4 'Love Styles' Only Found In The Strongest Of Marriages
Can your marriage stand the test of time? If it's characterized by any of these four 'love styles,' then it likely can.
By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | November 04, 2024
When it comes to love styles, everyone experiences it a little differently. Some people fall head over heels with intense passion, while others grow their bond slowly, building on deep friendship.
Psychologist John Alan Lee identified six distinct "love styles"—unique approaches to love that shape how we connect with our partners. While there is no singular, "right" way to love, a review published in the Open Journal of Social Sciences suggests that the strongest marriages often share four love styles that bring more stability, joy and longevity to relationships.
Here are the four love styles that contribute to strong marriages, according to the study.
1. 'Eros' Love Style
Eros, the romantic love style, is about passionate, intense and immediate attraction as well as deep emotional connection. Eros creates an exciting and energetic atmosphere in a relationship, filled with butterflies, emotional highs and a strong desire for closeness.
Research suggests that this love style is closely tied to high levels of marital satisfaction. Eros is also associated with having a secure attachment style, which creates trust and stability in relationships.
Such love also involves mutual support, commitment, a strong sense of partnership and positive strategies for conflict resolution and stressful situations, which helps nurture a long-term connection.
However, like any intense emotion, it's also important that the passion of Eros remains balanced. When it becomes excessive, it can lead to preoccupation with a partner, potentially fostering jealousy and codependency in relationships.
With time, the intensity of Eros may also naturally decrease, but this doesn't mean the passion has to disappear. Instead, it can evolve into a more sustainable form of love. The key is to balance passion with intention, respect and communication, ensuring that the fire of Eros fuels the relationship rather than consumes it.
2. 'Agape' Love Style
Agape, also known as selfless love, is altruistic, unconditional love. It's about giving and caring for the other person without it necessarily having to be a transactional experience. People with this love style are deeply committed to their partner's well-being and happiness.
Agape is less about passion and more about nurturing a stable, supportive, caring and respectful relationship. It's the type of love that often keeps a marriage strong over the long term. Couples who exhibit this love style are often the most committed, valuing loyalty and a deep sense of duty to one another.
A 2021 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that when we perceive our partners as caring, attentive, responsive and validating, it enhances the quality of our relationship.
Agape is also associated with healthy conflict resolution, as couples with this love style tend to avoid negative behaviors like criticism or defensiveness. Instead, they lean into compromise, empathy and joint efforts to overcome challenges.
Agape can be particularly powerful during challenging periods, such as when one partner is stressed or dealing with personal difficulties. The selfless nature of this love allows both partners to pull together and face these challenges as a team.
However, it's important to remember the distinction between selflessness and excessive self-sacrifice. When balanced with mutual support, Agape can be a powerful force for long-lasting love, especially when both partners are equally committed to each other's well-being.
3. 'Storge' Love Style
Storge or friendship-based love is about deep companionship and emotional closeness. It's less about the fiery passion of Eros and more about a steady, comforting bond that grows with time through shared experiences and emotional intimacy. It allows you to rely on a partner as both a lover and a best friend.
Storge is often found in long-term marriages because it provides stability and trust. Such couples are also less prone to impulsive or destructive relationship behaviors. What makes it particularly special is its focus on enduring companionship.
Even as the initial spark of Eros may wane, Storge remains a steady, grounding force that strengthens the relationship over time. This deep sense of friendship allows partners to feel loved for who they truly are.
4. 'Pragma' Love Style
Pragma is the love of practicality and reason, where partners choose each other based on compatibility, core values, shared goals and long-term potential. Individuals with this love style look for a partner who meets their specific needs, whether emotional, financial or lifestyle-based.
This love is not driven by passion or spontaneity, but by careful consideration of how a partner fits into one's life. While Pragma might seem less romantic, it provides the foundation for a strong marriage by focusing on practical aspects of compatibility. Of course, it's important not to become so focused on rationality that you neglect the emotional connection that fuels intimacy.
Overall, researchers suggest that Pragma is associated with stable, satisfying relationships, contributing to both partners' well-being. Such couples may feel more secure in their partnership, knowing that they've made a thoughtful, rational choice. While Pragma might not sweep you off your feet, it ensures that your relationship is built to last.
On the other hand, love styles such as Ludus— the game-playing, non-committal love style— and Mania, the obsessive love style, undermine relationship quality and stability due to the negative relationship behavior involved.
Eros, Agape, Storge and Pragma—each bring unique strengths to a marriage. Eros ignites passion, Agape fosters deep care, Storge cultivates friendship and Pragma ensures compatibility—all essential elements that create a resilient partnership.
While it's natural for couples to gravitate toward one or more of these love styles, recognizing and appreciating the diverse ways love can manifest helps create a richer connection. As you reflect on your love style and how it interacts with your partner's, consider the importance of balance. By consciously weaving in elements from all four styles, you can build a marriage that truly stands the test of time.
Curious to know how your marital satisfaction stacks up against others? Take the science-backed Marital Satisfaction Scale for an answer.
A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.