3 Reasons Why You Might Be Struggling To Find The 'Perfect Partner'

Looking for love? Here's three things you need to accept before you continue your search.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | September 27, 2024

When we're searching for love, it's natural to focus on what our ideal partner looks like. Do they meet our expectations? Do they check all the boxes we've mentally listed? While there's nothing wrong with knowing what you want in a partner, the problem comes when we hold onto this rigid vision so tightly that we close ourselves off to real opportunities for love. We become so focused on ticking off boxes that we may miss out on someone who could offer us something deeper and more fulfilling than what we've imagined.

It can be difficult to let go of these expectations, but if you're seeking a healthy, lasting relationship, there are three key things you need to accept first.

1. The Perfect Partner Doesn't Exist

We've all grown up with some idea of what our perfect partner will be like—someone smart, funny, attractive, kind and maybe with great hair. The problem with this, though, is that it's not based in reality. Many of these romantic ideals come from childhood fantasies or popular, cultural narratives about what love is supposed to be. This concept of "the one" who will sweep you off your feet and check every box is both enticing and misleading.

A 2017 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships highlights how these perfectionistic ideals can persist in our romantic lives. Whether it's the belief in love at first sight, that "one true love" can overcome all obstacles or the idea that the right person will be perfect in every way—these expectations will often lead to disappointment. The more we cling to these ideals, the more we set ourselves up for frustration and dissatisfaction when reality doesn't align.

The reality is, the perfect partner likely doesn't exist. True love comes in many forms and is rarely, if ever, perfect. Love is something we sow over time—and while you may never find someone who checks every box on your list, you can find someone who is kind, loving and devoted. The sooner you let go of the idea of a flawless partner, the sooner you open yourself up to a relationship that is authentic and fulfilling.

2. You're Not Always Going To Want The Same Things

One of the most challenging truths to accept in a relationship is that you and your partner are never going to want exactly the same things all the time. We all have our own unique personalities, desires and needs. While you may have found someone who shares many of your interests, it's inevitable that there will be differences—some big, some small.

Perhaps you're an extrovert who loves socializing, while your partner is more introverted and prefers quiet evenings at home. Maybe your idea of fun is an adventurous weekend getaway, but your partner would rather relax with a good book. These differences might seem trivial at first, but they can create tension over time if you expect your partner to want exactly what you want, when you want it.

As a 2000 study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology explains, "Each partner's personality contributes independently to relationship outcomes but not in a synergistic way—a whole relationship is not greater than the sum of its two parts." In any relationship, both partners bring their own unique qualities to the table, and those qualities influence the relationship independently. You may be more patient while your partner is more organized; these traits don't combine to form some perfect synergy, but they do shape how the relationship functions.

Accepting that you won't always see eye-to-eye with your partner is key to balanced, healthy love. Instead of trying to mold your partner into a version of yourself, recognize the value in your differences. These differences can actually make the relationship more dynamic and interesting; how else will you encounter new perspectives and experiences that you wouldn't have had otherwise?

The sooner you accept that you and your partner will have discrepancies—whether in personality, preferences or priorities—the sooner you can stop viewing those differences as obstacles and start seeing them as opportunities.

3. You're Going To Have To Compromise

The idea of compromise might not sound romantic, but it's an essential part of any stable relationship; love isn't about one person getting everything they want all the time. This means that sometimes, you're going to have to let go of certain expectations or make sacrifices for the good of the relationship.

As a 2017 study on romantic compromise pointed out, many people feel hesitant to admit they've compromised in their relationships because it feels like a concession or even a failure. We often idealize the idea of never having to sacrifice in love, but the reality is far from that. Holding onto the notion that you shouldn't have to compromise in your romantic life is likely to frustrate you.

The truth is, compromise isn't the same as settling for less. And while it might be tempting to chase after a fantasy relationship where compromise isn't necessary, that kind of relationship doesn't exist. As the study's author poignantly notes,"Chasing after a short-term fantasy is often the problem and not the solution. Fantasies about what is or might be 'out there' often prove to be a poor substitute for what we already have."

In searching for such short-lived fantasies, we may close ourselves off to the possibility of compromise not just working, but having delightful results. This is not to say that you need to settle with someone you have no love for at all; this only to say that small sacrifices may result in a much greater good than you anticipated. The sooner you accept compromise as an inevitable good—rather than an avoidable evil—the sooner a deep and fulfilling love will find you.

Is idealism sabotaging your relationship? Take this evidence-based test to see how you compare with others: Relationship Sabotage Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here, and on Psychologytoday.com, here.