3 Ways The 'Strongman-Underdog' Dynamic Manifests In Relationships

Bullying doesn't just happen in schools or online—it can appear in romantic relationships too. Here's how, according to research.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | March 20, 2025

In some relationships, one partner takes on the role of the "strongman"—the one who calls the shots and controls the decisions—while the other becomes the "underdog," slowly losing their voice.

Such bullying can be deeply painful. The person you once trusted, the one who was supposed to support and uplift you, is now making you feel small and powerless. At first, this control might be disguised as care or concern, but over time, it chips away at the underdog's confidence, making them doubt their own choices and independence.

Here are three ways the "strongman" exerts dominance in a relationship:

1. Orchestrating An Imbalance Of Power And Control

A controlling partner often takes over crucial decisions—where to live, who to spend time with, even whether their partner should take a job opportunity—without genuinely considering their partner's needs. They justify this control by claiming they "know best" or that they're simply looking out for their partner's well-being.

For instance, the strongman might say "I don't want you hanging out with those friends—they're a bad influence" or "That job isn't safe for you; I just want to protect you." Consequently, over time, the underdog starts to feel incapable of making decisions for themselves.

However, both intention and perception matter in this dynamic. Research published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that when a male partner opposed a woman's job opportunity, the way he justified his opposition significantly influenced her reaction.

If he provided a personalized protective justification (e.g., "It's not safe for you"), women responded more positively and were less likely to perceive it as discriminatory. Women who held benevolent sexist beliefs—or valued men's protection in relationships—reacted just as positively to no justification as they did to a protective one.

Similarly, since men are not typically subjected to paternalistic restrictions, they are less likely to interpret a partner's opposition as gender discrimination. Instead, they assume their partner's concern stems from care rather than control.

2. Engaging In Manipulation And Emotional Intimidation

The strongman may resort to gaslighting to make the underdog question their feelings, memories or even their reality. This psychological tactic can make the underdog feel confused and raise their dependence on their partner for validation. Over time, they may start doubting their ability to trust their judgment, which further strengthens the strongman's control.

The strongman might also employ guilt-tripping, making the underdog feel responsible for their emotional distress. This can involve statements that imply the underdog is selfish or unloving if they don't comply with their partner's wishes.

For instance, they might say:

• "I never said that. You're imagining things." This classic gaslighting tactic makes the underdog second-guess their memory, forcing them to rely on the strongman's twisted version of events.
• "If you really loved me, you'd do this for me." Here, the strongman weaponizes love, making the underdog feel as though their affection and commitment are constantly being tested.

In some cases, affection becomes conditional and is only offered when the underdog conforms to the strongman's expectations. Acts of kindness, praise or physical affection are strategically given or withheld to reinforce control. This emotional manipulation keeps the underdog in a cycle of seeking approval, often at the cost of their own needs and well-being.

3. Using Isolation And Undermining Tactics

The strongman might discourage or even forbid their partner from seeing friends or family, increasing their dependence on them. They may also belittle their partner's ambitions, intelligence or abilities, gradually eroding their self-esteem. For instance, they might say "You'll never succeed without me."

This gradual breakdown of self-worth can push the underdog into aligning their life with the strongman's desires rather than their own. This can occur in two forms: partner goal prioritization and partner goal contagion.

In partner goal prioritization, they begin working toward objectives that benefit their partner rather than themselves, often justifying it as a way to preserve the relationship. In the latter, the underdog may lose sight of their original aspirations and adopt their partner's goals as if they were their own, believing it is the only viable path forward.

As a result, the underdog's dreams, ambitions and personal growth are sidelined, further entrenching them in a cycle of dependence and self-sacrifice that distances them from the life they once envisioned for themselves.

The Psychological Toll On The Underdog

Living in a controlling relationship takes a deep emotional toll. Over time, the underdog may begin to feel trapped, doubting their ability to make decisions or change their circumstances.

Classic research published in Communication Monographs shows that when a partner is perceived as potentially aggressive, individuals are less likely to voice concerns about controlling behaviors. This phenomenon, known as the "chilling effect," is especially strong for those who fear conflict. Symbolic aggression, such as verbal threats or intimidation, amplifies this effect, especially when paired with fears of the relationship ending.

Anxiety and fear become their constant companions. The underdog walks on eggshells, carefully adjusting their behavior to avoid triggering anger or criticism.

In this state, they may also mentally detach, struggling with conflicting thoughts about their partner's behavior. They might think, "They love me so much, but sometimes they get angry—maybe it's my fault?" This internal battle keeps them stuck, rationalizing mistreatment in an attempt to hold onto the relationship.

If they attempt to push back against control, they may face verbal attacks, cold silence or even threats. But if they comply, they experience temporary relief—affection, peace or a break from conflict. This back-and-forth reinforces the cycle of control, making it harder to leave.

Recognizing the signs of such emotional abuse is the first step toward breaking free. Seeking support, whether from friends, family or a therapist, can provide the clarity and strength needed to rebuild self-worth.

Small steps, like setting boundaries and reclaiming independence in everyday decisions, can gradually restore a sense of control. In some cases, walking away is the healthiest choice, allowing the individual to regain true freedom and peace of mind.

Do you feel respected and happy in your relationship, or are you walking on eggshells, afraid to speak up? Take this science-backed test to find out: Relationship Satisfaction Scale.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.