3 Ways To Tell If You're A 'Drama Bonder'

Are you addicted to the thrill of relationship ups and downs? Here's three signs that you might be a 'drama bonder.'

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | April 09, 2025

Some people naturally find comfort in peace and stability, while others feel unsettled by it. Sam Vaknin, a professor of psychology, introduced the term "drama bonding" to describe relationships built on emotional turmoil rather than genuine intimacy.

Unlike trauma bonding, which is rooted in a victim-abuser dynamic, drama bonding is often mutual — both individuals contributing to cycles of emotional chaos.

Mental health educator Lindsay Braman explains that for those who grew up in environments marked by high conflict or instability, drama can feel familiar and even soothing. For those who have experienced chronic stress or instability, high-intensity emotions can become a default state.

Their nervous system, conditioned to expect conflict, might start associating drama with familiarity and safety. Over time, this can create a reliance on emotional highs and lows, making stability feel foreign and even uncomfortable.

The body can also adapt to constant stress by staying in a heightened state of alertness, making peace feel unnatural. The rush of conflict or emotional upheaval provides a familiar surge of adrenaline, reinforcing the cycle.

Without realizing it, drama can become an unconscious way to maintain that familiar state of arousal. Recognizing these patterns can be the first step toward understanding and shifting these relational dynamics.

Here are three reasons you might be addicted to drama bonding.

1. You Find Comfort In Conflict

One of the reasons you may be addicted to drama bonding is probably because you find comfort in chaotic or turbulent relationships. If you've experienced traumatic events in your past — such as emotional, physical or sexual abuse — you may have developed unconscious patterns that drive you to recreate those dynamics in your current relationships.

This phenomenon, known as "trauma reenactment," occurs when individuals are drawn to situations that mirror their past trauma, as they are familiar, even if they are painful or unhealthy.

Research shows that survivors of childhood trauma, for example, may seek out relationships that reflect the neglect, abuse or instability they once experienced. This reenactment is not about consciously wanting to relive the trauma but rather an unconscious attempt to master it or resolve unresolved feelings.

In some cases, this can lead people to choose partners or friends who create similar emotional turmoil, because that chaos feels familiar and, in a distorted way, comforting.

This tendency can lead to a cycle where the person seeks out conflict or high-drama situations because it feels like the norm, despite the emotional harm it brings.

The drive to maintain these relationships can be a sign of drama bonding. When trauma reenactment becomes unconscious and deeply ingrained, it can be difficult to break free from the habit. Here's where to begin:

• Acknowledgment. Be honest about these patterns. Seek help, such as therapy or support groups, to address and de-condition automatic responses.
• Create space between emotional reactions and actions by practicing mindfulness techniques like deep breathing, journaling or grounding exercises to pause and reflect.
• Build healthier bonds. Try and cultivate relationshipsthat involve mutual respect and emotional support.

Breaking free from trauma reenactment can be challenging and the progress you see may be slow, but it's not impossible. With consistent effort and support, you can gradually replace old patterns with healthier, more stable relationship dynamics.

2. You Seek Validation Through Drama And Conflict

The need for validation and attention is a powerful driver behind drama bonding, often rooted in deep emotional needs.

When conflicts arise, they can often trigger strong emotional reactions, giving you a sense of importance or being seen, which can be intensely addictive.

In his book, Addicted to Drama: Healing Dependency on Crisis and Chaos in Yourself and Others, Dr. Scott Lyons explains that those addicted to drama often feel a heightened sense of aliveness and self-worth during chaotic moments.

The intense emotional highs of conflict or crisis create a temporary surge of energy or attention that may seem necessary to feel valued or validated. Without these chaotic experiences, life can seem dull or lacking in excitement. The absence of conflict can trigger feelings of emptiness, making individuals seek out drama as a coping mechanism.

This pattern, while giving short-term emotional relief, can undermine long-term well-being and prevent the formation of more stable and fulfilling relationships. It's a cycle that can be difficult to break because, over time, you may unconsciously believe that you can be seen and heard only through drama.

Developing healthier ways to feel valued — such as through positive reinforcement, building self-esteem or fostering emotional support networks — can gradually help replace the need for drama with more stable and nurturing sources of validation.

3. You Are Addicted To The Rush Of Emotional Intensity

Many individuals exposed to chronic stress or high-intensity emotional experiences can become physiologically conditioned to seek the emotional highs that come with turmoil.

Neuroscience research highlights the role of the amygdala in assigning emotional intensity to experiences, especially in relation to fear, stress and heightened alertness. The amygdala helps process emotions, especially fear and stress. When someone experiences frequent emotional turmoil, their brain starts linking intense emotions with importance or urgency.

If you grew up in chaotic environments, your nervous system may become accustomed to heightened emotional arousal, making drama feel not only familiar but also necessary to maintain an internal sense of stimulation. The ventromedial prefrontal cortex (vmPFC), which helps regulate emotional responses, may struggle to inhibit overactive emotional reactions, making it harder to disengage from conflict-driven patterns.

Over time, the body gets used to this heightened state, making emotional chaos feel normal. This conditioning can lead people to unconsciously seek out drama because their nervous system has adapted to functioning in high-stress situations.

This neurochemical cycle can explain why people unconsciously crave emotional chaos, even when it leads to unhealthy relationships. Emotional upheaval provides a familiar surge of dopamine, reinforcing a learned dependence on high-stress situations.

Here are a few ways to help come out of this cycle:

• Create low-stakes emotional engagement. Replace high-intensity relationships with lower-intensity but deeply fulfilling social interactions — such as group hobbies, volunteering or philosophical discussions — to satisfy emotional needs more healthily.
• Monitor your triggers with emotional mapping. Track emotional highs and lows in a journal, identifying patterns that lead to drama-seeking behaviors. Over time, this self-awareness helps disrupt unconscious emotional cycles.
• Build comfort with calm. Learn to tolerate stillness and stability by engaging in low-stimulation activities (e.g., slow walks, journaling) so peace no longer feels "boring."
• Engage in nervous system regulation. Indulge in vagus nerve stimulation (e.g., deep breathing, cold exposure, humming,) asstimulating the vagus nerve helps calm the body by activating its "rest and relax" system. This reduces stress and helps you stay in control of your emotions.

Breaking free from this cycle isn't just about avoiding drama — it's about rewiring your nervous system to find fulfillment in stability. By consciously shifting emotional patterns and engaging in restorative practices, you can cultivate a sense of calm that feels just as compelling as chaos once did.

Do you feel like drama seems to follow you everywhere you go? Take this science-based test to find out if you seek out drama in your relationships: Need For Drama Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.