4 Guilt-Tripping Tactics Narcissists Use

What if the guilt you've carried for years was planted there? Here's how narcissists twist your empathy into control.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | June 25, 2025

Having a narcissistic parent growing up or being in a relationship with a narcissistic partner often equals years of emotional abuse that most don't even realize until much later.

A 2019 SAGE Open study categorically named manipulation, emotional coercion and control as key elements of narcissistic intimate relationship abuse.

From interviews with survivors, the authors determined that grandiose and vulnerable narcissistic partners both used strategies aimed at decentering their victims' sense of self and keeping them emotionally bound.

One of the most frequent tactics used was guilt-tripping the other individual, even when they were simply expressing fundamental needs or establishing boundaries. That guilt wasn't an accident — instead, it was a tactic of control.

The following are the four most prevalent tactics narcissists employ to guilt-trip, as well as how to identify these patterns:

1. Playing The Victim

Narcissists tend to present themselves as the victim to deflect responsibility and elicit sympathy, turning the attention back to themselves when you bring up a concern. This strategy manipulates your boundaries or concerns into an attack, placing you in the position of aggressor.

The "victim card" is played by vulnerable narcissists to hold onto or reassert control. One participant said, "He would never admit that 'I never want to lose you,' but I think he was so afraid of losing me that he turned into the victim just to keep me." The biggest motivating force for the vulnerable narcissist is often the fear of abandonment.

Narcissists resort to pulling out past traumas and all the instances where other people hurt them to excuse where they ended up, taking no responsibility or blame for their faults or acknowledging they are wrong.

This impression is particularly potent in those scoring high on exploitative or entitled tendencies, and who perceive themselves as victimized even when they haven't been wronged, objectively speaking. This strategy causes their partner to feel selfish or "bad" for setting boundaries or communicating basic needs.

2. Silent Treatment

Narcissists tend to stonewall or use the silent treatment when they feel criticized, challenged or upset. The silent treatment isn't about needing space — it's a punishment designed to provoke guilt and anxiety, especially when used after you voice a concern.

Communication is immediately cut off during these periods. Efforts to connect through messages, calls or face-to-face interactions are ignored, dismissed or even result in verbal aggression, no matter how gently or kindly this effort is made.

These intervals of silence can persist for hours or days. Eventually, this pattern breeds confusion and emotional uncertainty in the other partner. The other person tends to start questioning themselves and their own behavior or motives.

Having no idea what brought on the shutdown, they might take the blame even where was no obvious wrongdoing. They feel guilty for having asserted needs or limits, followed by apologizing in advance or emotional concessions just to get the relationship back open.

Eventually, communication is restored, but only on the narcissistic partner's terms. For people with attachment anxiety or a fear of abandonment, this pattern can create self-sacrifice and repression in the relationship. They become the second priority while placing their partner first.

A 2009 study published in Communication Research Reports found that individuals who are less committed in their romantic relationships are more likely to use the silent treatment and stonewalling when upset. In contrast, higher levels of relational commitment were associated with openness and emotional transparency.

This finding suggests that the use of silence as punishment may reflect not only emotional avoidance but a deeper resistance to vulnerability and connection, features often seen in narcissistic relational patterns.

3. Gaslighting

Narcissists distort your values against you so you doubt if you are selfish, cruel or ungrateful for simply putting your own needs first. They may even maintain an inner ledger of everything they've done for you, not out of kindness but as collateral.

You may hear, "After everything I've done for you" when you attempt to establish a boundary and find them guilt-tripping you for questioning their "generosity" and love.

In the 2019 SAGE Open study, Most participants felt they were "going crazy" — a byproduct of gaslighting and perpetual guilt-tripping, making them question their own thoughts and memories.

One participant said, "He would tell me what the reality was and he justified it so well and he was so convinced in his arguments that I would sort of accept his reality as my own. I felt like I was part of his reality to the point where I didn't even have my own thoughts anymore."

Narcissists tend to guilt-trip you by turning you into the issue and saying things like you are "too sensitive" or accusing you of being ungrateful for establishing a boundary. They arm-twist your empathy, warping your moral compass until you are ashamed to defend yourself and stop trying altogether.

After a while, this repeated guilt-tainted gaslighting can lead you to question your needs, your memories and even your value.

4. Over-Personalization And Triangulation

Narcissists tend to view neutral incidents as personal slights. A slow response to a text becomes disrespectful. A somber mood becomes proof that you're "withholding" affection. All this persistent "over-personalizing" puts pressure on you to start tiptoeing around their reactions and over-explaining your motives. You start to feel guilty for even having an independent thought or taking a break for yourself.

But the guilt doesn't end there. Narcissists often enlist third parties — your friends, their relatives or even former lovers to make you think you're wrong. This is called triangulation. Not only are they angry, but now it's "Everyone thinks you're being unfair," or "Even my mom said you overreacted." The objective is to isolate you by making you feel not only guilty, but outnumbered.

A study published in the Journal of Research in Personality discovered that narcissistic individuals had more fluctuations in their self-concept across social roles and different time points.

The authors pointed out that narcissists' self-perception varies with how they are viewed by others, bringing about psychological instability. This instability renders them hypersensitive to perceived injury, which is the reason they take things personally that are entirely unrelated to them.

This precarious sense of self fuels their desire for control and external validation. When their reputation is threatened, guilt becomes a weapon — not only to punish but to entice others into their reality. Over-personalization springs the trap. Triangulation locks it. And before you know it, you begin defending yourself for things you never even did.

A narcissistic partner can often make you feel powerless. Do you experience such a lack of control in your relationship? Take this science-backed test to find out: Relationship Control Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.