4 Questions To Ask During Your Next 'Relationship Audit'

The year is coming to an end, which means it's time for reflection. Here's a guide on how to introspect your relationships.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | November 11, 2024

As the year comes to a close, many of us reflect on our personal goals, career achievements and health. But our relationships don't often fall into this bucket. Needless to say, personal relationships—whether with family, friends or partners—play a significant role in our well-being.

Unlike work, where you often have no choice but to deal with certain people, your personal relationships offer more freedom. You have the power to evaluate, improve or distance yourself from those who might be draining your energy.

This is where a relationship audit can be an invaluable tool. Doing it annually helps you check in on your emotional well-being, assess the quality of your relationships and make conscious decisions about where to focus your energy going forward.

Here are four questions to ask yourself while auditing your personal relationships.

1. How Does This Relationship Make Me Feel?

A 2016 study published in the Journal of Family and Marriage shows that when people have positive experiences with the important people in their lives—like their spouse, children, family and friends—it boosts their happiness and mental health. On the other hand, relationships that consistently bring about mixed or negative feelings tend to lower their happiness and can even lead to feelings of depression.

Understanding how a relationship makes you feel is foundational to knowing whether it enhances your well-being or detracts from it. Our emotions serve as indicators of whether a connection is fulfilling, balanced or potentially draining, guiding us toward relationships that support our happiness and growth.

Reflect on the emotions that arise when you're around this person. Are you excited, comfortable and supported, or do you feel anxious, frustrated or drained? If a relationship consistently leaves you feeling negative, it may be time to reassess its place in your life.

2. Is There Mutual Effort And Reciprocity?

Healthy relationships are built on balance. While not every interaction will be equal, there should be a general sense of reciprocity over time. Mutual effort in a relationship signals respect and commitment. Reflecting on reciprocity allows you to see if a connection feels balanced, ensuring both people invest in keeping the relationship alive.

The Whitehall II study, spanning from 1985 to 2004, followed 10,308 British civil servants and found that persistent lack of reciprocity in close relationships, like those with partners, family members and trusted friends, significantly worsened health outcomes.

Participants experiencing unbalanced relational support had increased rates of depression and sleep disturbances, largely due to the chronic stress from unmet emotional needs and feelings of unfair treatment. These negative effects remained significant even when accounting for previous health status, social support and lifestyle factors.

This shows fostering balanced, reciprocal relationships is essential for maintaining not only mental but also physical health. If you are always the one initiating plans, offering support or compromising, it may signal an imbalance that needs addressing. Relationships thrive when both parties contribute to keeping the connection alive.

3. Can I Communicate Openly And Honestly?

Open communication is the heartbeat of meaningful relationships, allowing you to express yourself without reservation. In contrast, "pretend" relationships—those kept up for status or convenience—often drain mental energy, as they require constant filtering and lack genuine trust.

A 2018 study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that people often misjudge the effects of honesty, expecting adverse reactions. Honest communication usually strengthens relationships, making them more enjoyable and socially connected than one might expect.

Reflecting on communication helps you see if a connection is truly supportive or merely draining. It reveals where authenticity thrives and where it falls short. In fulfilling relationships, you should feel safe expressing your thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment.

If you frequently find yourself withholding feelings or avoiding difficult conversations, the relationship may lack the emotional safety needed for growth and trust.

4. Are My Boundaries Respected?

Boundaries define the roles and acceptable behaviors within relationships, providing clarity that reduces relational conflict and promotes mutual respect. Effective boundary-setting involves not only establishing personal limits but also actively negotiating these with others to accommodate evolving relationship needs.

Furthermore, boundaries are essential for emotional and psychological health as they help individuals protect their identity and autonomy within relationships, particularly within family and partnerships.

A 2023 study on mental boundaries defines thin boundaries as a blurred line between self and others, making it hard for individuals to separate their own feelings from those around them. This can lead to lower self-esteem and weaker social support. In contrast, thick boundaries involve clear distinctions, boosting self-esteem, enhancing social support and protecting mental health.

Healthy relationships involve respecting each other's personal limits—whether it's about time, emotional availability or personal space. If you find yourself constantly compromising on your boundaries or feeling guilty for setting them around certain people, it's essential to re-evaluate the dynamics.

Start Next Year With Intentional, Stronger Relationships

A relationship audit is not just about identifying problems—it's also about setting intentions for improvement. Ask yourself—what do I want from my relationships next year?

Do you want to invest more time in certain relationships or perhaps distance yourself from others? Setting clear intentions helps you take control of your emotional life, ensuring your relationships align with your personal growth and happiness.

One method to achieve this is by analyzing your values. An essential part of a relationship audit is understanding what truly matters to you. Reflect on what qualities you cherish most in relationships—whether it's loyalty, honesty, growth or mutual support.

When you're clear on what you value, it becomes easier to recognize which relationships align with those values and which don't. Sometimes, you may find that a relationship doesn't need to be maintained simply out of habit or history. This invites you to consciously choose relationships that resonate with your personal values and contribute positively to your life.

Relationships are living, evolving parts of life and regular reflection allows you to course-correct when needed. By asking the right questions, you can make intentional choices about who you surround yourself with in the coming year, ensuring that your relationships enhance your life rather than hinder it.

Think you're an empathetic friend? Take the science-backed Cognitive Empathy Scale to find out.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.