despite the handicap.
Self-handicapping is not simply laziness or whimsy. Rather, it is a strategy people use to protect their self-worth in situations they might perform "poorly" in or where they might be perceived as inadequate.
It goes without saying that this strategy is counterproductive in the long run. The abovementioned study notes that habitual self-handicapping is linked with lower achievement, reduced effort and increasing avoidance over time. People end up sabotaging their outcomes to protect their ego in the moment.
2. You Self-Sabotage Because Of A Fear Of Failure Or Success (Or Both)
People often think of the fear of failure as the main emotional driver behind self-sabotage. But research points to the fear of success as an equal, yet less talked-about engine of the phenomenon. Both fears can push people to undermine opportunities that are actually aligned with their long-term goals.
Fear of failure motivates avoidance as it can protect people from harsh self-judgment if things go poorly. People who worry that failure will confirm their negative self-beliefs are more likely to adopt defensive avoidance tactics, like procrastination or quitting early.
Fear of success, though less widely discussed, operates in a similar fashion. What motivates this fear is the anxiety that comes with the consequences of success. These could be higher self-expectations (or from others), increased visibility or a sense that you will no longer fit into familiar social roles. Psychologists like Abraham Maslow called this the Jonah complex: the fear of one's own potential when success creates new demands and threats to identity.
So, self-sabotaging success can be a way to stay within a comfort zone where expectations are familiar, even if that zone is unsatisfying.
3. You Self-Sabotage Because Of Negative Self-Beliefs
Self-sabotage is tightly intertwined with how people view themselves. When someone doubts their worth, their ability or their right to be happy, they may unconsciously act in ways that confirm those negative self-views.
Psychological theories like self-discrepancy theory help explain this. It proposes that people experience emotional discomfort when their actual self does not match their ideal self. This mismatch can lead to negative emotions such as shame, anxiety or depression. To reduce that discomfort, some may unconsciously avoid situations where those discrepancies could be highlighted, even if those situations are positive in nature.
For example, someone who believes deep down that they "don't deserve" success may avoid opportunities where success is possible because acceptance of that success would trigger uncomfortable self-judgments. Their behavior is not illogical when viewed through the lens of protecting a fragile identity, even though the outcome — self-sabotage — is counterproductive.
4. You Self-Sabotage Because You're Coping With Stress and Anxiety
Self-sabotage often emerges in moments of high stress or emotional threat. When people feel overwhelmed, anxious or stretched thin, their nervous systems shift into protective modes. Instead of moving forward, they retreat, avoid or defensively withdraw.
Threat or uncertainty can reduce cognitive regulation and increase avoidance behaviors. In situations of perceived threat, even if the threat is potential success or evaluation, people can default to behaviors that feel safer, even if they undermine long-term goals.
In practical terms, this means someone under chronic stress may procrastinate, ruminate or choose short-term relief over long-term gain, effectively sabotaging progress to manage anxiety in the moment.
What All These Patterns Of Self-Sabotage Have in Common
These psychological processes may feel very different on the surface, manifesting as procrastination, quitting, relationship withdrawal, distraction or negative self-talk, but they share common underlying themes:
- A desire to protect self-esteem by avoiding situations where perceived personal flaws might be exposed
- A fear of consequences, either of failure or of success, that feels threatening to identity or emotional stability
- Internal negative beliefs about self-worth and competence that are at odds with conscious goals
- Short-term emotional regulation strategies that comfort over long-term achievement
What looks like "standing in your own way" is often a defensive strategy your mind developed to manage risk, emotional, social or identity related. That explains why self-sabotage can feel automatic and unconscious, rather than deliberate.
Understanding why self-sabotage occurs is the first step toward changing it. But real progress comes from shifting underlying beliefs and responses, not just behaviors:
- Reframe failure as feedback. When failure is seen as a source of information rather than a judgment on worth, the fear that drives sabotage weakens.
- Build self-compassion. Self-compassion has been linked with lower tendencies to self-handicap. Treating yourself kindly in the face of setbacks makes it easier to stay engaged rather than withdraw.
- Challenge self-worth beliefs. Work on internal narratives that tell you you're unworthy of success. Aligning self-concept with realistic goals reduces conflict and avoidance.
- Develop adaptive stress responses. Reducing chronic stress and improving emotional regulation, through mindfulness, social support or therapy, can help prevent threat-driven avoidance.
These strategies don't magically eliminate self-sabotage, but they weaken its psychological roots. The goal isn't to eradicate fear or doubt, but to stop letting them dictate your actions.
Self-sabotage also manifests as relationship sabotage. Take the science-backed Relationship Sabotage Scale to know if you're the red flag in your love life.
Curious to know who your historical personality twin is, as well as your historical opposite? Take the Historical Figure Quiz for an instant answer.
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.