2 Ways To Mitigate The Effects Of A 'Good Girl Complex'

Women are often held to impossibly high standards. Here's the damage that these standards can cause, and how it can be healed.

By Mark Travers, Ph.D. | May 02, 2024

Many women come to therapy feeling suffocated in adulthood by the mold they were cast in in their childhood. They may say things like:

• "I find myself constantly drowning in responsibilities. I barely have time to catch a breath. Self-care is always the last thing on my list."
• "I always feel an overwhelming sense of guilt when I prioritize myself."
• "I struggle to voice my opinions or preferences. Nodding along feels like a better option even when I disagree. It's frustrating."
• "Despite my achievements, there's this nagging emptiness inside. No matter what I achieve, it's just never enough."

The "good girl complex" is not just a trope but a deeply ingrained pattern that shapes individuals' lives. From childhood, societal expectations instill the belief that worthiness is tied to conformity, driving a relentless pursuit of perfection or approval. Despite its outward appearance, this complex often conceals a core sense of unworthiness, prompting individuals to sacrifice authenticity for external validation. Manifesting in various forms, it entails a fervent desire to please, conform and avoid conflict.

Therefore, while the good girl complex may promise social acceptance, it also carries risks. Individuals tether their worth to external standards, leading to the suppression of genuine emotions and needs in the quest for validation. Moreover, this suppression can cause a disconnection from one's true self, breeding inner turmoil.

To free oneself of its grip and cultivate greater self-awareness and empowerment, it's important to understand its roots. Here are two pivotal elements contributing to the development and persistence of the "good girl complex."

1. Good Girls Obey Happily

Research posits that societal norms dictate behavior based on gender, perpetuating stereotypes that shape individuals from an early age. For example, the belief that women are inherently more empathetic than men creates expectations for women to be emotionally skilled and caring. This conditioning begins early for girls, often before they have the capacity to fully understand or challenge these norms.

From childhood, girls are inundated with messages from family, caregivers, media and schools that reinforce traditional gender roles. Toys, clothing and media depict stereotypically feminine traits as desirable, subliminally rewarding girls who conform to these expectations. For example, girls are associated with dollhouses, while boys are linked with building blocks, reflecting societal gender norms. Girls receive accolades for nurturing behavior, while boys are commended for creativity. These subtle reinforcements shape children's perceptions of themselves and others.

Girls are often praised as "sweet" or "helpful," reinforcing the notion that their value hinges on adhering to societal norms. Conversely, behaviors that deviate from the "good girl" archetype, such as assertiveness or non-conformity, are often met with disapproval.

As girls grow older, societal pressures escalate, pushing them to fulfill roles as caretakers, mediators and peacemakers, often at the expense of their own well-being. This pattern of self-sacrifice not only shapes their relationships but also influences their career paths, leaving little room for pursuing personal goals.

Challenging these entrenched societal norms is essential for breaking free from the "good girl" complex. Here are some strategies for doing so:

• Train your critical thinking muscles. Encourage yourself to critically examine societal messages and expectations regarding gender roles and behaviors. Question and discuss the validity and fairness of these norms, developing your own perspectives rather than blindly accepting societal standards.
• Pursue gender equality. Advocate for gender equality in all aspects of life, including education, employment and social interactions. Work to dismantle systems of oppression and discrimination that perpetuate gender-based inequalities, empowering yourself and others to pursue interests and goals without limitations.
• Lead by example. Model and reinforce behaviors that defy traditional gender norms and promote authenticity and self-empowerment. Encourage open communication, mutual respect and support for individuals' autonomy and choices, regardless of gender.

2. Good Girls Don't Scream When Hurt

Traumatic events, whether triggered by emotional neglect, abuse, or abandonment, deeply influence one's sense of self. For individuals embodying the "good girl" persona, navigating these experiences becomes a daunting task marked by emotional turmoil and existential uncertainty.

In the face of trauma, individuals who embrace the "good girl" archetype often construct elaborate defense mechanisms and survival strategies to cope with internal struggles. For example, consider those who grew up in dysfunctional family environments, witnessing constant parental arguments and consequently experiencing neglect of their own needs. In an effort to maintain peace and gain approval, they take on the role of the "perfect child," striving to meet expectations and avoid conflict. This pattern continues into adulthood, where unresolved trauma leads them to constantly prioritize others' needs, fearing rejection if they assert themselves.

However, these coping strategies can become restrictive over time, perpetuating cycles of self-denial and emotional suppression. Research indicates that such mechanisms disrupt natural processes of self-regulation and emotion regulation, sometimes exacerbating symptoms of PTSD and Complex PTSD.

Confronting trauma necessitates dismantling these defenses and embracing vulnerability.

1. Develop emotional awareness. Evidence indicates that emotional awareness enhances emotion regulation, social navigation skills, relationship satisfaction and overall physical and mental well-being. By cultivating emotional awareness, individuals can recognize the underlying emotions driving their "good girl" behaviors. They can start to identify patterns of their own emotional suppression. Understanding these patterns marks the initial step in breaking free from the "good girl" complex, as it enables individuals to consciously acknowledge and address their own emotions and needs.
2. Embrace vulnerability. Embracing vulnerability involves accepting one's own imperfections and allowing oneself to be authentic and honest. For individuals trapped in the "good girl" complex, this means letting go of the facade of perfection and acknowledging that it's okay to have needs and vulnerabilities. Embracing vulnerability can empower individuals to break free from the need to constantly please others and instead focus on being true to themselves.
3. Challenge negative beliefs. Given that the "good girl" complex often stems from entrenched beliefs about worthiness and the need to earn love and acceptance through perfection and self-sacrifice, confronting and reframing self-limiting beliefs is essential for healing and growth. This process involves reframing self-limiting beliefs and cultivating a mindset of self-compassion (e.g., treating oneself with kindness and understanding) and personal agency (e.g., taking ownership of one's choices and actions), which are critical for positive change and transformation.

It can be exhausting to constantly prioritize others over yourself. Shifting the focus to prioritize your own needs may feel daunting at first, especially if it's an unfamiliar territory. Take it one step at a time and don't hesitate to seek professional help if you ever feel stuck.

Does the "good girl complex" not let you be yourself in relationships? Take the Authenticity In Relationships Scale to learn more.

A similar version of this article can also be found on Forbes.com, here.