2 Ways To Tell If Your Marriage Is Emotionally Resilient

These two factors can protect a strained marriage from crumbling under pressure.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | July 22, 2024

A new study published this month in Personal Relationships examined the factors protecting couples from marital strain. Marital strain or distress can arise from various relational challenges, including interpersonal differences, financial pressures, balancing caregiver roles or navigating extended family relationships and major life transitions together.

Researchers found that marital strain can create emotional distance between couples, with their individual emotional experiences influencing each other and impacting the relationship as a whole. Sadly, in the midst of our inner emotional storms, we often forget to turn to each other for support and connection.

However, the findings also suggest that there are two protective factors that can safeguard against marital strain and create an emotionally resilient bond between partners—their emotional intimacy and empathy for one another. In emotionally fulfilling marriages, both partners experience deep emotional satisfaction, connection and support.

Here are the two signs that your marriage is emotionally fulfilling and resilient through challenges, according to the study.

1. You Prioritize Emotional Intimacy Despite Challenges

Emotional intimacy involves a deep sense of closeness and connectedness between partners, characterized by mutual trust, understanding and emotional sharing. There is confidence that each partner will be honest, transparent and supportive.

In relationships with high emotional intimacy, partners are willing to be vulnerable with each other and share their innermost thoughts, emotions, fears and dreams without a fear of judgment or ridicule.

"Marital strain can often limit intimacy. The experience of strain may constrain couples' ability to engage in emotionally demanding aspects of their relationship, such as comprehending and responding to their partner's feelings and needs," the researchers write.

However, when partners practice being responsive and communicative with one another, especially in the face of marital distress, it can bring them even closer. It is in these critical moments that the way they treat each other can shape their future together.

In emotionally fulfilling marriages, partners continue to share feelings and fight the instinct to avoid or criticize their partner in the midst of a challenge, while taking out the time to build or rebuild emotional intimacy, by focusing on shared experiences, common values and the larger goal of preserving the relationship.

Such couples spend quality time together, engage in meaningful conversations and novel activities and continue to show affection, care and appreciation, signaling to their partner that no matter the situation, their bond comes first and they can always rely on each other.

2. You Are Generous With Your Empathy

Empathy is the capacity to recognize, comprehend and show sensitivity to the emotional states and perspectives of others. Researchers suggest that empathy is a valuable interpersonal resource that can enhance emotional intimacy and fortify emotional bonds.

There are primarily two types of empathy:

• Cognitive empathy. Cognitive empathy is the intellectual ability to comprehend what someone else is thinking or feeling without necessarily sharing those emotions. For instance, saying "It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed with everything on your plate." Researchers suggest that this type of empathy is especially helpful in maintaining emotional intimacy.
• Affective empathy. Affective empathy involves offering comfort and support by sharing in another person's emotional experience and genuinely resonating with their feelings. For instance, saying "I feel really sad knowing how much this has hurt you."

"When couples encounter strain, the expression of a partner's empathic response can promote spouses' feeling of being understood and cared for. This, in turn, contributes to a domestic environment that fosters more open communication, allowing spouses to feel comfortable sharing and expressing themselves, thereby mitigating the negative effects of strain on intimacy," the researchers explain.

Empathy enhances communication by helping individuals understand and respond appropriately to each other's emotional cues and helps resolve conflicts by allowing partners to see each other's point of view, fostering mutual understanding and compromise.

Empathetic partners also respond to each other with compassion and sensitivity, offering reassurance in times of distress. Researchers found that especially when husbands show empathy towards their wives, it can protect a couple's sense of intimacy when they experience marital strain.

"When the experience of strain is alleviated for their wives, it can subsequently reduce the negative effects of strain on their own experience of intimacy," the researchers add.

To be truly empathetic, it is essential to avoid making assumptions about what your partner is feeling and instead approach conversations with a gentle curiosity. Empathetic and responsive partners practice active listening by fully concentrating, understanding, remembering and responding to what is being said during a conversation. This goes beyond passively hearing words to actively engaging with one's partner, ensuring that the message is accurately received and processed.

Emotional intimacy is the heart of a fulfilling and lasting relationship and empathy can pave the way through it. In emotionally fulfilling marriages, partners continuously work on deepening their emotional connection. Ultimately, the strength of a marriage lies not only in its ability to weather external challenges but in how partners choose to turn towards each other in these vulnerable moments.

Curious whether you are in a satisfying marriage? Take this science-backed test to learn more: Marital Satisfaction Scale

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here, and on PsychologyToday.com, here.