2 Ways To Solve A 'Love Language Mismatch'

When your love languages don't align, connection suffers. These two techniques make your relationship feel understood again.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | November 25, 2025

A "love language mismatch" can look like a benign communication gap to the untrained eye, but often carries a lot more potential for relationship damage. Repeated misunderstandings, or giving generously yet feeling oddly unseen in return, can impact us deeply.

For instance, there are times when one partner in a relationship expresses their devotion through thoughtful acts of service, while the other waits for words of affirmation. Other times, one reaches for closeness through touch, but the other seeks it through presence. In all such cases, these differences might leave both partners wondering why their efforts don't land.

We're wired to recognize love, in part, through cues that our nervous system has learned to associate with safety. These cues are primarily shaped by early relationships, attachment patterns and the emotional environments we grew up in. And when our partners' cues don't match our own, it can feel like we're stuck in a loop of talking past each other, even when the relationship is fundamentally healthy.

The silver lining of a love language mismatch is that it's rarely a sign of incompatibility. With the right perspective, an individual learns to see it is an invitation to build a more intentional, flexible and emotionally bilingual partnership.

Here are two research-informed ways to rewire your love language mismatch without forcing either partner to become a different person.

1. Build A 'Dual-Love Language Loop'

Relationships with differing love languages can easily slip into a pattern of "performativecaregiving," where affection becomes a task to be completed, or something that you need to "deliver" correctly. And in doing so, partners can dilute the natural bond of their relationship. As time goes by, this approach can become more and more difficult to sustain.

Introducing a more effective method, like predictable micro-rituals, can help rebuild connection without the need to perform. Several years of relationship expert Dr. John Gottman's research suggests that rituals or brief, intentional interactions are effective in increasing relational satisfaction, stability and emotional connection. The reason for this is that micro-moments of warmth and responsiveness eventually compound, forming the small but significant patterns of interaction that anchor long-term relationships.

The "dual-language loop" distills this evidence into a 5-minute daily practice that integrates both partners' preferred modes of connection into a single shared moment. Instead of trying to express each love language separately throughout the day, couples can combine both their love languages to ultimately focus on one concentrated interaction where both needs are met.

Some examples of the combinations that couples can try are:

• Physical touch + words of affirmation. Sitting together in physical proximity while each partner shares one highlight of the day that includes their partner.
• Acts of service + quality time. Completing a brief evening task together with undivided attention.
• Gift giving + Physical touch. Exchanging a small token of love accompanied by a quick moment of intimacy.

This ritual, when done with sincerity, reduces cognitive and emotional load, ensures regular connection and builds a palpable sense of security. And with repeated practice, the willingness to express each other's love languages outside the ritual also becomes a natural process.

2. Shift To The Translation Model Of Love

Relying on assumptions about what love "should" look like adds a layer of complexity to the love language mismatch problem. When an assumption about the "right" way to love guides its interpretation, any deviation — less verbal reassurance, sparse physical touch or a higher desire for independence — can be misread as emotional distance.

According to a 2024 study, adults differ in how they express closeness because they differ in how they have learned to regulate emotional stress. For example:

• Individuals higher in attachment avoidance tend to rely more on intrapersonal strategies. That is, they rely on self-soothing, and managing feelings internally almost to the point of isolating themselves, rather than partner-involved behaviors.
• Conversely, those higher in attachment anxiety tend to lean heavily on interpersonal strategies. They tend to seek reassurance or closeness, even when their partner is not available.

However, these patterns are not conscious choices. They reflect longstanding emotional learning about what feels safe and effective.

Instead of expecting one's partner to express love in your language, translation requires them to consider what their gestures mean within the logic of their attachment pattern. A partner who withdraws during stress may not be pulling away; they might simply be relying on the self-regulation strategy that has always helped them cope.

A partner who repeatedly checks in or seeks closeness may not be "needy." Instead, they may be using the interpersonal strategy that has historically brought them comfort. When viewed through this lens, behaviors begin to look less like mismatches and more like expressions of care filtered through different emotional histories.

This interpretive stance offers several relational benefits:

• Broader recognition of affection. Behaviors that once seemed unremarkable become recognizable as meaningful attempts at connection.Your partner folding laundry doesn't feel like they're checking off "just a task," anymore. It might be their way of saying, "I want your life to feel lighter."
• Greater flexibility. Differences in expression feel navigable rather than frustrating.
• Lower pressure around unmet expectations. When you can translate your partner's love, you don't feel emotionally starved while waiting for your exact language.
• You see difference as description, not deficiency. Every mismatch becomes information about who your partner is and how they learned to love, so you both can meet each other in the middle.

Importantly, adopting a translation approach creates a relational climate where both partners feel acknowledged in their efforts of showing love. In turn, this makes it both easier and safer to communicate preferences without criticism. When interpreted with generosity rather than judgment, this process automatically opens up space for both partners to pick up each other's love languages.

Have you figured out your love language middle ground yet? Take the Love Languages Scale to find out.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.