3 Reasons Why Compatibility Trumps Chemistry In The Search For Love

Feeling a 'spark' with someone can be intoxicating, but it shouldn't be seen as a sign to pursue a relationship. Here's why.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | May 20, 2024

Many people come to therapy carrying the weight of disappointment and disillusionment from their failed relationships. They may say things like:

• "I'm still reeling from the shock. Everything felt perfect, like it was meant to be. Now, I question it all. How could something so right go so wrong?"
• "I thought I found my soulmate. Now, I see cracks in our foundation. Arguments, misunderstandings, feeling distant—it's become a daily occurrence. How do I move on from this?"

In the initial stages of romance, it's common for people to be enchanted by the sparks of chemistry. The intense attraction, the palpable tension, the intimate moments—all contribute to a feeling of electricity that can cloud judgment. However, beyond this captivating charm lies the foundation of compatibility, the complex mix of shared beliefs, aspirations and communication methods that sustain a relationship over time.

Recognizing the vital difference between chemistry and compatibility is essential for building healthy and satisfying relationships. While chemistry ignites passion, compatibility nurtures the core of a lasting bond. Failing to distinguish between the two can lead to various consequences, from turbulent relationships filled with disagreement to the painful realization that the passion was only temporary. These experiences cut deep, leaving scars that linger long after the immediate wounds have healed.

Here are three reasons why we're often drawn to initial chemistry, leading us to conveniently overlook long-term compatibility.

1. The Pull Of Attraction Bias

We're naturally inclined to prioritize physical attraction and chemistry when selecting partners. This instinct, rooted in our evolutionary past, once ensured the survival of our species—guiding our ancestors towards mates who appeared healthy and fertile. Today, while survival concerns are less immediate, the allure of physical attraction remains strong. That initial spark between two people can be irresistible, capturing our attention and kindling our passions.

Recent research supports the idea that both physical attraction and compatibility contribute to the trajectory of a relationship, starting from the moment potential partners' first meet. This aligns with evolutionary theories of human pair bonding, suggesting that individuals seek partners with qualities advantageous for relationship success. Thus, initial impressions extend beyond physical attraction and can significantly influence how relationships evolve over time.

Fixating solely on immediate physical attraction may cause us to overlook critical compatibility factors like shared values, communication styles and life goals. In the heat of the moment, it's easy to prioritize the thrill of chemistry over the deeper considerations of long-term compatibility.

This preference for chemistry over compatibility can lead to significant repercussions for relationships. Establishing connections solely based on surface attraction can result in an unstable foundation. While passion may be present, genuine compatibility might be absent. Without the solid groundwork of shared values and understanding, relationships may struggle when confronted with the realities of everyday life.

2. Cognitive Dissonance And Rationalization

When people experience intense chemistry with someone, the flood of emotions can overpower any doubts about long-term compatibility. This infatuation might blind them to warning signs or inconsistencies in the relationship, believing that their intense connection will overcome any challenge.

This gives rise to cognitive dissonance. While there's an undeniable attraction drawing people together, there may also be subtle indications of incompatibility—such as divergent values or communication styles, hinting at future challenges.

To alleviate this discomfort, people resort to rationalization and denial. Studies indicate that when making decisions, our brains rapidly spin justifications for our choices, often without extended thought. This occurs in the moment, with our brains possibly adjusting our emotions to match our decisions or vice versa. The findings also clarify that people might downplay the importance of compatibility, assuming their chemistry to be sufficient to sustain the relationship. Rationalizations such as "Our bond is so strong, we'll overcome any obstacle" or "Our differences enhance our connection" act as psychological defenses against doubt and uncertainty.

Despite these efforts to rationalize their feelings, the tension between chemistry and compatibility persists. As the relationship progresses, challenges may arise, highlighting the differences that were overlooked in the beginning. Problems with communication, conflicts over values and differing life goals can weaken the foundation of the relationship.

3. Emotional Needs And Unconscious Desires

Our emotional needs and desires play a significant role in compatibility in relationships. Seeking partners who fulfill immediate emotional or psychological needs, such as validation, excitement or a sense of belonging drives this inclination.

At its core, individuals are drawn to partners who offer validation through compliments, attention or physical affection. Feeling understood and cherished can obscure potential incompatibilities, as they trigger the euphoria of feeling valued. Similarly, the thrill of the chase often overshadows practical considerations. In the heat of passion, people may become swept away by chemistry, overlooking long-term implications.

Furthermore, the desire for belonging and companionship can lead people to seek out partners who provide comfort from loneliness. Numerous studies suggest that individuals who fear being single tend to settle for less in their romantic relationships. Consequently, despite differences in values or communication styles, they may mistake mere chemistry for genuine compatibility.

Not understanding one's emotional needs drives individuals to repeatedly choose partners who provide short-term satisfaction. The allure of chemistry may lead them to prioritize immediate gratification over long-term compatibility. However, through self-awareness and reflection, individuals can navigate their desires and cultivate relationships that are both thrilling and fulfilling.

Are you concerned about the compatibility piece of your relationship? Take the evidence-based Relationship Satisfaction Scale to learn more.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here, and on PsychologyToday.com, here.