3 Questions That Reveal If You're In The Relationship You Deserve

These three research-backed questions go beyond butterflies; they speak to emotional health and long-term alignment.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | June 4, 2025

If you asked anyone what the true litmus test is for a relationship, you'd hear a slew of buzzwords in response: honesty, respect, communication, commitment. In fairness, most people are correct in assuming that these are important aspects of a relationship. But, at the same time, only a rare few know exactly what these look like in practice.

In other words, most people have a good idea of what they need, but often fail to recognize whether or not they're actually getting it in their relationship. However, with psychological insight, there are a few different ways to figure this out.

Below are three yes-or-no questions. A "yes" means you're probably in good hands, but a "no" might mean that you're settling for less than you should.

1. Do You Feel Genuinely Appreciated?

Before immediately saying yes, it's important to differentiate between gratitude and platitudes. Specifically, if you think that "Gee, thanks" is enough to convey genuine appreciation, then you're mistaken.

According to a 2023 study from Current Opinion in Psychology, appreciation is a dyadic experience. In other words, it involves both your perceptions as well as your partner's actions; your own experience of appreciation is influenced by your partner's showing of it, and vice versa. In this sense, "Thank yous" matter, but not without thoughts, emotions and behaviors that corroborate them.

Of course, the study links the dyadic experience of appreciation to long-term relationship satisfaction. What's equally (if not more) important, however, is its association with actually liking your partner.

That's why generic "thank yous" don't mean much on their own: it's hard to feel truly loved when their gratitude isn't substantial enough to make you feel liked. If your partner never specifies what exactly they're thanking you for, or if it always sounds the same, it will eventually start feeling hollow.

Appreciation can only be perceived as genuine when it's tied to something concrete. Otherwise, it starts to come across as more of a polite reflex than something grounded in sincerity. If their words feel automatic — as though they're saying it out of habit, as opposed to saying it in response to a genuine revelation — you're not going to feel valued. You're going to feel overlooked.

This is why a "no" to this question is worth paying attention to. A lack of appreciation is just one of many indicators as to where you actually sit on your partner's list of priorities. If you're doing a majority of the emotional or logistical heavy lifting in your relationship, with little to no acknowledgment, it's fair to ask why you're staying.

You don't need over-the-top praise. But if you're consistently allowing yourself to go under-recognized, you probably deserve more than you're getting.

2. Do They Care About How Their Choices Affect You?

Many people might jump to "big decisions" when considering this question. If your partner doesn't consult you before taking out a mortgage or quitting their job, a "no" in this sense is an obvious and considerable red flag. It's a no-brainer that these kinds of decisions should be made collaboratively.

Indeed, the "big decisions" matter greatly to this end. However, these decisions are punctuated by hundreds of smaller ones each and every day. As 2013 research from Current Directions in Psychological Science explains, a relationship should be understood largely as a domain of judgment and decision-making. From start to end, decisions define and determine the trajectory and outcome of a relationship.

Of course, most couples consider one another's opinions before getting married, buying a house or having a child. But those kinds of conversations tend to occur decades apart; they aren't the only choices that can be made in a relationship, nor are they the only ones that can affect you.

Far more often, your partner is deciding what to do with their free time, how to spend their money or how they're going to treat you. Every day presents a choice of this kind: go out with friends or spend time with you, buy something for themselves or save up for something you both want, handle a chore or leave it for you to do.

These may not be major milestones, but they do add up fast. Anyone can be collaborative when the stakes are high and the expectations are obvious. But everyday choices are a much truer measure of just how much you're factored into their thinking.

You can't definitively answer this question with a "yes" if your partner regularly acts in ways that benefit themselves, only to later acknowledge how it might have affected you. If they cancel plans, drop responsibilities or make impulse decisions without a second thought, that's a "no."

Disregard like this cannot be chalked down to forgetfulness. You deserve to be with someone who sees your well-being as something worth factoring in. Not just when it's convenient, and not just when it directly concerns you either; it should be a basic part of how they operate both within and outside of the immediate relationship.

If they consistently act like their decisions are made in a vacuum, then it's fair to ask whether they really see you as a life partner.

3. If You Knew Nothing Would Change, Would You Be Happy?

This question requires significantly more introspection than the others, which is why it might be the most important of all. Of course, relationships generally go through various stages of evolution. If you've been together a long time, there's a good chance you're not the same two people you were when you started.

But while life and relationships do indeed move through phases, some behaviors and habits tend to stick. While your finances, house, jobs and nuclear family might look larger or better than they did before, there's likely a few things that haven't changed much at all.

The things your partner did (or didn't do) in the beginning may still be showing up now. That's not necessarily bad. After all, the traits that made you fall in love with them are probably the ones you want to stick around.

Still, some habits carry more weight than others. One of the most important of these habits, according to renowned research from the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, is supportiveness. Unsurprisingly, it's strongly associated with long-term relationship satisfaction. However, the study notes that enacted support isn't the driver of this satisfaction, but rather the feeling of being supported.

This distinction is paramount. A partner could technically do things that could count as "support," but their other half could still feel as though they're navigating life mostly alone. In this sense, what actually matters is whether you feel supported in ways that genuinely ease your physical and emotional load.

This support only starts with your partner cheering you on from the sidelines; it shouldn't end there. This means they should also be putting in the same effort that you do in order to sustain both themselves and the relationship. If they don't — and if you knew for a fact that was never going to change — would you be okay with that?

If your answer is "no," then you're likely carrying more than just your share alone. If you've asked for more and nothing's changed, or if you've stopped asking because it never made a difference, then it's fair to say you deserve better. At the very least, you deserve a partner who knows just as well as you do what it takes to keep a relationship going.

Do you feel truly supported in your relationship? Take this science-backed test to find out: Perceived Responsiveness Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.