3 Reasons Why You Shouldn't 'Keep Score' In Your Relationship

Scorekeeping can turn a loving relationship into a competitive one. Here's why you should avoid it.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | September 23, 2024

In any relationship, it's easy to fall into the trap of mentally tallying every favor, chore or good deed you do, and then silently holding it against your partner when they don't seem to be keeping up. This habit ofkeeping score may seem harmless at first, but it can quietly undermine the emotional connection between you and your partner.

While it's natural to want fairness, keeping score introduces a competitive element, turning a supportive relationship into a transactional dynamic.

Here's why scorekeeping is harmful and how you can let go of this behavior for a healthier, happier relationship.

1. It Turns Love Into A Competitive Sport

Scorekeeping in relationships shifts the focus from mutual care to individual contributions, turning partners into competitors rather than a team. This dynamic ties into social comparison theory, where individuals assess their worth by comparing themselves to others. When couples start keeping track of who contributes more, they stop acting as a team and instead become competitors striving to maintain an equal tally.

This mindset creates a transactional view of the relationship, where each act of kindness or responsibility must be matched. Instead of focusing on intimacy, partners become fixated onensuring fairness, developing a "tit-for-tat" mentality. Over time, this diminishes emotional connection, turning the relationship into a balancing act.

A 2010 study reveals that individuals with lower self-worth often use competition as a way to validate their value in the relationship, which can undermine its health. The need to "prove" oneself deepens feelings of inadequacy, perpetuating the unhealthy cycle of competition.

To break this pattern, reframe the relationship as a partnership, not a scorekeeping exercise. Focus on collaboration and shared goals rather than comparing efforts. Ask, "What can we do together to make things easier?" Sharing tasks, celebrating mutual success and having regular check-ins to discuss needs can prevent competitive behavior from taking root.

2. It Erodes Trust And Diminishes Gratitude

Scorekeeping taps into our natural negativity bias, causing us to focus more on unmet expectations than on how our partner has contributed positively. This habit makes it harder to appreciate positive actions and can erode trust over time, as each unreciprocated gesture feels like an imbalance, turning small frustrations into bigger grievances.

Trust is built when partners feel secure that the other is acting out of genuine care, not obligation. Expecting "payback" turns selfless gestures into transactional exchanges, leaving little room for gratitude.

Numerous studies suggest that when benefactors expect something in return, feelings of indebtedness increase while gratitude decreases. Additionally, recipients are less likely to offer help when these expectations are explicit, indicating that a sense of obligation can suppress gratitude.

To rebuild trust and gratitude:

Focus on what your partner has done rather than what they haven't. This aligns with positive reinforcement—acknowledging positive actions encourages more of them.
Practice daily gratitude by recognizing even small gestures and regularly expressing appreciation through notes or messages. This rewires your brain to notice and value positive contributions, making the relationship feel more supportive and secure.

3. It Breeds Resentment

Resentment arises when one partner feels their efforts are overlooked or undervalued, often due to perceived inequity in the relationship. This imbalance leads to frustration and the belief that they are "owed" more.

A 2016 study highlights how perceptions of unfairness can intensify negative emotions and reduce relationship quality. Participants who recalled times when they felt they were giving more than they were receiving (underbenefiting) reported higher levels of distress and lower relationship satisfaction than those who reflected on more balanced or even over benefiting situations.

This transactional mindset, where one tallies contributions without feeling reciprocated, can trigger passive-aggressive behaviors like withholding affection or becoming critical. Once resentment sets in, communication breaks down, with partners avoiding direct conversations about their needs and resorting to blame or avoidance instead.

To counter resentment:

Focus on building an emotional bank account. The Gottman Institute suggests turning toward each other consistently to build trust and security, which helps navigate conflicts with compassion.
Open communication about needs is key. Express when you feel overwhelmed or unappreciated, and practice emotional generosity—offering support or kindness without expecting immediate return. This fosters a culture of mutual care, where both partners feel valued.

In essence, scorekeeping may seem like a way to ensure fairness, but it's a toxic habit that erodes trust, breeds resentment and harms intimacy. Relationships thrive when both partners feel supported and appreciated, not when they're constantly comparing who does more.

Do you fall prey to the scorekeeping trap in your relationship? Take the Relationship Satisfaction Test to know where you stand.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.