3 Reasons Why More And More Families Are 'Going No Contact'

Estranged families are becoming increasingly common. Here's why, according to psychological research.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | September 17, 2024

While many of us experience nurturing, heartwarming upbringings, we all know at least one person in our lives that has grown up in a fractured household. It's difficult to pinpoint exactly when tensions cross a threshold, but when they do, adult children who have endured a lifetime of strain may feel compelled to take a step back and create distance for their well-being.

Dr. Karl Pillemer Professor of Human Development and Professor of Gerontology in Medicine at Weill Cornell Medicine in his 2020 book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, he conducted a national survey, revealing that 27% of US citizens from a total of 68 million were estranged from a family member, with 10% experiencing estrangement from either a parent or child.

Here are three glaring reasons why more and more children are cutting off ties with their family members.

1. Toxic Or Abusive Parenting

A common reason for estrangement is the perceived lack of love and care exchanged between parent and child. For many estranged adult children, their relationship with their parents is toxic, often stemming from years of neglect or abuse throughout childhood and young adulthood. Eventually, cutting off contact becomes both a challenging and necessary step for these individuals.

"Going on 4 years estranged from my dad, stepmom and 2 adult half-sisters. Abuse and childhood neglect were the reasons. I took years of therapy just to understand how absolutely horrific my childhood was. I don't regret it," confessed a Reddit user.

However, when parents ask why they were cut off, and their children explain, the response is often met with disbelief. Many parents struggle to accept that their child has chosen to sever ties, sometimes reacting with a sense of entitlement, as though it's unimaginable for a child to take such a step. It can take time for these parents to comprehend and accept the reality of the estrangement fully. After a boundary is set, they may continue reaching out and living in denial for some time.

Many estranged parents on forums claim they don't know why their children cut them off, but when pressed, they often reveal that their children did provide reasons—reasons the parents dismiss or don't fully understand.

"My sons consistently refuse to reply to my emails and let my calls go to voicemail or barely speak if they do answer. They accuse me of being a terrible person but won't elaborate on exactly what I've done. Well, sometimes they do, but it doesn't make sense, at least to me," explained another such parent from an anonymous estranged parents forum.

They may suffer from emotional amnesia, blocking out any criticism they receive and, consequently, only recalling their children's anger, not the specific reasons behind it.

2. Unresolved Family Conflicts And Betrayal

Another common reason adult children sever ties with their parents is a profound sense of betrayal. This can arise from situations like divorce, remarriage or the parent starting a new family and neglecting children from a previous marriage. It's a heartbreaking realization when the parent you once loved and cherished no longer seems to value you in the same way.

A 2021 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that married parents had more secure family relationships and were more likely to reconcile with estranged adult children than remarried or divorced parents. Secure attachment was crucial for reconciliation.

Adult children may feel used or manipulated in family dynamics, leading to feelings of resentment.

"Going NC (no contact) was one of the hardest things I've had to do, but it's freeing knowing that I don't have to appease narcissists anymore. He felt entitled to me his entire life and used me as a pawn against my mother for custody he didn't actually want. He just wanted her to suffer," explains another Reddit user.

Research suggests that estrangement from fathers was more common than from mothers. Of those who experienced estrangement, 81% reported reconciling with their mothers, while only69% reconciled with their fathers.

3. Value Dissonance And Ideological Differences

Estrangement can also result from a clash of ideologies, whether related to political, marital or religious beliefs or the acceptance of an LGBTQIA+ child. When parents and children hold fundamentally different values or worldviews, tensions rise—especially when one party dismisses, minimizes or fails to respect the other's beliefs. This lack of mutual respect can create a rift in the relationship, leading to feelings of alienation and hurt on both sides.

"My parents weren't cruel or abusive growing up…I had a generally happy childhood. Then, in 2016, they started going further and further to the right and getting drawn into conspiracies until they finally moved to a different state completely for 'freedom,'" shares a Reddit user, "We simply no longer have the same values or beliefs. I will not let my own children be around them unsupervised once I heard them call Covid a Chinese conspiracy."

Disagreements over personal decisions, such as marriage or lifestyle choices, can lead to estrangement when parents refuse to accept or respect their child's autonomy—whether it's about sexual orientation or a son's decision to take his wife's last name. This lack of acceptance often deepens emotional divides, gradually widening the rift in the relationship over time.

Estrangement is often temporary, with many families reconciling after a period of separation, especially with counseling. Accountability is vital, with parents taking responsibility for their role in the rift. However, reconciliation isn't always possible, and sometimes, maintaining boundaries is necessary for mental health. Not all relationships can or should be repaired.

When children grow up without seeing love and loyalty in their family, they often struggle to prioritize those values in their own relationships. Estrangement is rare in families where love and respect are consistently present.

Estrangement happens when your loved ones fail to accept you as you are. Take the Authenticity In Relationships Scale to know if your relationship still stands a chance.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.