3 Questions That Often Come Up In Couples Therapy

These three questions can help you get to the bottom of the real cause of your relationship conflict. Here's how.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | May 06, 2025

Every couple faces conflict — it's a natural part of being in a relationship. But what happens when the same issues keep resurfacing, leaving you feeling stuck, misunderstood or disconnected? You might be fighting about different things, but the underlying patterns could be far more profound than you realize.

The key to breaking these repetitive patterns isn't to focus on who's right or wrong, but to look deeper at why these patterns exist in the first place.

Here are three questions therapists regularly ask couples to help them understand their conflicts on a deeper level, break free from old emotional patterns and ultimately, reconnect.

1. What Version Of You Shows Up In Conflict, And Who Is That Version Trying To Protect?

When emotions run high, it's easy to lose sight of who we truly are. In the heat of an argument, you might notice yourself becoming more defensive, aggressive, passive or distant. But this version of you isn't necessarily the "real you" — it's a version that learned how to survive difficult situations, often years ago.

A 2015 study published in the Journal of Personality shows how these reactions can be linked to past emotional experiences.

• For example, people with secure attachment, who embrace trust and intimacy in relationships, tend to manage conflict calmly and reflectively, especially when they feel close to their partner. If you're more composed in conflict, it might be because you feel safe and secure in the relationship.
• On the other hand, avoidant individuals, who fearfully avoid intimacy and often use hyper-independence to do so, may suppress emotions or withdraw when they feel threatened. If you shut down in arguments, you might be protecting yourself from feeling overwhelmed or vulnerable.
• For those with an anxious attachment style, who have a strong desire for closeness but a deep fear of rejection, conflict might trigger a fear of abandonment, leading to emotional outbursts or a strong need for reassurance. If you find yourself expressing more negative emotions, you could be trying to protect your need for connection.

Next time, notice who shows up in the heat of conflict — and meet that version of yourself with compassion, not criticism. The more you understand your romantic patterns, the more power you have to change them.

2. What Are You Hoping Your Partner Will Understand Without You Having To Say It?

In conflict, we often speak the language of emotion long before we speak the language of words. We raise our voices, go quiet, walk away — not because we want to hurt our partner, but because we're trying to be heard, feel safe or preserve connection without having to spell it all out.

Research on couples in conflict has found that these behaviors are frequently driven by one of two underlying emotional experiences: perceived threat or perceived neglect. If you're raising your voice, you may be reacting to a perceived threat — trying to stop what feels like criticism or control. What you might really want is for your partner to back off or to stop doing what feels emotionally overwhelming. But your partner might just hear it as anger or hostility.

On the other hand, if you go silent or walk away, you might be coping with perceived neglect — feeling unseen, unimportant or emotionally abandoned. In that case, your withdrawal may be a plea for your partner to reach in, show care and re-establish connection. But again, your partner might misread it as disinterest or punishment.

That's the paradox of conflict — our most instinctive reactions are often misinterpreted. You may be hoping your partner will read between the lines, but chances are, they won't.

So, the next time you're in the middle of a difficult moment, ask yourself: "What am I trying to communicate without actually saying it?" And then say it. Not perfectly. Just honestly. For example: "When I walked away, it wasn't to avoid you. It was because I felt overwhelmed and scared I'd say something I'd regret."

Remember, beneath every reaction is a relational need. When you can identify and name the feeling driving your behavior, you move from misfire to meaningful connection.

3. Whose Love Did You Have To Earn Growing Up — And How Is That Still Playing Out With Your Partner?

Many of us carry an invisible script into adulthood — one that was written in childhood, often through the ways love and approval were given or withheld. If you grew up in a home where affection was tied to achievement, obedience or emotional self-control, you may have internalized the belief that love isn't freely given — it must be earned.

A 2014 study found that individuals who felt that their parents' love depended on their behavior — being "good," successful or compliant — were significantly more likely to report feeling less worthy of love overall. And this effect wasn't just about the conditional love itself — it was also shaped by the emotional climate at home. Without a warm, accepting environment to buffer them, children who experienced conditional love were more likely to grow up with a deep-rooted sense that they had to perform for affection.

This plays out powerfully in adult relationships. You might:

• Go quiet during conflict, afraid that expressing anger will make you less lovable.
• Over-function — doing too much, pleasing too often — just to maintain closeness.
• Fear that if you're not "perfect," you'll lose the connection.

These patterns are not flaws — they are survival strategies formed when love felt uncertain. But they can limit intimacy with your partner, keeping you stuck in a loop of self-silencing or overcompensation.

So, pause and reflect: Whose love felt conditional growing up? What did you have to do — or stop doing — to feel safe and accepted? Then ask: "How might that old story still be shaping the way I show up in love now?"

Recognizing that you're operating from a learned script is the first step toward rewriting it. And in doing so, you open the door to a relationship where love is no longer a reward for perfection, but something you're allowed to receive, just as you are.

Conflict isn't the enemy. It's a signal — a call for deeper understanding, better communication and emotional growth.

Does a fear of intimacy stop you from communicating effectively in a conflict? Take the science-backed Fear Of Intimacy Scale to find out.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.