3 Ways That Relationship 'Dealbenders' Can Quickly Turn Into 'Dealbreakers'

Without care, a small bump on the relationship road can turn into a dead end. Here's how it happens.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | May 30, 2024

The journey to find a loving companion is often fraught with peril. In an effort to shield ourselves from hurt, we create a list of dealbreakers—specific traits, behaviors or circumstances that we find intolerable enough to result in a termination of a relationship. Common dealbreakers include hostility, unattractiveness, unambitiousness, arrogance, disloyalty, and unhygienic or abusive habits.

However, a 2022 study published in Journal of Experimental Social Psychology finds that individuals tend to remain committed even after several potential dealbreakers are present. These unacceptable factors can thus be better understood as "dealbenders." These factors can give individuals reason to pause—instead of instantly ending their relationship—lest they encounter multiple dealbenders.

These three instances can turn your dealbenders into dealbreakers, according to research.

1. You Intend To Make Your Relationship Last

The intention to pursue either a short-term or long-term relationship influences how you perceive dealbenders.

A 2022 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that people were more critical of potential partners with dealbreakers in a long-term context than a short-term one. An issue that might be negotiable, such as having an unambitious partner, might be viewed much more critically when considering a serious, long-term relationship as opposed to a short-term one.

Emotional investment tends to be deeper and more significant in long-term relationships. Consequently, you might undertake a harsher screening process to avoid getting invested in a partner who might not be the right fit for you. Indeed, a 2017 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that similarity between individuals' ideal standards and their partners resulted in greater relationship satisfaction. You will likely save yourself from impending emotional turmoil by choosing a partner who meets your expectations and has fewer dealbenders.

2. You're Troubled By Persistent, Unresolved Patterns

You might attempt to work around the dealbenders by compromising and addressing the problematic behavior or trait. However, dealbenders can transition from manageable to insurmountable if your partner exhibits a reluctance to change and adapt. Unresolved patterns and issues can cause you disappointment and distress. For instance, repeated infidelity, ongoing dishonesty or habitual disrespect are patterns that can push boundaries past their breaking point.

The absence of change can lead to a growing realization of incompatibility and manifest as frequent conflicts. A 2017 study published in Current Opinion in Psychology concluded that persistent conflicts impact the longevity of the relationship and its satisfaction. Severe and persistent conflicts cause individuals to fall back on their attachment styles to deal with the situation. Thus, people start responding to relationship tension with an avoidant or anxious mindset, further eroding the relationship.

Your dealbenders might "bend" the relationship past the point of forgiveness or reconciliation if unaddressed issues remain unaddressed.

3. Your Well-being Gets Jeopardized

Attempting to sustain a relationship while your partner exhibits multiple dealbenders can significantly damage your well-being due to the cumulative negative impact they exert. A 2023 study finds that emotionally unsatisfying relationships exacerbate anxiety, depression and lower self-esteem.

Dealing with dealbenders can hamper your emotional stability and put a damper on your love. A study published in The Qualitative Report found that falling out of love causes intense emotional pain that can overwhelm individuals with feelings of sadness.

"Yes, it was the depression. I had a deep desire to associate, but the cost, the emotional cost, was more than I was willing to pay at that time. I was spent," said a study participant.

If your partner's behaviors or habits are impacting your emotional well-being negatively, it is a clear sign that the dealbenders have escalated past the tipping point and demand your attention.

A culmination of multiple dealbenders seem to move our approach from tolerance to termination. Understanding how dealbenders evolve into dealbreakers is crucial for protecting your well-being and ensuring a healthy relationship. It's important to remember that compromise is an integral part of any relationship. But, it's equally crucial to stand firm on the non-negotiables that are vital to your happiness and well-being.

Is your relationship riddled with dealbending behavior? Take the Relationship Satisfaction Scale to know if you need professional help.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.