3 Ways That People Bully Themselves Into A 'Midlife Crisis'

The infamous 'midlife crisis' isn't as unavoidable as you think it is. Here's how they happen, and how you can prevent them.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | August 02, 2024

Canadian psychoanalyst Elliott Jacques first coined the term "midlife crisis" in the 1960s, noting that people in their mid to late 30s often experienced depression and made drastic lifestyle changes as they confronted their own mortality. This realization can profoundly impact mental health, leading to diminished self-confidence, a sense of burden or failure and mental fatigue.

In both career and family life, the fear of becoming irrelevant looms large during this period of transition. Over time, the monotony of career routines and a constant focus on family responsibilities can stifle creativity and ambition.

The resulting mental plateau leads to a diminished sense of self-worth, reinforcing a false mental narrative that younger people are "more capable." Research also confirms that this fear undermines self-confidence and spawns a cycle of decreased ambition and productivity, reinforcing the feeling of becoming obsolete, both in the realm of personality as well as one's professional life.

How A Midlife Crisis Sucks You In

Adulthood is a complex beast, and can bring even the best of us down every now and then. When the responsibilities of grown-up life overshoot your threshold of endurance and make you question your sense of identity, you can expect a midlife crisis coming your way.

Here's an accurate snapshot of a midlife crisis, straight from the horse's mouth on a reddit thread on r/midlifecrisis:

"I feel like I have been having a MLC (midlife crisis) for the last decade. Have just been filled with regret, embarrassment, shame, etc. for past financial mistakes. Also made some big life choices within the last few years that did not work out. I do not have hope for the future. Wife is overbearing and I have a lot of baggage with her from a long time ago and the feelings just won't go away. I do not know what to do or where to start to feel better."

It is clear that this testimonial is a cry for help. We can see from the quote that the mind of someone going through a midlife crisis can be a dark and bleak place—one where finding inspiration or motivation for change seems impossible. Here are three reasons why that may be:

1. The over-analytical mind. Crossing into your 30s often brings a more analytical approach to life, influenced by long-term financial planning and day-to-day responsibilities. This self-evaluation can lead to unnecessary self-criticism, as achievements and regrets from the past come into sharp focus. Research shows how self-criticism is strongly linked with mental health problems. Remember, life is constantly changing, and judging yourself by past expectations can be misleading. Studies have shown that over-analysis can negatively impact mental health, leading to anxiety and depression.
2. The dreaming error. Dreams are often romanticized as the key to future achievements, but at midlife, they can become overwhelming. The conflict between past aspirations and present realities can lead to guilt and a diminished sense of self-worth. Paradoxically, while dreams are meant to inspire, they can sometimes result in self-criticism and disillusionment during midlife. Study indicates that managing expectations and setting realistic goals can improve well-being.
3. The blame game. Life's responsibilities create routines that can feel restrictive. Reflecting on past choices and the inevitable losses can lead to a sense of a "life poorly lived." Research shows that self-blame exacerbates this feeling, creating a vacuum of purpose. It's important to recognize that everyone makes choices within the context of their social environment. Self-compassion and understanding can mitigate these negative feelings and promote mental health.

Midlife As A Moment Of Transformation

Midlife is a critical juncture, much like the eagle's choice in a popular, albeit unscientific, story. As the story goes—an eagle can either end its life in its 40s or endure a painful transformation to live up to 70 years.

The eagle retreats to a mountaintop and endures the process of shedding its beak, talons and feathers to painstakingly grow new ones. This story, while not scientifically proven, symbolizes renewal and resilience—serving as a powerful metaphor for the potential this phase of one's life holds.

Here are some practical and efficient strategies to help you navigate this period:

• Embrace self-reflection with compassion. Regularly evaluate your life and achievements without harsh self-judgment.
• Set new, realistic goals. Focus on achievable aspirations that align with your current values and circumstances.
• Seek Support. Connect with friends, family or professionals who can provide guidance and encouragement. People who have successfully navigated this phase of their lives can give unparalleled advice on how to not just survive this phase but also thrive through it.
• Stay engaged in meaningful activities. Participate in hobbies or volunteer work to maintain a sense of purpose.
• Practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, recognizing that everyone makes mistakes.

Midlife is an opportunity for transformation and growth. By understanding and addressing the mental games your mind plays, you can turn this phase into a period of renewed purpose and fulfillment. Embrace this transition with a positive outlook, and you will find that midlife can be one of the most rewarding stages of life.

A midlife crisis can be triggered by fixating on one's mistakes. Take the Mistake Rumination Scale to know if you need professional support.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.